(Closed) Shocking unplanned pregnancy in unstable marital situation

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2016

pianobeeksb:  

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and can understand the anxiety and fear you must be feeling, especially being in somewhat of a limbo with your marriage.  Maybe you can find something useful with my experience and some of how I worked through the decision and the resulting consequences of both sides.  I’ve been on both sides.

I have a good friend who chose abortion as an option, and I fully supported her choice because I knew she wasn’t ready to be a parent and was still, quite frankly, at a very selfish stage in life.  For her, the right choice.  For me, still, never a consideration because I had always wanted children and couldn’t imagine not wanting a pregnancy, no matter the circumstances.  A few years later (and by now the mother of one very much-loved elementary school aged boy), I found myself unexpectedly and shockingly pregnant.  To say the circumstances were less than ideal is an understatement, but because of my firmly held belief of “what I would do,” I became paralyzed with shame as I faced the judgment of my former idealistic, yet ignorant, self.   So I let logic lead the way, because approaching from an emotional standpoint was going to wreck me.

What it came down to for me was answering these questions:

Am I capable of taking care of and raising this child (emotionally, financially, logistically)?

Is having this child going to have a negative impact on anyone else’s well-being?

Is having this child going to put the child in a situation that is unstable or has the potential to? 

Am I putting myself into a bad situation by making a choice to have this child?

When I was able to make a decision based on questions like these, I knew it was the right one because of the impact it would have had on others in a negative life-changing way.  

The second time i was faced with this decision, the answer was clear and much easier because of the lack of negative impact on others, along with knowing I was fully capable, with a great system of support, to have a child.  Was it the most convenient time?  No!  Could I have foreseen some of the obstacles I would face later?  No!  But, I didn’t regret it for one minute because it was the right decision at that time based on the information I had available to me.  

I don’t know what’s going on inside of you, but from what you’ve posted, I think you know that bringing a child into your current situation has the potential for you to continue being co-dependent in a relationship you already know isn’t healthy for you.  It also sounds like you’re still learning how to take care of yourself, so you need to decide if you have enough reserves to add a completely helpless being into that equation and stay strong. Lastly, getting out of a marriage while pregnant or with a child is much more difficult, legally and emotionally.  Something else to consider.  

Just remember that whatever decision you are making now–it’s based on what you only know right now.  Don’t let your future self come back and beat you over the head with shame and regret later.  Ok?  Good luck, bee.  

Post # 32
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Picture your life with this man and this child, would you be happy? Would your child be happy with an unhappy mother? Picture your life without this man but with child…. Would you be ok with having to deal with your ex for at least the next 18 years? Even after you have moved on and started a new family? Would he be rational? Or try to make your new life a living hell? Consider each scenario, and you’ll know deep down what will be the best choice for you, and this unborn baby. I am pro choice, but I don’t want to try to sway you either way.. Just giving you things to consider while making your decisions. Best of luck to you.

Post # 33
Member
6771 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Hugs, Bee. Many PPs have offered good advice–see your doctor to find out what, if any, ramifications may exist from using Plan B, talk to your therapist, take a little bit of time to consider what you want and what all of your options are. And take care of yourself. I can’t imagine the stress you are experiencing–go out of your way to take care of yourself. Best wishes.

Post # 34
Member
11613 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, bee. 

Heres the only thing I can add to pp’s suggestions. I used to volunteer at a domestic violence shelter and men getting women pregnant without their consent as a form of control is pretty regular thing. in some states and with some doctors, they won’t give you an abortion without his consent if you’re married. This is not legal, nor is notifying him. You are especially protected from this because of the way you got pregnant, that is, without your consent. Don’t let anyone try to intimidate you or violate your rights.

just know that whatever choice you make, you can handle this, you are stronger than you think and you can have a life that brings you happiness. 

Post # 35
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

One of my biggest concerns if you had the baby would be that even if you left him, he would still try to control you by using the child (visitation rights, court battles, etc), and will he be an asshole to the kid too? On top of that, abusive relationships tend to come to a head when the partner tries to leave or is pregnant…..

 

Post # 36
Member
23 posts
Newbee

I am so sorry for you bee! I can’t imagine the fear and betrayal you are facing right now. You are so brave and I admire you so much for reaching for advice and trying to do the right thing in such an emotionally loaded time. Just wanted to let you know that there are options and resources available to you if you decide to go through with the pregnancy, including adoption by a loving couple who can’t had their own kids if you decide you aren’t ready to be a parent. I volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center. Feel free to pm me with any questions you might have. No matter the circumstances of the conception every baby is precious. Praying for you bee stay strong!

Post # 37
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2016

kitkatkels:  

Re: abuse coming to a head…  

This has been my experience as well. Unfortunately it was the negative that wasn’t readily available to me when I made my decision. I had no way of knowing a person I had loved was capable of this kind of behavior. 

