Post # 1
Hey All- sorry if this gets a little long, I’m just looking for advice or guidance, as my Fiance and I feel one way about this issue, and his family feels another way and I’m not sure who is being irrational. FI has two younger brothers, one of who will still be under 21 (but barely) when the wedding day rolls around. FBIL is a bit of a party person, has been written up multiple times at college and I have a lot of worries about his alcohol intake at our wedding, especially since my dad is in the legal world, and really can’t have underage people drinking at our wedding. FBIL is going to be in the bridal party, but not really because Fiance wants him there. They have a pretty strained relationship, because Fiance feels like he’s immature and his parents show a lot of favoritism towards him (both true things). He’s putting him in because the stink that his mom would make if he’s not in it just isn’t worth it. We’re following the typical “and guest” rules of the bridal party and anyone who is in a long term relationship. FI has A LOT of family and a lot of younger cousin who Future Brother-In-Law knows well. My parents are paying for the entire day of the wedding, and his parents are only paying for the rehearsal dinner (even though the wedding itself is heavily made up of his family, and his parents are much more well off than mine are). Anyway, Future Brother-In-Law keeps insisting that he gets a guest (or two!) and is going to bring his guy friends from home who are just as immature as he is and drink just as much (and are also under 21). FI and I feel really strongly that he isn’t getting a guest because we don’t want some kid we don’t know making a scene at our wedding- this is our wedding, not an excuse at an open bar. FMIL is already making an issue out of it saying that he should get a guest and can invite whoever he wants…. what do you guys think? Should he get to invite this random person we don’t know or should we try to put our foot down?
Post # 3
put your foot down, unless he is in a relationship and the +1 is his girlfriend/fiance/partner/wife he does not automatically get a +1!
Post # 4
I say keep saying no… If he had a long term partner then yeah but it is a family wedding he will be fine.
By the way we have 2 single Bridal Party members and they are fine with no plus ones as they have other friends at the wedding to hangout with – to be honest I feel bad for the partners of the other Bridal Party members because they won’t get to see much of their partners until after dinner (about 8ish) and so have to hang out alone (they actually dont know anyone other than Fiance and I and their partners)
After planning my wedding all I can say is etiquette sux… (mainly because it gives everyone an opinion and they try to back it up with “but etiquette says…” stuff etiquette we are paying for the wedding our rules go hehehe)
Post # 5
I’m all for the bridal party +1’s, but it sounds like he is going to abuse it. I’d say no +1 for him, and stick to it.
Post # 6
Only if he has a girlfriend or a date.
Post # 7
I would give him the plus 1 but it would have to be a date.
Post # 8
I wouldn’t give him a plus one as he isn’t in a relationship. Also let him know that the wedding isn’t a frat party and he needs to behave himself. If I were you I would let your Fi handle it, and leave the fact that your parents are paying for the wedding out of it. Let him know you will have a hostess at the door and anyone not on the list won’t get in.
Post # 9
Agreed. I would only allow him a plus one if it is a girlfriend.
Post # 10
Furthermore, I’d let the venue/bartender know that he is underage. Provide a picture of him if need be. If he gets drunk and hurts someone then the venue, the bartender, you, your Fiance, and your dad could be in a lot of trouble. If Future Mother-In-Law says something about it (trust me, I know about favoritism towards siblings) then you can send her to the venue manager. A reputable venue is not going to risk hefty fines just to placate one MOG.
Post # 11
@Sugaree: That’s a great idea!
Post # 12
If you want to be perfectly proper, you would adress your invitations to each and every guest by name. (I really tried to do this, it was very imporant to me. But I had an aunt in “on-again/off-again” relationship. The relationship isn’t toxic, just my aunt being wishy washy. So she got an “and Guest” – her man is invited if they’re together; otherwise she can bring her gal-pal to help with the 3 hour drive.)
If you are able to get names for all of your guests’ dates (which makes them feel more like your guests, and prevents the last minute scramble for a wedding date which can come with an un-named +1) then you’ll have a stronger argument for not allowing Future Brother-In-Law to invite his frat buddies. Afterall, he’ll need to give you the name of his ONE guest months prior to the wedding – when you’re sending out invitations.
It isn’t perfect, but it’s perfectly proper, it’s non-confrontational; and your Future Mother-In-Law won’t be able to fault you for handling your guest list that way.
As far as the underage drinking goes, if you have an open bar most venues require a licensed bar tender to serve the drinks. The bar tender should not knowingly serve someone who cannot legally consume alcohol. If you are very worried about it, it might be worth mentioning to the venue that this is a concern, and you just want to be sure that they know you fully support their policy of not serving minors (as you get nearer to your date and are discussing details).
Post # 13
I’d give him a plus one under some rules. Essentially, I’d tell him xx number of drinks, or you must leave. God love my sister but she can drink the best of the best under a table. We came to a deal that she can’t drink until 10:00, and she can bring one friend (who likes to party) who must stay sober until 10:00, minimum. I figure by 11:00, most of the “older” guests will be gone, so I don’t care if she makes a fool of herself in front of my friends.
Post # 14
We’re not extending +1s to the wedding party if they aren’t in a relationship. Whether this is a no-no I don’t really know, but we’re following the overall “rule” of if you’re not in a relationship, then no +1.
That being said, I’d say no to a +1 for him. If he knew no one, then maybe. But, since his family social circle will be there, then there’s plenty of enough company for him.
Post # 15
@takemyhand: He’s underaged. They can’t legally serve him any alcohol.
I agree with the PP who suggested telling the bartender not to serve him, and give them his picture.
Post # 16
Absolutely not, if he wanted to bring his girlfriend that would be one thing, but it is entirely inappropriate for him to bring friends to your wedding. Maybe it’s just his own immaturity thinking he can invite random people to your party, but his mother should absolutely know better. Your Fiance needs to set them both straight!