Post # 16
- Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm
alamana: she’s not asking for opinions on her method of birth control, see the words ‘her method’ that means it’s up to HER to choose it. She’s asking for advice in a tough life situation. Telling her what she should have done and mocking posts aren’t helpful or kind.
Post # 17
I’m so sorry that this happened and I think the best thing is to terminate the pregnancy. Also, do not tell your husband, I fear he’d use this to control you even more. I completly agree with mrstbone that forced ejaculation is abuse and it’s often a method that abusers use to control their victims.
For people judging the withdrawl method, how is that helpful at this point?
Post # 18
Ok, here is what I think would be best for you:
I think you should immediately look into ending this pregnancy.
Following that, it’s time to look into divorce. You say he’d do anything to keep you around because he loves you, but what he did was not out of love. He purposely got you pregnant in order to control you. And you don’t even want to be with him anyway. You’re in it for stability. “Co-dependency” is absolutely the way to describe this marriage. Leave.
You’re only 5 years in. This isn’t going to last. You’ve already left once, and he felt it coming on again so he got you pregnant. This is bad. Get out now while you’re young and less caught up in this mess. The longer you stay the harder it will be on both of you when you divorce. And I see divorce as inevitable.
I know both of these things I’m recommending are the two hardest things you could ever do I’m your life. But please, please take these steps. Advice is easy to ask for but so difficult to take. Our advice is pretty unanimous on here because it’s truly what is best. Do what’s best for you down the line. These next two or three years may be the hardest ever, but it is opening you up for a lifetime of happiness. Staying in this marriage is asking from a lifetime of regret and unhappiness.
Post # 19
Well, for one thing this isn’t a “shocking” pregnancy. But that’s neither here nor there. If you don’t want the baby, have an abortion. And if you are planning on staying with your husband, get on a better form of birth control that you actually have control over.
But obviously this isn’t a healthy relationship, so you should leave either way.
Post # 20
I personally don’t think it’s a positive or stable situation to bring an unplanned and unwanted child into. “It might be my last chance” is not a valid reason to have a child. You need to think long and hard about whether you want to see this pregnancy to term, and what you would like to see happen with your marriage, and then act accordingly.
Post # 21
pianobeeksb: Lots of Bees are telling you that you have a hard choice to make, but in my opinion the choice isn’t hard. I would abort without a second thought. Plenty of women get abortions without it being a huge traumatic event for them. You are in an unstable relationship with an abusive shithead for a husband — seems like a pretty easy call to make. Also, this is not your only chance for a baby.
If you want a child, if you want to be a mother, then consider your options for divorce. Call an attorney and find out your rights with regards to alimony and child support. You don’t have to be trapped by this man simply because he impregnated you by force.
Post # 22
He deliberately got you pregnant to trap you into your marriage. That’s fucked up and grounds for divorce.
Im not going to tell you what to do, but I wouldn’t continue the pregnancy in this situation. It’s not an environment I would want o bring a child into.
Post # 23
Thank you so so so much to those of you who are offering your compassion and have shared your difficult experiences. Like I have said, it is so hard to find someone in my immediate life who truly understands the situation that I am in and I appreciate you taking the time to share so I don’t feel alone. It helps tremendously to know I’m not the only person to ever be in this position.
For those who you who are judgemental and mocking me… None of you have any right to define what is or is not shocking for me. I truly hope that it is the anonymity of the internet that makes you so candid and that you do not share these opinions if a friend in real life ever came to you with this. The truth is that no birth control method is 100% effective and the odds were heavily in my favor… So I have every right, based on my own experiences, to be surprised.
The truth is that none of us know that it’s like to be in any life situation unless we have been there ourselves and even then, our outlooks are shaded by our prejudices and past experiences. I used to think that I would never be in an unhappy relationship and that I could easily leave if I was. I also thought I’d never consider abortion. Having never been pregnant yet sexually active, I used to think getting pregnant was difficult. My worldview has been altered by two pink lines on a test strip and in the future, when I figure this out, I hope I can be a less judgemental and more supportive person to those who are struggling.
I hope that I can come to a place of complete clarity. Either way, I’m terrified but I know I’ll get through it. Thank you so much, everyone.
Post # 24
People are really getting hung up on the word ‘shocking’. I doubt she would describe it as shocking if it were an average failure of her birth control (e.g. husband accidentally didn’t pull out in time, swimmers were in precum, etc). But it is not an average birth control failure when your partner intentionally doesn’t pull out in the hopes of impregnating you against your will – would we be saying the same judgmental things if a woman poked holes in a condom against a man’s wishes? And, on top of that, the oh-so-effective Plan B failed. So yeah, I would consider this all a bit shocking.
OP, if this were me, I would terminate the pregnancy. As PP said, worrying about this being your one chance is not a good enough reason to bring a child into an unstable marital situation, especially when you clearly did not want this pregnancy in the first place.
ETA: your husband is an asshole.
Post # 25
This is a terrible situation, no matter what you decide. Years ago, before the morning after pill was available otc, I had to go to an abortion clinic to take it. My boyfriend had done the EXACT same thing as your husband. The clinic made me sign a waiver agreeing to abort if the pill didn’t work, because of birth defects. I would advise that if you are considering keeping the baby, to talk to an obgyn or pharmacist at the very least to find out the risks. As an OP already pointed out, this is NOT YOUR LAST CHANCE for a baby. I had my first (with my loving husband and not the controlling creep u was with before) at 30 and 2nd (healthy 12 week old) at age 35. I’ll be 36 next month.
Post # 26
I am so sorry this is happening. This seems like awful timing for a situation you’re not on board with. He is dominating and controlling, and essentially forced this pregnancy on you. His conversations about getting you pregnant before he left clearly were not jokes. This is reproductive abuse and it is not okay.
If you do not want a child, you do not have to have one. Abortion is still legal in this country, and it sounds like you have a strong support group in your friends if you choose to terminate. You do not have to tell your husband if you don’t want to, and you do not have to stay with your husband if you do not want to. Your body, your choice. You can also keep the baby and still leave him. Again, your body, your choice. If you do terminate, however, I’d consider getting an IUD or something to take extra precautions against this happening again.
You sound very unhappy, and it’s time to do you, no matter what that means for your marriage and this pregnancy.
Post # 27
I would absolutely be shocked if the only time my husband didn’t pull out, AND I had taken plan B I still ended up pregnant. Geeze, women who are actively TTC are shocked when it actually happens.
Post # 28
pianobeeksb: This is Coercieve reproduction. It is a form of domestic abuse. You need to leave this relationship. If you want to have the baby or not it is entirely up to you.
Do not tell your husband.
Post # 29
pianobeeksb: I also found it pretty shocking. Not only the coercive reproduction part, which is an awful form of abuse but because he planned it was manipulative and made it as a way to “keep” you while he way away.
Shocking on alot of levels
Post # 30
I’m so sorry to read your post. To me, it honestly seems like your husband deliberately tried to get you pregnant against your will. That’s, in a way, almost akin to rape — he did something to you physically that you did not consent to.
You did post yourself that he would do anything to keep you; it’s possible he knows you don’t feel “all in,” especially since you moved out once, and I know everyone is different, but I feel like in this situation, you would not be out of line to NOT tell him about the pregnancy and quietly end it.
I am honestly scared for you, bee. I know that I don’t know you, your husband or your situation, but this feels dangerous. A man who would deliberately try to impregnate his wife without her consent is not someone who can be trusted.