Post # 38
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

My guess is that if your husband did such a nonconsensual sexual act, then there is probably other abuse going on, and we should be supportive. I just wanted to say that it is okay to end a pregnancy. People will try to make you feel guilty for that no matter your age, marital status, or situation, so please don’t think that you’re not entitled to the same rights as any other woman just because of XY or Z. None of us can tell you what to do, but personally, if it was me, I would terminate.

Post # 39
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

Also bee, I’d avoid “crisis pregnancy centers” or anyone who works at one, they are usually anti-choice and spread misinformation and shaming propaganda.

Post # 40
Member
285 posts
Helper bee

Sorry to hear what you are going through.  I was in a very bad marriage once and I am so grateful that I did not get pregnant because much like you I did not have any family to lean on, and was going through school and could not financially handle having a baby.  The thought of being tied to my ex for the rest of my life with a kid is also pretty scary.  I would consider that.  It sounds like you need time to reflect on what is right for you.  Whatever you choose don’t feel guilty or look back.  Best wishes!

Post # 41
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

OP i sent you a PM.

Post # 42
Member
27 posts
Newbee

I will echo everyone else, I think you should end the pregnancy and I would highly recommend not telling your husband about it. He deliberately tried to get you pregnant against your will, and based on your unhappiness in the marriage I am sure this was his attempt to trap you before he left on this year long trip. As other bees have mentioned, I would also be worried about the impact on the fetus of taking PlanB and potential birth defects. I think if your first reaction to this situation was to take PlanB, you obviously do not want to be pregnant and the fact that it didn’t work should not force you to change your mind when there are other options available. 

I think it should also be clear to you now that you cannot maintain the level of trust with your husband to use the pull out method. If you choose to keep having sex with him (why? If you are so unhappy and he displays this type of behavior?) you need to get on birth control. The shot might be a good option for you if your husband is somehow preventing you from getting on birth control, this way he has no way of knowing you are on it.

The situation you are in is extremely tough, and the one person you should be able to lean on and trust more than anyone else is the very person who put you in it. If I were in your shoes, I would end the pregnancy and also end the marriage – no question. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. 

Post # 43
Member
6236 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I haven’t been in exactly your situation, OP, but I will say that having a child has made me more emphatic about women having the right to choose not to have a child they do not want. Having a child is hard, doing it on your own is very hard, having a child on your own while married to someone you don’t want to be with (and who tries to control you) would be setting yourself up for a life of unnecessary trouble and challenge and doing a terrible disservice to the child. Plus, you said you don’t make much money so you would be continuing the cycle of co-dependency by being in a situation where you need your husband’s contribution to take care of a child he forced on you.

You said you have some wounding that you are working on healing. That is great. Keep moving forward in that direction. You were contemplating graduate school and a life on your own. Please, keep moving in that direction.

Finally, the thing that cinched it all for me is that your husband, knowing you are living in an area where you don’t have much support or community and about to be free of him for a year because he is going away, DELIBERATELY GOT YOU PREGNANT. Again, having a child when it’s the two of you would be hard. He deliberately put you in a situation where you would be pregnant and doing some of the hardest parts of pregnancy and new parenthood on your own. That is NOT love. That is attempting to use a child to imprison you. Kids deserve better than that. You deserve better than that. Your husband is an asshole. HE deserves to return home in a year to a woman who has taken control of her life and tells him where to go.

None of the women I know who have been in your situation and chosen abortion have regretted what they’ve been able to do with their lives instead. And, for several of them, that included having children they did want with men they wanted to be with.

Good luck.

Post # 44
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

pianobeeksb:  I totally agree that PP’s attacking your birth control method is super unhelpful but please switch the first chance you get. Make sure he has zero chance of messing with the next method (keep him out of any condoms, birth control pills etc). I do not trust this dude to leave any future method alone.

Post # 45
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I got pregnant by accident too in 2013. I also took the morning after pill and it didn’t work. I wasnt prepared to have a baby, but I kept him and am so happy I did. I always wanted children, I just didn’t think I was ready at the time. I don’t think you should blame your husband for this. If you really didn’t want children, it’s your responsibility to take the necessary precautions. The pull out method can work, but if you were having doubts in your marriage and he was making jokes about getting you pregnant, you really should have gone on birth control. You didn’t “do everything possible” to prevent it. I’m sorry  that sounds harsh, but it seems like you’re putting all the blame on him when it takes 2. Plan B is not birth control, it’s “omg I fucked up so I need to fix it” pills. I know because I did the same thing. Your husband sounds like a really supportive and loving man. If you’re having issues with the relationship and really want to be single and not pregnant, perhaps consider an abortion. If you want to keep the baby but leave your husband, I’m sure he would help you out Financially. No one is ever ready for a baby, no matter what age you are. I was 23 when I got pregnant and my son is almost 2 now and I wouldn’t give him up for the world. If you really didn’t want children but he did, maybe having a discussion about that before getting married would have been good. 

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