(Closed) Should he ask your parents first?

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 31
Member
5113 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

bphi163:  This. It’s more a gesture of respect than actually asking for permission. And just because you want your SO to ask for your parents’ blessing that does not mean you are not a strong independent woman. I parents certainly don’t own me, but my Fiance will be asking for my stepdad’s blessing (my father is not in the picture). We’re already engaged, but our parents don’t know yet, we’re planning a surprise proposal/wedding for them. We know that our parents are fine with us getting married, but I think it would mean a lot to my stepdad to be asked; the guy almost cried when I listed him as “Father” on facebook, it means a lot to be accepted as my father.

 

In regards to the OP- it does sound like your parents are too involved with your relationship, but you do sound relatively young and if your living at home, it’s hard for them not to be involved. I think they would probably be offended by not being asked, so you should tread lightly when telling them. In the end it’s your decision though.

Post # 32
Member
594 posts
Busy bee

SoonToBeAFK:  I’d be *pissed* and horribly offended if he asked them. It’s a tradition that I find incredibly sexist, and your parents have no business having that much say in your relationship.

Post # 33
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You seem to give your parents a lot of power over your relationship. I would not be interested in this type of relationship with my parents, they can give me advice and have my back but they certainly can’t force themselves and their opinions down my throat.

My now-husband did not ask for my parents permission. He did take them out for lunch to tell them his intentions and that he planned on proposing. There was no asking because I’m not property of my parents and they don’t get the option to answer a question meant for me. If they had good reason for me to not be with him.. Our relationship would’ve never gotten to the point of a proposal.

 

Post # 34
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I wanted my Fiance to ask my parents for my hand in marriage before he proposed but he didn’t. In the end I’m glad he didn’t because this was a decision between both of us and not my parents.  He did ask my dad for his blessing just a few hours after we had gotten engaged.  He had already talked to his parents so they already knew it was coming.  In all honesty its up to you whether you want him to ask your parents.  But by reading your post and knowing how controlling your parents are I say he shouldn’t.  If he does then in my opinion I think your parents will feel they have a say so in your marriage before it even begins.  Good luck!

Post # 35
Member
203 posts
Helper bee

Well considering I am 40, I definitely don’t see a need to ask my father (my mother passed in 1998) unless he just wants to. I told him the only one he needed the “OK” from was his son, and he already nags his dad about when it will happen 🙂

Post # 36
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Last I checked I’m the only person who can give permission for me to marry. You’re an adult and your own person, you should be the only one having a say about who you choose as a life partner. You SO can give your parents a heads up he plans to propose if he chooses but he shouldn’t ask permission. What if your parents say no, she’s not ready for marriage, wait a few years, then what?

Post # 37
Member
9098 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

We never discussed it. We never discussed marriage at all before he proposed — But if I had discussed it, I’d be clear I didn’t want him to ask my parents. I am not my parent’s property, I am not theirs to be “given away”, I am not cattle. The only person he’d be asking for permission is me. I had my dad “give me away” at our wedding, but we were already married by that time. It was more so my father and I could share an intimate moment, a moment I’ll never do again. It had nothing to do with being “given away”, but more sharing a few moments with my dad before I met my husband at the end of the aisle.

Post # 38
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

SoonToBeAFK:  I always wanted my Fiance to ask my dad before proposing. Yes, my dad is very old fashioned but it was more for me!. I want their blessing and knowing that hes proposing only makes me happier to know he is being accepted into my huge and crazy family with open arms. With that being said, I in no way think that someone who got engaged without asking their parents first is “rude” or “weird” by any means. 

Post # 39
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

SoonToBeAFK:  Get engaged, but dont tell the parents and have him ask. This way you guys have your engagement and they have their wishes respected. From this point you guys decide your future life and it might just well be the last time when you have to ask ‘permission’ anyway. Look at it rather as ‘blessing and goodwill’. What is the point of starting your life together with a rift? Just a way to save bad feelings.

Post # 40
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I definitely didn’t want my SO to ask my dad for permission. It felt like a really unnecessary and outdated tradition. We made the decision to get married as a couple and then shared that information with our parents. We’re pretty untraditional to begin with and this was just one more thing I didn’t feel the need to do. I don’t think my dad had that expectation that he would be asked either. My sister’s husband asked permission and it felt really bizare to me. As though the men had already decided for her.

That being said, do what feels best for you. It sounds like you don’t really want to have him ask your parents permission, but that you’re considering doing it avoid conflict. The reality is that you’re an adult who is deciding to get married, so they should respect your decision either way. If you continue to let them dictate your life then of course they’ll keep treating you like a child. This may not be the battle to go to war on, but again as an adult that’s your decision. Good luck!    

Post # 41
Member
554 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

No, I told him not to.  I am an adult and can make my own decisions.  I don’t need my parents’ input to my adult, life-changing decisions. If I’m matire enough to have a relationship to the point we are discussing marriage, I don’t see why parents need to be involved in that decision.  

Post # 42
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

SoonToBeAFK:  

I don’t think it is horrible not to ask your parents. I do not like that tradition because it suggests that a woman needs to be handed off to a man and that is sexist. 

My parents are just like yours; old fashioned and overly opinionated. They would not acknowledge our engagement until my husband asked my father for my hand. I deeply resented that intrusion. My husband did score major points with my father.  Luckily, my parents calmed down when we eloped to get away from my mother. They realize that if they try to control our marriage, they will be excluded and they do not want that. Now they play by our rules. 

It seems like your parents would not be pleased if your boyfriend did not ask for permission. They would likely find it disrespectful. This may be a good time to assert your independence by living life the way you want.

 

Post # 43
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

SexyCatLady:  

+100 What independent woman would allow herself to be handed off like a possession? 

This isn’t 1651. 

Post # 44
Member
2837 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

SoonToBeAFK:  When another guy wanted to marry me (not my husband) and asked my dad, my dad said “that’s not something you ask me- you ask her if she wants to marry you.”  This guy asked my dad without me knowing it-

So when the time came, I told my husband not to ask him!

 

Post # 45
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

SoonToBeAFK:  No, I am absolutely not in favor of it.  If you are old enough to marry, you shouldn’t need permission. I know some people think it shows respect to the parents but I think it is “infantilizing”

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