Post # 1
Some of you may know… my FI is currently in a “no contact” situation with his parents and younger sister and rarely talks to his brother. His dad is an abusive narcissist, his mom an enabler, and his younger sister is a narcissist as well. His dad and sister are the biggest problems and he and his older sister were tired of the crap and cut them off… and unfortunately they had to cut off his mom too because she is more or less “brainwashed”. His older brother condemned him and his older sister for cutting off contact saying that they “shouldn’t do that”. One of his aunts and one of his uncles also said he “shouldn’t” do that and should “accept” them as they are (well, he does accept them and that’s exactly why he no longer talks to them… because they won’t change – DUH.)
It hasn’t been quite a year yet so we’re still struggling with decisions. I posted in another thread about inviting them to our wedding in ~2 years.
We aren’t officially engaged. We picked out the ring and he has it… he just wants to wait to give it to me so that its a surprise.
The no contact thing is hard when there is a lot of guilt in the situation because some people try to make him feel guilty for his decision. Others support his decision. We just don’t want to completely exclude them from important events because that’s what they have always done. They exclude people to “get back at them”. If we do exclude its for our own protection… but its hard to make others understand that.
We both wonder if he should bother telling his parents about the engagement. He probably wouldn’t call… but would it be okay to write them and tell them? Or is that too much?
I just wish I knew what was the best thing to do so as to not upset people. But I know with most people, when it comes to weddings, (but especially them) that you can’t make everyone happy. That’s just hard for me though.
I guess this is more of a vent than a real question. I just wish things weren’t so complicated, but I am really happy with my boyfriend’s decision. Nothing else would have worked.. life is confusing sometimes.
I just don’t want people saying bad things about us.
Post # 3
Awww sweetie, im sorry you’re going through.
TBH i dont really know what’s the best, since that kind of people can be so unpredictable.
What if you dont send them the letter and they end up knowing and coming to your wedding uninvited and making a huge mess?
You and your FI are the ones who know them better.
If you DO send the letter/email, check it a LOT so they wont come up with crazy ideas that get them feeling offended or something.
Post # 4
I think you need to let your soon to be FI decide this one. Just sit back and support him for any decision he makes regarding his family.
Post # 5
@YogaFaerie: I just don’t want people saying bad things about us.
The hell with other people. Really. He made a choice. Granted it was a controversial choice and of course there is some backlash for it. You both have to keep your heads held high and take personal satisfaction in knowing he’s done the right thing.
As far as whether or not to tell them… I don’t know. That’s really his call. If he chooses to do it, he can’t have any expectations. It’s unlikely that this impending wedding is going to change their behaviors. I would tell him to do what he thinks is best, but to not set himself up for disappointment. If they are crappy to him about the FANTASTIC news, then he’s got to shrug it off and move on knowing he tried. Again, personal satisfaction… this is not for the satisfaction of others.
Best of luck to you both.
Post # 6
This is hard, but it has to be up to your FI to decide what to do. I also have a no-contact experience with my dad (parents are divorced). I think that the thing to ask is “knowing the parties involved, can anything good come from breaking the no-contact rule”? For me, the answer was no. If I told my dad about my wedding, he would have acted all insulted like I only told him so that I could ask him to pay. I didn’t want his money and I didn’t want to deal with his drama either. Unfortunately, I knew he’s just not capable of a positive response, which is why there’s no contact in the first place.
Post # 7
Even though you aren’t talking to them, life is really short and you don’t want to have any regrets later on. I don’t know the gritty details about the situation beyond what you have said, but there have been people in my family stop talking to eachother and then someone died and they were really upset that they missed time. Sorry to be morbid! Then again, I know there are situations in which not talking IS the best option. I didn’t invite my abusive ex-stepdad to my wedding and his daughter didn’t invite him to hers either.. he’s a horrible human being in general.
Whatever you choose, it is noone’s place to make you feel guilty!
Post # 8
It should be your fiance’s call whether or not to include his family in big moments. If it were me, I would let them know. The family you have should be precious and this is an unfortunate situation for everyone involved.
Post # 9
Thanks for the advice!! Its hard sometimes to just let my FI do things on his own.. a lot of times we both feel like its our job to back the other up and help each other out – which it is! Just with certain situations I want to be involved but sometimes have to face the reality that I just can’t be involved… its not really my place or my responsibility. Trying to take responsibility for something that I have zero control over has been a lot of my stress, I think!
My FI has said that he “probably” won’t tell them. Its a lot to think about though since they will find out.. (my psycho FSIL is still my Facebook friend as is my FBIL… yikes…)
@JemmaWRX: Yes… to hell with other people and their opinions.. I keep trying to remember that! Man, its hard! Maybe if I just keep saying it every day it’ll sink in.. haha.
@Ms. Kitty: Glad to hear there is someone else with no contact experience. For us, I think its kind of neutral. His dad will be pissed that my FI didn’t ask permission (yeah, bizarre… he got mad when my FBIL didn’t “ask permission” to propose to his now wife..) I guess its time to really weigh the pro’s and con’s.
@star_dust: I wish that his family could be “precious” to us… or rather maybe that we could be precious to them. =/ It sucks.
@dreamocracy: That’s a big one too… I don’t want regrets. We wouldn’t regret it if my FSIL and FFIL couldn’t make it but I don’t know if I could feel truly happy if my FMIL was there. Its complicated though because there’s no guarantee she’ll even come, especially if her “DH” isn’t invited… she’s very brainwashed and he rubs his vindictiveness on her (as does her daughter – perhaps moreso).
Thank you all for your responses and support. Its MUCH appreciated. Sometimes its hard to find support like this IRL.