- 6 years ago
- Wedding: February 2012
I have a friend, whom I’ve known about 6 years, who I’ve had a very volatile relationship with. We lived together about 4 of those years and many of them were extremely stressful for me. She has the capacity to be a great friend, and those moments often came through, but she also has a lot of anger management issues and would often take out her stress and anger on me. We had many explosive fights over really insignificant things.
She also has an odd sense of entitlement, in that she’ll expect things from me (or expect me to do things for her) without regard to its cost (physical, emotional, mental) to me. An example, she’d often expect me to pick her up from the airport when she’d get in at a time when public transportation wasn’t available. Most of the time I’d say yes, but if I couldn’t (one time I was really sick and said no), she’d get really angry with me and not speak to me for days. And yes, where we live, cabs are easy to get – just expensive.
To get to the point of all this, I’ve know for some time before Fiance and I got engaged, I wouldn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid, because of the anger and entitlement issues. But of course to make matters more complicated, she is the one who introduced me to Fiance. Another reason not to include her in the wedding was because she’s been rather negative about my relationship with Fiance (saying it was never going to work, because he was in the military he’d definitely cheat on me, all kinds of nonsense).
So after our engagement, I chose my bridesmaids (3 in total including MOH), and that was that. I didn’t tell my friend I wasn’t choosing her when we told her our wedding plans, even though I knew she was expecting to be a bridesmaid, and was actually even expecting to be Maid/Matron of Honor. I didn’t tell her mostly because of how angry she can react to things (who needs that stress before their wedding?!) but also because I don’t feel brides are necessarily obligated to explain to friends why they weren’t chosen for the bridal party, even if the friend expected to be. Her expectations were based on her own views, not because I ever said “Oh, when I get married you’ll DEFINITELY be a bridesmaid!” I was actually very careful not to say that to anyone cause I know things change.
Now at this point this friend obviously fully realizes I’m not having her in the wedding and so she is refusing to attend. She said she’s upset because she’s not included even though she introduced us, and also because I never talked to her about it, and she doesn’t want to come to the wedding and pretend not to be deeply offended when she is.
I know I’ve made the right decision in asking her not to be in the wedding, and I also know the choice for her not to come is on her. But this does make me curious as to what you all think – if we have a friend who we KNOW expects to be a bridesmaid (whether they came to that conclusion themselves or because we’d promised it so long ago), do we owe it to them to explain why they aren’t in the wedding? Or is it our choice and we don’t owe anyone an explanation?