should a sil always be included?

posted 2 years ago in Family
  • poll: should a sil (brother's wife) always be included in mother daughter days?
    yes : (3 votes)
    5 %
    no : (45 votes)
    68 %
    sometimes : (18 votes)
    27 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    9216 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    your update doesn’t make sense, even daughters are allowed to have one on one time with their own mother.  if there are 2 daughters in one family, the mom can spend individual time with both.  both sisters don’t have to be included in everything.

    maybe one sister likes shopping and the other doesn’t.  the nonshopping sister would hate being on a mother/daughter shopping day.  and the nonshopping sister shouldn’t have to join if she doesn’t want to or just because she is a sister.

    Post # 32
    Member
    715 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    The bottom line is no. No one ever HAS to be invited to any get-together. This isn’t necessarily kind and its obviously not what you want, but you have to understand that they are under no obligation to invite you along, and your insistence likely makes them less inclined to have you there.

    This has been going on for you for a LONG time and I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you didn’t get the in-law dynamic you clearly very much want. And it sucks, I’m sorry you’re not all on the same page but at the same time you have to understand that it just isn’t likely to magically change the way you want it to and that if you continue to push then it will just make it worse.

     

    Post # 33
    Member
    1940 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

    In our families in laws always spend mother daughter outings together. For example if my mom and I were going out for a coffee automattically my sisters, sisters in laws, my future mother in law and my future sisters in laws would get an invitation.

    Post # 34
    Member
    2427 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: NJ

    I had the setup you describe, my Darling Husband has 2 sisters, and when his mother was alive, I was only included when the whole family was. Not when it was just those 3. It never occurred to me to notice it, or feel anything about it. They were together their whole lives, why should I all of a sudden be included just because I married DH?

    Each sister had 4 kids, and the Mother-In-Law was deeply involved, and it was an enmeshed support system and the kids were always around too. Circumstances are different for everyone.

    Post # 35
    Member
    36 posts
    Newbee

    I think this has to do with the relationship you want/have with the person, and how they view you.  My parents treat my husband just like a son.  No difference. They are close.  His parents make the line between their children and the -in laws clear.  I am not close with them due to that, but that’s ok.  The problem occurred when  MIL wanted to treat me like an inlaw but have the rights of a mother.  One can’t have it both ways.  She expected to be in the delivery room like my mother was, but we didn’t have that kind of relationship due to her attitude.  So, I think the question stems from two people who view their relationship differently.  It isn’t a matter of “having to invite” someone.  It’s a matter of one person having expectations of being included like the daughters while not being treated exactly the same.  To avoid hurt feelings, the best thing to do is evaluate the relationship and accept it for what it is. Let go of your expectations of how it “should” be and accept what it is.  My daughter had to accept that her SIL isn’t going to be the best friend that she hoped because the SIL has sisters and doesn’t want another one.  It’s disappointing, but it’s better to realize people aren’t meaning to be hurtful.  They just are who they are. 

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