- 4 years ago
- Wedding: July 2016
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and can understand the anxiety and fear you must be feeling, especially being in somewhat of a limbo with your marriage. Maybe you can find something useful with my experience and some of how I worked through the decision and the resulting consequences of both sides. I’ve been on both sides.
I have a good friend who chose abortion as an option, and I fully supported her choice because I knew she wasn’t ready to be a parent and was still, quite frankly, at a very selfish stage in life. For her, the right choice. For me, still, never a consideration because I had always wanted children and couldn’t imagine not wanting a pregnancy, no matter the circumstances. A few years later (and by now the mother of one very much-loved elementary school aged boy), I found myself unexpectedly and shockingly pregnant. To say the circumstances were less than ideal is an understatement, but because of my firmly held belief of “what I would do,” I became paralyzed with shame as I faced the judgment of my former idealistic, yet ignorant, self. So I let logic lead the way, because approaching from an emotional standpoint was going to wreck me.
What it came down to for me was answering these questions:
Am I capable of taking care of and raising this child (emotionally, financially, logistically)?
Is having this child going to have a negative impact on anyone else’s well-being?
Is having this child going to put the child in a situation that is unstable or has the potential to?
Am I putting myself into a bad situation by making a choice to have this child?
When I was able to make a decision based on questions like these, I knew it was the right one because of the impact it would have had on others in a negative life-changing way.
The second time i was faced with this decision, the answer was clear and much easier because of the lack of negative impact on others, along with knowing I was fully capable, with a great system of support, to have a child. Was it the most convenient time? No! Could I have foreseen some of the obstacles I would face later? No! But, I didn’t regret it for one minute because it was the right decision at that time based on the information I had available to me.
I don’t know what’s going on inside of you, but from what you’ve posted, I think you know that bringing a child into your current situation has the potential for you to continue being co-dependent in a relationship you already know isn’t healthy for you. It also sounds like you’re still learning how to take care of yourself, so you need to decide if you have enough reserves to add a completely helpless being into that equation and stay strong. Lastly, getting out of a marriage while pregnant or with a child is much more difficult, legally and emotionally. Something else to consider.
Just remember that whatever decision you are making now–it’s based on what you only know right now. Don’t let your future self come back and beat you over the head with shame and regret later. Ok? Good luck, bee.