Post # 76
First off, let me say that I can definitely understand your struggle. I was in an abusive relationship a few years back and kept having sex with him out of fear. In our case he was so against birth control that he searched everything to make sure I wasn’t on it. There’s much more (as to why I stayed as long as I did) but this isn’t the place for it. It was a never ending cycle and was terrified I’d get pregnant. Finally one day I had enough and finally got out.
On the other hand, if you did decide to keep it, I don’t think you can get divorced while pregnant (at least in Texas you can’t). A friend of mine and his wife were pregnant, decided to divorce, and were only able to legally separate until the baby was born and then got divorced. I’m not sure how other states work or all the legalities of that. However it sounds like you’d probably prefer to end the pregnancy so that wouldn’t be an issue. I’d do that, then get a divorce. If he’s done it once, he’d do it again and again. I co-teach a relationship awareness class and that is actually one of the hot topics we use in our class on control.
Post # 77
OP, I just wanted to reiterate another bee’s advice and say that it might be a good idea to wait until the emotions fizzle down a bit to make such a big decision. It must seem incredibly overwhelming right now. I would have a long talk with your husband and really figure out why this happened. Counseling might be a good idea for you and your husband. If you’re religious, it might be a good idea to talk to someone at your church about the decisions ahead, they usually know what they’re talking about. I might get slammed for saying this and please know that I’m not judging you in the absolute slightest, but your baby might be a blessing in disguise. If you decide that you really don’t want a baby in your life, there are so many people out there that would absolutely love to adopt your baby if you decided to take that route.
I’m sorry that you have this difficult decision in front of you. You’ll make it through and I hope you can find peace.
Post # 78
- Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK
pianobeeksb: Good luck bee in whatever you decide. I’ve used plan b once before and honestly I didn’t think twice as to whether it would work or not, maybe I was just lucky as I definitely wasn’t ready for a baby back then.
I am pro-choice and in your situation I would opt for an abortion. I don’t have anything different to add, as you are in the very early stages of pregnancy I think you should talk to your husband and make a decision over the next couple of weeks. Ultimately it’s your body and your decision. Sending good thoughts your way whatever you decide
Post # 79
peridot456: as I had said before, I was NOT insinuating she was not telling the truth or doubting her, I just wanted to know in what context it happened, that’s all. I’m not denying what she went through was abuse, I think what he did was despicable.. U don’t have to admonish me for asking a question. She posted vague information
OP, please don’t think I was doubting ur story, I was just sincerely trying to get more information, as this similar thing has happened to me but NOT in this way, just the pull out method situation….I have no advice except that what he did was absolutely inexcusable. Do u really want to be trapped in a relationship? I can’t imagine that U could successfully get over this if u decide to have this child…. UR first instinct was to leave, and I think u need to….
Post # 80
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I would think through this carefully and talk with people I trust about it because these are life changing decisions, and you are in a very difficult place right now. I would not just go have an abortion immediately. While it may seem like the best solution right now, you could end up regretting it and having it burden you the rest of your life. You may choose to have the child and keep him or her (whether or not you choose to stay with your husband. And yes, I do think he is in the wrong here and would really consider leaving him.) Adoption could also be good option. There are many people out there who would love to have kids, but can’t and would be great parents. You could choose to be a part of the child’s life or not with adoption. I would definitely think it through and not make a quick decision based off of what you are feeling right this minute.
Post # 81
I don’t understand how pp think this controlling husband would consent to having his child put up for adoption. That simply isn’t realistic, and it puts her at his whim again. It’s simply not a good plan for a woman who is dealing with control issues. He didn’t do this so she would put their child up for adoption. He did it to keep her.
Post # 82
BalletParker: I think the couple of us that did suggest adoption as a possible option were doing so in the hopes that OP could see there might be an option somewhere between termination and having a family in a situation she feels is unstable. She might not have to go one extreme or the other. As much as she explains, only she knows what is possible. Even if there’s a tiny chance that adoption might be something she could do, it’s at least worth mentioning. I imagine since she’s already probably so overwhelmed with everything, it might be even more overwhelming if she thought the only option was termination.
It just seemed to be something worth mentioning. In a decision such as this, all options should probably be brought up even if they’re immediately off the table.
Post # 83
BalletParker: Also, re: adoption, it is certainly not indisputably the happily-ever-after solution that some people seem to think it is:
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1552-6909.1999.tb02008.x/abstract;jsessionid=31965B852CF386593C61A5917B3908A1.f03t01 This literature review found that a body of literature exists that suggests that adoption can have problematic long-term effects on the birth mother. I apologize if this link does not come through for people: the citation is Askren, H., & Bloom, K. (1999) Post-adoptive reactions of the relinquishing mother: A review. Journal of Obstetric, Gynecological and Neonatal Nursing, 1999 Jul-Aug; 28(4):395-400)
http://www2.uwstout.edu/content/lib/thesis/2010/2010davidsonh.pdf This is an MS thesis, so I don’t wish to present its conclusions as definitive–I only link it because of its discussion of relevant studies on pgs. 21-7.
Post # 84
pianobeeksb: I say this a someone who has gone through years of fertility treatmenst and had a stillbirth…DO NOT let my struggle to have a child guilt you into keeping your baby, if that isn’t the best decision for you and your baby. My journey and difficulties have nothing to with your journey. For some it is easy to get pregnant for other hard. But the choice to keep a child is up to that individual woman. And do not feel guilty for one second that you terminated your ‘easy’ pregnancy when others struggle.
You are in an impossible situation. And at this point you have to make the best of the worst decision. Good Luck.I know it will be tough, but you are strong and you will come out the other side stronger and better for it.
Post # 86
I’m not going to get into your birth control methods or story but I wanted to say that getting an abortion is absolutely your choice, don’t let anyone guilt you or try to convince you one way or the other. Give yourself some time and do what is best for you.
Post # 87
I am really impressed with some of the compassion and support of some of these posts. Others… basically turned my stomach. Her husband intentionally got her pregnant and went against their joint birth control plan, basically doing the equivalent of a woman poking holes in the condom, yet some of you still want to know his “side” of events and are harping on her about it also being her “fault”? Goodness, what does it take in our culture to not automatically defer to a man? Ridiculous!
OP, good luck. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Post # 88
CoffeeBeanKate: while I think women should be able to have the perfect guy and still find the need for an abortion (I think my fiance is great but because of work and finances, raising a kid now would be disastrous for us), I agree with the rest if what you said. It’s possible he did try to withdraw but just couldn’t do it right. It’s possible he did and there were some swimmers left. It is kind of weird that everyone is jumping the gun on demonizing her husband. If he had worn a condom and it broke and plan B failed, would we similarly talk about this being assault?
This is why I urge every woman to take her reproductive health into her own hands. Don’t rely on a guy to control his sperm or put on a condom. Get a non hormonal IUD if you can’t do hormonal methods.
FWIW, I think an abortion is a good idea and you should use this incident to get some perspective on your marriage.
Post # 89
essie07: From OP: “He simply stopped so I asked him if he was going to finish which would require a change of positions and then he replied that he already did. And then said it wouldn’t be the worst thing if I got pregnant.”
She was there, she said multiple times it was deliberate, idk why that’s not enough to believe her. And no the conversation would not be the same if a condom had broken instead?? The assault part is that he did something to her without her consent.
Post # 90
minniegrace: exactly and furthermore her own therapist fears he did this to control her. im thinking the therapist knows better than the bee:-)
MarriedToMyWork: wow, that was eye-opening, thanks.