Post # 1
My boyfriend of almost 6 years and I were talking the other day about shotgun weddings and he said it makes sense to marry if the woman gets pregnant (if she’s decent) because you’re going to be paying child support anyway.
I told him that I disagree, that if a man isn’t ready to marry without a child, nothing will really change with a kid in the picture. I also told him that if I got pregnant before we were engaged or living together (I’m infertile so it’s sort of a moot point, but there always a chance) I would not keep the child (adoption would be my first choice). He shrugged it off.
Would you all bring a child into a relationship where there was no permanent commitment?
I also think it’s kind of cruel to basically tell me that he would marry me right now if I got pregnant, but since I am not he can still be unsure after 5+ years, when he knows I pretty much have no chance of getting pregnant.
Post # 2
I think shotgun weddings are a thing in the past for a lot of comuunities. In a lot of places majority of children are born outside of marriage. Thankfully you are not forced to get married if you get pregnant (due to societal pressure) I do understand that sometimes it might give a kick towards marriage but I wouldn’t want to get married just because of pregnancy. I also probably want to be married before having kids, but its not a neceasity’. None of my friends with kids are married and all kids were planned.
In also not sure how his child support comment is relevant. I’d assume that you’d still be together.
Post # 3
I don’t think shotgun weddings really happen that reqularly anyway. Obviously if the couple have only been together a few months when they find out they are expecting then getting married is quite rash and is probably not the best choice. I’m sure in a lot of cases the couple have been together a few years, always figured they would get married ‘one day’ but had never focused on it but when they find out they are having a baby it gives them the push they need.
I agree with the PP that the child support comment doesn’t even make sense, presumably if you are unmarried but still together the woman wouldn’t take the father to court to legally mandate child support payments so I don’t see how that links into marriage at all.
Post # 4
lauralaura123 : “he said it makes sense to marry if the woman gets pregnant (if she’s decent)…”
Really? Really? I suppose she was “decent” enough for the guy to have sex with her… Wow, OP, with your boyfriend’s thought process, you’ve got a less than stellar specimen…
Post # 5
I would assume he was speaking hypothetically and not about your specific relationship since you were discussing only the concept of shotgun weddings and if they were right or wrong.
Post # 6
My parents had a shot gun wedding… made my entire childhood miserable and abusive. Not saying thats always the case but… two people getting married for an unplanned pregnancy isn’t ok in my books. I hated it. Still do. They were married for 17 years now divorced for 13.
Post # 7
claroquesi : I told him that it might not be the best idea to marry a woman he had a short term relationship but no compatibility with before this comment…Not every woman a guy has sex with will be a good fit as a wife
Post # 8
“I also think it’s kind of cruel to basically tell me that he would marry me right now if I got pregnant, but since I am not he can still be unsure after 5+ years, when he knows I pretty much have no chance of getting pregnant”
Kind of? Did you tell him what a hurtful comment that was?
Post # 9
lauralaura123 : “Not every woman a guy has sex with will be a good fit as a wife”
Right, she might not be “decent”…
Post # 10
claroquesi : Here I thought the OP just accidentally typed “she’s” instead of “he’s”…like a decent guy would marry his girlfriend if she was pregnant, not that the girlfriend had to be decent herself to be good enough for marriage. But I guess I was wrong as the OP clarified that she really meant there was some arbitrary character test women had to pass in order to be wife material.
Post # 11
Thankfully this isn’t as much of an issue as it was in the past! My grandparents had a shotgun wedding and a child very shortly after despite not dating for very long and having different cultures/first languages. They were the most comitted couple I’ve ever known. I think it shows that a child doesn’t hold a marriage together, but two mature adults willing to work together toward a better future for their family can. Love can grow. The point is, it can only grow in the right conditions! I don’t think it’s worth it to get mad at your boyfriend for this comment. It’s a pretty “old” point of view that men are exposed to by society. They are made to feel less of a man if they don’t marry a woman they get pregnant. Women are capable of raising children and taking care of their families themselves now! Unfortunately, many men still see themselves in the provider role and their wives in the nurturer role. I don’t think he said it to hurt you though! It sounds like the heart of this issue is that you feel strung along. You need to be talking about that with him instead of discussing hypothetical situations!
Post # 12
Okay so you’re kind of asking two different questions.
If a woman got pregnant and her and the guy in question didn’t really have a relationship/didn’t know each other…then definitely NO, they should not get married.
But your relationship is an entirely different ball of wax. You say you’ve been together nearly 6 years (though, I believe that hasn’t been straight thru, right?) but if you got pregnant you’d give the baby up for adoption. I guess I don’t really see why since you seem to think you two are headed towards marriage and you feel like you have a stable relationship and want to stay together. Is it because you don’t believe he’d help support this baby unless he was somehow financially tied to you through marriage or an apartment lease? All your posts about this guy have always pointed to the fact that you’re way more committed than he is, so my guess is that’s why you feel this way. You don’t actually trust him to stick around and help out.
My husband and I were together for 5 years before we got married. We had discussed this possibility before we got married/engaged and came to the conclusion that if I got pregnant, we’d get married before the baby was born. But that was just because we were committed and planned on getting married anyway. A baby would have just sped things along.
ETA: I also need to add that your SO’s comment about “if she’s decent” is gross.
Post # 13
Getting pregnant wouldn’t change my marriage plans. I think it’s hugely irresponsible to get married due to a pregnancy. If you were already “there” (engaged/almost engaged), then sure, that’s one thing. It’s a mindset thing, though. If you are committed and have always wanted kids together, then an unexpected pregnancy is more of a “well, this is sooner than we expected but still a good thing” surprise. If it’s a BAD surprise though, why add a second mistake to the mix?
Post # 13
dianaj17 : “If you are committed and have always wanted kids together, then an unexpected pregnancy is more of a “well, this is sooner than we expected but still a good thing” surprise. If it’s a BAD surprise though, why add a second mistake to the mix?”
This exactly. You said it much more succinctly than I did!
Post # 14
My ex husband always said that if he got a woman pregnant, he would marry her and “make the marriage work”. I kind of laughed it off and was like, “Oh, an arranged marriage by accidental pregnancy, perfect!”
Then we were engaged and married and all he could talk about was getting pregnant, no many how many times I told him I was only 25/26/27 and wanted to get established in my career first.
Three months after our divorce, he (a 31 year old), got a 21 year old he met at the bar a few months earlier…. you guessed it! Pregnant! He proposed to her immediately on finding out the news and they got married as soon as the baby arrived. I kind of think he planned it, because let’s be honest, he was obsessed with babies. Maybe poked a hole in the condom, convinced her it would be great to have kids… who knows.
The whole point? He was a messed up individual. Very emotionally abusive. It’s not normal to be like, “Oh, if she’s decent enough, marriage because pregnant.”