(Closed) Should an explanation be expected?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: A friend not chosen as a bridesmaid; is an explanation to her necessary?
    No way - it's your wedding and your choice! Everyone needs to get on board or get over it. : (36 votes)
    38 %
    An explanation is nice if you'd once said she'd be a bridesmaid and now isn't. : (36 votes)
    38 %
    An explanation is nice if you know she's expecting/hoping to be a bridesmaid, even if not promised. : (20 votes)
    21 %
    Other : (2 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2750 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    You’re doing what’s best and right for you.  A good friend … true friend, would know that.  Her reaction just validates why she is not in the wedding party at all.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2542 posts
    Sugar bee

    You don’t owe her an explanation In My Humble Opinion. It’s your wedding and your decision. Her BS is not something you need surrounding you when you are planning and on your wedding day. If she asks why, tell her…otherwise, leave it it alone.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1628 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    You definitely do not owe her an explanation. Now, if you’d told her right before you got engaged “oh please promise me you’ll agree to be my bridesmaid!” then yeah you might want to be nice and explain why things changed so that a friend isn’t left bewildered, but unless it is something specific like that where a clear expectation was put out by you, then no you don’t need to explain to ANYONE.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2053 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @MrsTahoe: I don’t think you owe her an explanation, or anything for that matter, not only because you’re simply not obligated to give one, but especially regarding her. She sounds very self-centered and judgmental, and her friendship is conditional and manipulative. Wish her well on figuring all that out…far away from you. Congratulations on your wedding and in making such a smart and healthy decision for yourself.

    (Heh. You just helped me come to a conclusion about a similar “friend” in my world. Sometimes it is easier to help others than to help ourselves. Thank you for your inspiring and thought-provoking post.)

    Post # 8
    Member
    1474 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

    It sounds like she’s made the decision to be hurt about this, and I don’t think there’s anything you can do. I’m not even sure explaining why you didn’t choose her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man would help much. Like a PP said, if she asks you pointblank, then yes, you should tell her that you decided not to ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and explain why. But if not, I wouldn’t get into it with her. It would probably lead to a fight and a lot of hurt feelings, and as I said before, she’s making the choice to be mad about this and not attend your wedding. It’s her loss, unfortunately. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    137 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Yikes! I was in your exact position but I DID offer an explanation without being asked first (pressure from another friend).  Bad idea.  If she wants to bring it up with you she can/will.  As a previous poster said, a true friend wouldn’t make you feel bad about this decision.  

    I wish I hadn’t said anything, and you should just let it go.  Hopefully she’ll come around, but if not, it’s her loss.  

    Post # 10
    Member
    611 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @MrsTahoe: “When my friend told me she wasn’t going to attend, I actually felt relieved. That has really shown that I made the right decision and this friendship has run its course.”

    Good for you! You definitely made the right decision, and no, you don’t owe her an explanation.

    Post # 11
    Member
    378 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I actually think I’m in the minority here – you are saying that this friendship has run its course…. well, I think that’s why you need to let her know why you aren’t picking her. Not in a hateful “mean girls” sort of way, but you need to let her know that you didn’t want to pick her as a bridesmaid because you and her have grown apart and aren’t the friends you once were. I think when you DON’T say something, you never get closure. I was having similar issues with one of my best friends from high school who became very needy/leechy when we got older (and would dissapear when she’d date a guy and reappear when they dumped her). I had to put my foot down and basically tell her why I thought we shouldn’t be friends anymore and it’s been 2+ years that we talked, but we both had closure. I think we both sensed for a while that we had outgrown each other but felt obligated to be each other’s friends for some reason because of what good times we had.

    Not worth it – if you don’t want to keep her as a friend, be honest with her. It will make you feel better in the end (long time from now).

    Post # 13
    Member
    2053 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @MrsTahoe: I don’t blame you for feeling relieved. It’s a shame when someone chooses to put their pettiness over celebrating the happiness of a friend. Here’s to the genuine friends that share in one’s happiness with a true heart. 

    As for my story, I lost a friendship with someone whose jealousy of me emerged in all its ugliness from the moment I got engaged. She actually tried to trick me into leaving my engagement ring in her safe (she was the only one with the key to it) when we went out dancing one night. Her reasoning? I would attract men who would see my ring as a challenge and she didn’t think I could handle myself in that situation…even though we were going to a gay bar  just to dance and avoid attracting men in the first place. Hooray for crazy logic! After declaring that I’ve never been a support to her, that I never fit her definition of “friend,” and after it had been months since we last corresponded, she was actually surprised when we did not invite her to the wedding. She wrote as much, as though trying to guilt me into going back in time to invite her. She said that not only did she expect to be invited, but also that she expected to be more than just a guest to help me that day. I’ve ignored her e-mails ever since because it was clear that she never wanted a resolution, she just wanted to fight. She tried to goad me one last time (I hope) into responding to her, otherwise she will just go on thinking I’m being “beastly” toward her but still sends her love to my husband and stepsons. As far as I’m concerned, she can go on thinking whatever she wants. Like Glinda the Good Witch said to the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz, “You have no powers here. Be gone before someone drops a house on you, too!”

    Post # 15
    Member
    2866 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    In this case after reading all your follow ups I think you handled it fine as you don’t want to fight. However I think in most cases no you don’t OWE anyone anything, but as a friend and hopefully someone with manners and kindness you should explain to a friend your choice. I mean why wouldn’t you? Just because it is a wedding doesn’t exempt people from acting appropriately. If a friend hurt you in an everyday situation you’d want to talk it out right? Same concept. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    487 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Err no! You don’t owe someone an explanation as to why they’re not a bridesmaid. I hope nobody is secretly expecting to be a bridesmaid at my wedding because I am only having one and I don’t intend to explain to every single one of my female friends, relatives and future relatives why they’re not being asked.

    It seriously pees me off when women get like this. When my sister in law first got with my brother, one of her friends announced “if you get married DON’T expect me to be a bridesmaid” so she didn’t ask her. When her friend found out she wasn’t asked she went insane!

    The worst part about it? My sister in law gave in and added her as a bridesmaid at the last minute. Don’t you dare do the same lol! You handled it perfectly and you don’t owe her, or anybody else you didn’t ask an explanation as to why not. She’s being ridiculous and a drama queen. You don’t want that at your wedding, maybe it’s better that she’s not coming lol.

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