(Closed) Should everyone who was invited to engagement party get invited to wedding?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I invited everyone who I asked to my engagement party to my wedding?

    Only those who actually attended the engagement party need to get a wedding invite.

    Yes, you should invite everyone you asked, whether they came or not.

    You don't have to base the wedding guest list on the engagement party list.

  • Post # 3
    4831 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @Miss Mochaccino: Short answer, yes.

    Your engagement party list should either be the same as your wedding invite list, or a small subset of your wedding invite list.

    Inviting people to the engagement party and then not inviting them to the wedding looks a bit like a “gift grab”.

    Just because someone couldn’t come to the engagement party doesn’t mean they won’t come to the wedding. If I went by that logic I would have ended up uninviting 2 of my bridesmaids and one of DH’s groomsmen!

    Post # 5
    8373 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    Yes, as the poll indicates — and as the prior posters have noted — etiquette does not permit you to invite people to an engagement party and then exclude them from the wedding. Anyone invited to the engagement party also should be invited to attend the wedding.

    Post # 6
    3572 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2011


    But I didn’t. Our engagement party was a surprise and I had 0 say in the guest list. I didn’t invite two couples from our engagement party because I still have no clue why my mom included them. Oh well.

    Post # 7
    2492 posts
    Buzzing bee

    They need to be invited. It’s a party form of a save the date.

    Post # 8
    606 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Absolutely.  If these people are special enough to you to celebrate your engagement, they should be special enough to invite to your wedding.

    Post # 9
    1691 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I agree that you need to invite them even if they didn’t show. If they knew they were invited to the engagement party then they will definitely expect to be invited to the wedding. 

    Post # 10
    1094 posts
    Bumble bee

    It depends.

    Traditional etiquette does not, in fact, require that you invite your engagement-party guests to your wedding. That’s made-up modern etiquette, but much made-up modern etiquette seems to have been derived in order to mitigate the distastefulness of some other behaviour that traditional etiquette would never have tolerated. If you are going to take advantage of the license granted by modern manners, you had better also submit to the cursory restrictions imposed by modern manners.

    Case in point: traditional etiquette forbids you ever throwing a party in your own honour, not even a wedding party, and certainly not for such trivialities as engagement or birthday parties. Traditional etiquette also strictly limits the occasions and scpoe for gift-giving, and engagements are NOT such an occasion. So, a traditionally proper engagement party takes one of two forms:

    It may be an ordinary hospitable entertainment, to which a number of the bride’s and groom’s social circle are invited by some host who routinely entertains in that fashion, without any mention on the invitation of the special purpose of the party. At an appropriate point in the evening, the host announces the engagement. Everyone claps, and goes back to eating the hostess’s food and drinking her wine and enjoying her entertainment. Nothing in this scenario creates any sort of social debt — other than the debt the guests owe their hostess, to send her a thank-you note the next morning and to invite her over some time in the next season. There is no earthly reason why generously feeding and entertaining folk should create an obligation to go on and feed and entertain them again and again.

    Alternately, a traditional engagement party may take the form of a small intimate party allowing the bride’s family and the groom’s family to get acquainted. Traditionally it would be hosted by the groom’s mother, and the guests of honour would be the bride’s parents, with the bride- and groom-to-be invited along as an afterthought, with maybe one or two other close friends or relatives to round the party out to the traditionally elegant table of ten. Again, no special social debt is created, and all those people would likely be invited to the wedding anyway.

    Now, modern manners allow the happy couple to send out a flamboyant invitation to all their friends advertising their engagement and creating an expectation that they will be the centre of attention at the party. That gives their friends an early start on the gift-giving, and makes the couple even happier since they get an early start on the gift-getting. A whole season of “pre-wedding events” is then kicked off, evoking further expenditure and culminating in the Event of Events. And in this case, then yes, you have created the modern expectation of a wedding invitation and must follow through.

    Post # 11
    538 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    If you had no say in the guest list, you don’t need to invite everyone according to traditional etiquette.  You might want to put that in the title, if people assume that you made the guestlist they’ll be more inclined to say “Yes.”

    Post # 13
    1835 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @Miss Mochaccino: I’m sorry, its really rude to invite people to a party for your wedding and then deem them not close enough to you to invite to the actual wedding.

    My fiance’s family threw our engagement party and I had no say as to who was invited.  (sent out the invitations 1 day BEFORE the proposal!) There were a dozen of family friends there that I/he never met or met briefly on holidays. But they came. Or they gave gifts. Or they gave gifts and came. You bet your ass I’m inviting them to the wedding. Having a few less people is not worth that breach of etiquette.

    Post # 15
    1835 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @Miss Mochaccino:

    Ahhh. Well, if they were party crashers, obviously thats different. You asked about invited guests, which was the question we were answering.

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