Post # 1
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
So, my SO and I are getting closer and closer to proposal time. We went to visit our umpteenth jeweler yesterday and I FINALLY found the setting of my dreams. We’re getting a 1/2 carat FB moissanite put in, and in two weeks, it should be all ours!!
We’re both really excited. Today we were talking about it on the phone and he goes, “Well, I’m going to have to go have a talk with your mom (my dad isn’t in the picture) soon. And maybe your sisters too.” I asked him why he felt the need to do that, and he said something along the lines of “Well, that’s what you do, and I don’t care if you like it.”
Well, excuse me, but I will be thirty in December. I am a grown ass woman. I have lived on my own since I was 18, and while I love and respect my family, SO and I already live together. It’s stupid. The only person’s permission he needs to marry me is my own.
My family adores him, and they’re going to be so excited about the proposal. SO and I have been ring shopping since February(!–yes, I’m just that picky) and my family has no idea we’ve even talked about it. I LOVE surprises and I was really looking forward to announcing this to them in a fun and creative, jaw dropping kind of way. I think we could compromise and have him talk to them one on one after the proposal. I much prefer the idea getting their blessing after the fact, versus asking permission before hand.
Am I being too stubborn? What do you guys think?
ETA: SO and I will be paying for 100% of the wedding, if that sways your vote.
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This topic was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by jillbean1217.
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This topic was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by jillbean1217.
Post # 2
Member
2454 posts
Buzzing bee
I don’t see him talking to your mom or sisters as asking for permission, especially if they adore him and already support your relationship, but that just might be my point of view. My husband called my family the day he proposed to let them know. He also called all of our friends. To me it was more like, “it’s going down today!!” That’s how our circle is.
But if you would rather share the news with your family together afterwards, that’s a totally different thing.
Post # 3
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
jillbean1217: I think since your family adores him, it’s really cute that he wants to make them feel included. My FI took my parents out for dinner and they were at the resturant for over 4 hours and had the best time ever. They have loved him since day 1 but it was great for them to just bond by themselves. It’s not really that he was asking permission but I know my parents really loved that he took the time out to include them in such a huge milestone. My parents begged him to see the ring at dinner but he said no. He wanted me to be able to tell them the whole story and have that awesome experience of showing them the ring myself. You will still be able to surprise them with the ring and telling them the story after he proposes is such an amazing experience! My parents still talk about the dinner they had. Hope that helps 🙂
Post # 4
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
My husband and I dated for five years and lived together. I moved across the country for him. My dad isn’t in the picture, so my husband called my mom and showed her the ring etc. He planned an entire surprise engagement party with my entire family after he proposed.
If he wants to include your mom, let him. He may have a few more surprises up his sleeve for you 😉
Post # 5
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
I think they whole asking permission thing is VERY outdated. They know, you know, everyone knows you should be together. Why wait even longer?! My mom loves my FI, he didn’t ask and she was still just as happy when he became engaged.
Post # 6
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
When my husband proposed, we had been living together for 7 years. My parents are divorced and I have a deeply close relationship to my mother. My husband went to her before he proposed, not so much to ask for her permission, he was already a part of my family; but to include her on this very huge step that we would be taking. They shed tears of happiness together and talked about our future. I know my mom really loved and appreciated it and it was a very special moment between the two of them. I know a lot of people have strong feelings about this so I understand why you feel so but I think it’s really sweet to want to include your family. If you want to keep it to yourselves for the surprise factor, I would explain it to him in that way. For what it’s worth, my proposal was a complete surprise that I never saw coming. All my family and closest friends were there and it was one of the best nights of my life. Seeing as though your proposal won’t be too much of a surprise for you, I think you can definitely compromise because you want to be a part of sharing the awesome news. Good luck and congratulations!!
Post # 7
Member
5663 posts
Bee Keeper
jillbean1217: FOR SURE #1! It’s old school and traditional and I think it’s really sweet.
Post # 8
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
I think it is very important to include your parents in this, but how you do it should be decided by the both of you. However, most things wedding related are centered around the woman, so if that is how it is going to be with your wedding, I would let him have this one thing. I love it when my FI gets excited about something wedding related and has an idea or something meaningful that he wants to do. 🙂
Post # 9
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
TaraMay_: elyseDCB: mrsfancycups: This is the key in my question–I just want to be a part of the news. I mean, I know that I get to share the story and everything else, but I won’t get to see the initial reactions, and that will really, really, really make me sad. Hopefully I can convey this to him and we can compromise without him giving anything up. I don’t want to trample on his dreams either. ha.
JenniferLynnHosey: FutureMrsK2014: mrsfancycups: This is the other thing. SO and my mom already spend a ton of time together–she is single and likes to use my boyfriend for all of the manly things around the house, hahaha. I think that you have all brought up a really good point, and that is that the conversation itself could be a bonding moment. But couldn’t they have that moment after we share the news? I’m a brat, I know.
RedHeadKel: I know most girls would love this, but SO and I really aren’t traditional at all. I think he wants to be respectful, and I get that. It just chafes me that I’ve been living out of my mom’s house for nearly as long as I was in it. I’m not an 18 year old virginal bride, you know? But i will definitely try to keep this in mind when we’re talking tonight!
MrsRoberts52: You have good points, but I laughed out loud. My SO is going to be a bigger bridezilla than I am! Just wait, I’m sure you’ll be seeing stories!
Thanks for your opinions guys, this is helping me sort my feelings out. Keep them coming!
Post # 10
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
I think if you didn’t care one way or the other it would be fine for him to ask. Since you have fairly negative opinions about it I think he should respect that and not do it. I would have been pissed if my SO had gone to my parents first, even if it was for a “blessing” and not “permission”.
Post # 11
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
jillbean1217: Like you, I was older when I got married, (2 days shy of my 28th birthday) and had been on my own since I was 18. I always knew I wanted my future SO to talk to my dad. Not necessarily to ask permission, but more for his blessing. I believe it’s a sign of respect. And I know that my dad greatly appreciated that my my now husband took the time to talk to him about marrying me. I get that it’s not for everyone, but for me it was extremely important. My parents are a huge part of my life and I wanted them to know that DH respected them enough to want their blessing.
Post # 12
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: November 2015 - Old Mill Boathouse
I’m 30, my partner is 40 we live together and we will be paying for everything, my parents and family love him and I expect him to ask my parents before he proposes and he anticipated asking. For us it was just a respect thing.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by happenstance.
Post # 13
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
I personally told my FI when we first started talking about getting engaged that I did not want him to ask my parents for their permission or their blessing. I love and respect my family but I agree with you, the only persons permission he needed to ask for is mine! Maybe if you explain your reasoning he will understand?
Post # 14
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
Definitely let him do it! It’s not about the permission. It’s the symbol. And men getting the validation that they’re good enough for you. I wouldn’t even question it. If that’s what he wants to do I think it’s kinda sweet, plus it might mean something tradition-wise to him.
I’m nearly 28 and my boyfriend has no intentions of asking my parents apparently, but both of my brother in laws did for my sister and my dad really appreciated it (he’s old fashioned and he also asked my grandfather for my mothers hand).
Post # 15
Member
2845 posts
Sugar bee
jillbean1217: If you are really opposed to it, he shouldn’t do it.
