Should fiancé tell his parents before proposing?

posted 3 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

No no no no NO NO NO NO. Do NOT “run it past his parents”. He’s a grown man and can execute a proposal without internalizing mom’s anxieties beforehand. My in-laws are the exact same way – weren’t ready for us to get married, weren’t ready for us to have children, weren’t ready for us to move to a neighbouring city and buy a house. Too bad. They’ll just have to skip the litany of cautions and be happy for you after-the-fact.

Post # 3
Member
9543 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I specifically asked my husband not to tell anyone when we was proposing. So I don’t really get running it by either of your parents.

I probably wouldn’t tell her beforehand.  I don’t think it would make her any happier and it might just make her feel like she should get some sort of input about whether or not he should do it.

Post # 4
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Why does he need to “run it by” his parents? He knows what they’d say. What is he accomplishing?

Post # 6
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

As PP mentioned, I don’t think he needs to “run it by” his parents. He is a grown, mature man (I hope) who is taking a decision about his life on his own (I hope). He doesn’t need his mother’s permission or approval, and “running it by” her might make her believe she has a voice in this decision -which she shouldn’t (not the same of sharing her opinion).

However, I do believe he could try and “let her know” that he is proposing to you the day of, or a day before, just as a formality. She is, after all, his mother and unless he is completely prepared for whatever output your engagement might have in his relationship with his mom (for example, her not speaking to him -or maybe even the opposite)…he should try and remain polite.

In any case, I think it is not your place to decide. You can suggest whatever you think is better, but do not make him or insist on him doing this or that. Otherwise, you risk being indirectly blamed fr whatever happens (which could be a good thing or a bad thing).

Post # 7
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

I wouldn’t say “run it by” his parents like he needs to ask for permission, but I don’t see the harm in letting them in on a huge step he’s about to take. I think it should be his choice whether he wants to tell his parents before hand or not. I would think it was odd for it to be kept such a secret from his immediate family, but every family is different.

ETA: while he doesn’t need permission obviously, I can imagine an out of the blue engagement might put a bad shadow over their relationship. It seems like they’re close if you’re thinking she’s “afraid to lose her baby boy”. The mom can have her opinion, and your Boyfriend or Best Friend can respectfully disagree, but I think keeping her in the dark until after might cause tension.

Post # 8
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If he is asking for their permission or approval then no he shouldn’t run it past his parents.  I mean if they say no what is he going to do or propose?  If not then what’s the point?  If it’s because he just want to let her know of the big event there is no harm if that is what he wants to do.

Do give his mom some slack though. 26 is on the younger side for couples especially men to be engaged so she has every right to think that way, however, she will now have to respect both your wishes since he plans to propose to you and hopefully she will warm up to you both being a wedded couple!

Post # 10
Member
859 posts
Busy bee

kayray820 :  I’m 27 and my SO is 28. We dated in HS and have been back together for 6yrs and lived together most that time. Kinda similar to you lol but I told my SO that when we both are fully ready and he proposes I want to be the first time know. It feels much more special plus in the end NO one is involved in our marriage other than the two of us. Oh and my SO mothers I feel doesn’t want to let go of him either. I’m pretty sure she has some resentment towards me so I feel ya!

Post # 11
Member
7862 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think he should give them a heads up that he’s about to take this massive step. It’s not “running it by them”…its informing them of his non negotiable plans. i think it’s a respectful gesture that could go a long way in making his parents feel valued and included. 

my Fiance was 34 when he proposed. He told his parents a few weeks before that he was going to ask me to marry him, so they wouldn’t be blindsided. They don’t really approve of our engagement (for religious reasons) but their opinion wasn’t about to sway him and i think it did mean a lot to them that he had the courtesy to let them know his plans before it was official!

Post # 12
Member
771 posts
Busy bee

kayray820 :  I am much younger than you (we were 19 when we got engaged) and no, he did not tell his mom. Your boyfriend’s mom sounds a little like my Future Mother-In-Law, but maybe less insane haha. My Future Mother-In-Law flat out doesn’t like me. He told his dad and showed him the ring because his dad is a completely different person. He was happy for us. He told his mom when he called her right after he asked. 

She didn’t want to lose her little boy but I will say, things have really changed since getting engaged. I think she realized how serious we are about each other and how she won’t be able to do anything about it now. Things have gotten better and she finally treats us like adults even though we are still very young (both 20 now).

It is up to your fiance whether he wants to tell her or not, but it should not be like asking permission. It should JUST be him telling them. 

Post # 13
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

I think it would be courteous for him to inform his parents ahead of time.

Post # 14
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

kayray820 :  I agree that a heads up is a good idea 🙂 I apologize, I wasn’t implying anything only offering it as advice in case you feel like you should make him do this or that.

I know sometimes I, for example, feel like I should make Darling Husband want to gift something to his parents on Christmas because, well, they are his parents; and I have to remind myself it is NOT my place to do so -which can be hard because I was raised with a different mindset regarding this situation.

Not wanting to be mean but you and your partner should also prepare yourself in case it backfires 🙁 I know of a friend who told his mother he was going to propose to his girlfriend and she went cold silent to him for over a month while she was processing it. Eventually she started talking to him again, but has yet to accept his wife as a daugther-in-law.

Post # 15
Member
6031 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I don’t think it would matter either way except for the fact that you both already know that his mother may be a naysayer about this. Why make things more stressful than they need to be?

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