- 4 years ago
I used to lurk and post occassionally here prior to my 2011 wedding and I remember the incredible insights that everyone shared. I thank you in advance for your support.
I’ve been married for five years. I really don’t know how to define our relationship. It’s not good, that I know and while I love him, I don’t think we have the kind of romantic love that I always wanted. He, on the other hand, loves me and would do almost anything for me if he thought he could keep me. We have had some really rough times where I briefly moved out and separated a year ago but he ultimately convinced me to come back. I think deep down I came back because I struggle tremendously with co-dependency and came from an abusive family so I’ll be totally honest–being on my own for the first time was culture shock and the idea of returning to stability was incredibly appealing. My husband makes six figures, is great with money and takes care of me in ways that I have never been taken care of by anyone before.
He also has a job that requires him to move and in four months, he will be moving overseas for at least a year.
I really saw this year as a great opportunity for me to learn how to be on my own and to rely on myself. We relocated where we currently are for his job so I don’t have any family around but I have a very close network of friends and with their support, this was going to be the year in which I found out what I really wanted for my life.
My husband has joked so many times about getting me pregnant before he leaves. We have always used the withdrawal method, which, believe it or not, is successful if done correctly and we’ve never had a problem. Well, this time, he did not pull out in time (deliberately). I panicked and took the morning after pill within the three day window as a precaution and thought that I was fine.
I found out that I am pregnant two days ago… My estimation is just shy of 5 weeks.
It sounds so silly, but I never thought that this would happen to me and that it would only take one time to conceive. I feel cheated because he ejaculated in me without asking and the morning after did not do its job… The odds were heavily in my favor and somehow here I am in this situation.
I have not yet told him or anyone other than my best friend and therapist because honestly I do not know what I want to do. My best friend thinks that I don’t want to be pregnant and that I’ve done everything I could to prevent it and that this is his way of trying to trap me while he is away. My therapist has concerns based on past behaviors that he will use this as a way to control me and I worry about that as well. I know I’m not 16 but this feels like a crisis. I have a steady job but I work in a field where the money just isn’t there and I was planning on applying to graduate school while he was away.
I feel confused for many reasons. I know that I am not ready to have a baby and that this isn’t the right time or situation for me… but some people struggle so much to get pregnant and here I am wishing more than anything that I’d get my period and that it was a false alarm. I’m nearing 30 and I worry that this may be my only chance… but I also am terrified because I would definitely have to go through the entire pregnancy and the first 6 months entirely on my own and I just don’t know if I can do that. I suffer from pretty bad anxiety that is at times debilitating. I am not taking meds. And that’s the other thing… even though I don’t want to be pregnat, since I found out, I have been being mindful about the things I consume which was makes me wonder if I want to be pregnant. I have no family within 8 hours drive and even if I did, they wouldn’t be supportive of me. I feel entirely alone.
This post is a mess, much like my life right now. If anyone can relate or share some experience or insights, I would greatly appreciate it.