(Closed) Should a person be graduated/have a job etc. before getting engaged?

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Are graduating from school and/or getting a good job prerequisites for getting engaged?

    No, whenever you're ready is the right time, as long as BF is ready too

    Yes, wait until done with grad school (or college if that's your stopping point)

    Yes, wait until done w/ (grad) school AND have a good job

    No, whenever you're ready, but should wait until boyfriend has solid job

    Other, please explain

  • Post # 77
    692 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    First of all, there’s a big difference between getting engaged and getting married.  Engagement doesn’t come with any legal benefits, status changes, etc, its really just an emotional/social thing, and I think couples can do that whenever they please.  Even if they don’t indend to actually marry for quite awhile.

    Second, let’s be realistic here: the US economy sucks, especially for recent grads.  A person can spend years looking for work, whether that’s work in their preferred field, or ANY work at all, depending on the location.

    So my conclusion is that it really should be up to the couple to find their point of “ready”, and not define it by other life hurdles if they don’t want to/its not practical in their situation.  I mean, I’m not saying you should leap into marriage while your mom still does your laundry, but if you’re mid 20s, in a stable, happy relationship, but you’re both just scraping by, I don’t see why the crappy economy should keep people from committing their lives to each other.

    I actually read an article semi-on topic earlier today, about how recent grads have such horrible student loans and crappy job prospects that they’re delaying marriage and families.  One girl was quoted as saying she’s given up on having kids at all, because in 5 years she’s stuggled to barely put a dent in her 6-figure loan.

    Post # 78
    4605 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    You’re going to get a lot of different answers for this because everyone has a different situation but I’ll put in my two cents.

    Ideally, I’d wanted to be done with school before I got married. FH has a good job, will be graduating next year and essentially has a job lined up for him as soon as he graduates. however, his mom’s health is declining and we want her to be there we’ve moved the date up. I’ll only have a year left of school and I intend to have a job within the next month or two. It’s not ideal, but it’s what we’re doing because of the circumstances we are dealing with.

    Post # 79
    173 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I too initially really think a couple ought to be self-sufficient, independent and have plans to keep growing as a married couple before getting married. But the definition is different for everyone. People arrive at that point of being “ready” at different times. 

    In my situation, my SO is older and has a full-time job/career with a steadily growing income. I am a full-time student, paid my entire undergrad through scholarships, am finishing my degree this fall, and I’m applying for vet school ($$$$!!!). I have 4 minimum wage part time jobs, that pay barely enough for my end of basic household bills but 2 of which are great experience. Sadly I’m an international student so even to get a better paying job outside of campus or my field of study (just for extra cash) is impossible. If I get my green card that’d no longer be an issue. 😉 

    So we get by ok on our own. On the flip side, my parents have generously been saving up to pay for my vet school applications and tuition. Now, if I wanted to be on my own, I could either refuse that money and have gigantic debt, not go, or wait 5 years to get married (and lose much of my insurance after undergrad and have limited summer work). And getting married during vet school is a bit much. Nor can one easily work while in vet school. 

    Does having parental help for my expensive education make me less independent and less ready? I don’t feel that way. It’s a gift, and it’s a very practical one. We can certainly afford the wedding on our own- I don’t expect any help- and it makes a lot of sense financially and logistically, and we’ll actually be far better off after it. So pooh pooh to those who object! 

    Point being… there is no magic formula. 

    Post # 80
    1344 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013 - Vine Street Church

    We both wanted to have solid jobs before getting engaged or married because we didn’t want to be engaged for a long time.

    Post # 81
    7975 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    Crikey, I hope not… I’m still doing my PhD!

    I do think you should wait until you are financially secure though. To me, this means owning your own home. This is the reason Fiance and I took so long to get married!

    Post # 83
    7975 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    View original reply
    @Creiddylad:  But you already have a home! That was such a big deal for us. I worked multiple jobs and saved for 10 years to pay for my half of our deposit. It was only after we moved in that we started saving for the wedding… we’ve been together for about 7 1/2 years!

    I know I’m showing my middle classness, but having that property was sooooo important to us! Much more important than a wedding.

    Post # 84
    13722 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    I think you need to be financially independent as a couple before getting engaged. 

    Post # 87
    7975 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    View original reply
    @Creiddylad:  Nope, I get it. And I get how awesome it is to get a car as a student. As in YIP YIP, I’M A REAL GROWN UP! I love my ten year old car. She and I have a history together.

    Post # 88
    33 posts
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I think its fine for you to get engaged when you are both ready (so, in the near future) but then wait to get married until you have left grad school and have a job.

    Post # 89
    4654 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Everyone’s relationship is different. I was engaged at one point pre-graduation but looking back, I was so not ready (nor was that the right relationship, but that’s another thing.) As soon as that was over I knew I wasn’t going to be ready to be engaged until me and whoever I was with were both financially stable and on our own.

    But that’s just me… not everyone has the same criteria as I do. If you and your guy are both gung ho and don’t have any major obstacles you don’t feel you can hurdle, I don’t see why not.

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