(Closed) Shocking unplanned pregnancy in unstable marital situation

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

first of all, I am so so sorry you’re going through this. Pregnancy can be scary so going through it without a solid marriage or supportive family must be really terrifying. 

I know I might get flamed here for saying this, but I think you should consider ending the pregnancy. You don’t seem happy about your husband, the pregnancy, or the prospect of having a baby. You don’t have to be 16 to have a pregnancy throw off your life plans. This is not your last chance to have a baby so do not worry about that. As I have said to all of my friends considering an abortion, I’d rather have a half hearted abortion than a half hearted pregnancy/kid.

I had an abortion in graduate school. Even though I had everything one might want to have a baby ( family support, good marriage, plenty of resources etc) it just wasn’t the right time. I have not regretted it for even a moment. 

As far as your husband goes, your plan to take a year and learn who you are on your own seems wise. If you are still unhappy at the end of the year when he comes back it’s time to re-evaluate the marriage.

Post # 3
Member
4055 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am not going to tell you what to do bc it’s your life, and no one here is going to have to live with the consequences either way, so I don’t think we have a right to push you either way.

I will say this: I’m almost 9 months pregnant,  and pregnancy /taking care of an infant….it sucks. Now, it sucks in a way you can absolutely get past if you want a baby. But I can’t imagine going through all this when I didn’t even know if I wanted a baby.

People will probably post anecdotes about someone they knew who had an unplanned baby and is so happy. …but that doesn’t mean it’s how you will feel. Considering what all you did to avoid this, and the resentment you feel that your husband knowingly went against your wishes, my bet is that those feelings won’t just magically go away, even if you do feel an amazing bond with your child.

If you do think there is even a chance you might want to keep the baby, I would see a Dr ASAP.  I know taking the pill when you’re pregnant can cause issues with baby, so I’m wondering that the morning after pill may have the potential for the same.

Post # 4
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee

Ummm what? Your husband deliberately got you pregnant when you made it clear you didn’t want to? That’s insane. While I think you should have protected yourself by gettin on the pill, you obviously didn’t want to get pregnant, and he didn’t pull out. That’s incredibly shitty.

I don’t know your beliefs, but in your situation I would absolutely consider having the pregnancy terminated.

Post # 5
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry you are going through this, but I’m honestly not sure how anyone practicing the “withdrawal method” for birth control can be shocked about a pregnancy. And I really don’t think a Wedding forum can help you. You need to decide if you want to keep this baby or not — and then a lot of related decisions will follow. Whatever you decide, it’s going to be tough, so I’m glad you have the support of friends and a therapist. 

Post # 6
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I don’t know whether this is the case with you, but something that is not commonly known about the morning after pill is that it has weight restrictions. If you’re above like, 160 I want to say, then it’s not guaranteed to work on you.

That being said, if you took the morning after pill and it didn’t completely prevent pregnancy there is a good chance it could cause some problems with the fetus. I’m not an expert on this but it is something I think you shoud look into. Any potential defects could add stress to an already unstable relationship, and should factor into your decision whether to carry to full term.

If you decide to carry, you don’t have to stay with him. You are still perfectly able to move out and do this on your own (which you will be anyway, if he’s moving). I don’t think you should bring it up to him at all until you’ve made your decision, because if he’s controlling he’s only going to try to change your mind. And if your mind isn’t made up to begin with it’ll be much easier for him to get in your head.

I also want you to know that forced ejaculation is sexual assault at the very least. What he did was NOT right and I don’t recommend you staying in a relationship that is like this. I’m very sensitive with these situations, as I’ve been raped, but it isn’t a huge jump between forcing a pregnancy and forcing sex. Just be careful, please.

Post # 7
Member
23593 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am so sorry that you are going through this!  It sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders and know your options.  I don’t particularly feel like it’s my place to tell you what to do, but really wanted to poke in to give you a great big virtual hug.  Whatever you decide, you have a good support system and this is the most important thing.

Post # 8
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

obviously what your husband did was grossly wrong. However, if you did not want to get pregnant and you were having regular sex with your husband, why weren’t you on birth control? Personally I don’t see the plan b pill or abortion as a form of birth control. The pull out method + a husband who keeps saying he wants you to get pregnant and somehow you’re still shocked..

You’re clearly with him for the money. My advice would be to file for divorce and child support while he’s gone. 

 

Post # 10
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This is awful, truly awful.  He deliberately got you pregnant, and that is so, so, so low.  You are only in year 5 and have already had all of these issues in your marriage.  I doubt it would get better.  I am against abortion for myself personally but honestly I would look at ending this pregnancy.  Once you do that, while he is gone you can do some soul searching about what you are getting from this man and if it is truly worth it.

Post # 11
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

pianobeeksb:  I’m not going to tell you my opinions of what to do but I will tell you an experience of mine. 

Several years ago I was pregnant with an unwanted pregnancy in a verbally abusive relationship. I went to my local clinic and because I was only 7 weeks I was able to take the abortion pill. Best decision of my life. It was non-invasive and while the cramping was painful it wasn’t unbearable by any means. Sadly even with birth control I became pregnant by this man again. I didn’t think. I took the pill a second time. I have zero regrets beyond ending the relationship sooner. I’m happy and in a marriage with a man who loves me. 

Edit: my clinic wasn’t great over the phone but wonderful in person. I think they get a lot of fake harassing calls and are on the defensive over the phone. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Olgarie.
Post # 13
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t think you should decide right now. Take a prenatal, or at least a multivitamin with some folic acid, and give it a week. There’s lots of emotions and fear and what ifs and it probably isn’t the best time to make a life altering decision. So take a breath, and give yourself some time to digest this news. Then I think your gut will know what you should do

Post # 14
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

pianobeeksb:  Withdrawal isn’t effective in part for the exact reason that you are pregnant — sometimes (for whatever reason) the man doesn’t withdraw. We women have pretty much zero control over that. That makes it risky. You (and your “shocking unplanned pregnancy”) are now living proof of that risk. 

Post # 15
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

alamana:  I dont really think you’re being helpful.

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