Post # 1
I want to get some opinions in case I am out of line or over reacting.
My uncle (dad’s brother) passed away unexpectedly this week and the showing is tomorrow.
I was not close with my dad’s side of the family, but do maintain some contact with my cousins on social media. However, we did not invite my dad’s side of the family to our wedding and my husband never met my uncle who passed away.
I am mainly going to the showing to support my dad. My mom and sister are going as well (my parents are divorced).
My hudband works third shift and will get off at 6am tomorrow morning. I am planning arrive to the showing at 1:30. I asked him today if he was coming with me to the showing and his response was “I’ll probably be sleeping”. His main concern is getting to his mom’s super bowl party “on time”.
Is it wrong of me to be a little upset about this? I know third shift is rough, but he said he may go to church at 10am tomorrow anyway and will want to get to his mom’s for the party pretty early I’m sure. Part of me feels like I’m asking for too much, but it would have been nice if he had asked if I wanted him to go.
Post # 2
Obviously, you are allowed to be upset. They are your feelings after all.
I have had 2 aunts and an uncle pass in the past 2 years and my SO hasn’t attended the funerals/memorials. Difference is that I had no expectations of him coming.
Post # 3
- Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek
Under these circumstances I wouldn’t have expected or asked D H to go. Sounds like the only reason your going is to support your dad, understandable, but you don’t seem to need any support so I’m not sure why you feel your husband should attend. If its between me getting some rest after a third shift, going to a once a year Super Bowl party or attending a funeral of someone I never even met then that last option would not be one of my choices.
Post # 4
They’ve never met, you weren’t even close to him… so our husband probably feels like a complete stranger there and doesnt feel the need to be there. While you may feel you need to be there to show support to you dad, your husband probably doesnt feel that way. Now, if *you* needed his support in being there, it would be different imo, but like you said, you weren’t close anyway.
Post # 5
I guess part of the issue is that I would go if things were reversed.
His great grandma passed a few months ago and even though he hasn’t seen her since he was a young child and his mom cut ties with that part of the family, I just assumed that if they went to the funeral I would be going too.
There’s also an expection that I attend everything with his family. For example, if I missed his mom’s super bowl party tomorrow there would be a huge issue and everyone would talk bad about me. So I kind of just assumed he was coming and was surprised when he said he wasn’t planning on it.
Post # 6
emsie : ok so this is bigger than the funeral and more of a boundary issue with his family.
You need to have a conversation with your husband about expectations surrounding these situations and also that you will occasionally miss events with his family and you expect him to stand up for you.
Post # 7
If I say to my Fiancé “I would like you to be there,” he knows that I mean business. I don’t expect him to read my mind and I’m typically pretty breezy about things, so I just make sure to communicate my needs loud and clear.
Post # 8
sharpshooter : my Mother-In-Law completely lost it on Christmas Eve because my Brother-In-Law decided to spend the evening with his new girlfriend’s parents and planned to spend all day Christmas with his mom. She threatened to take back all of their Christmas gifts if they weren’t at her house by 8am on Christmas (BIL is 27 and Darling Husband is 28).
When I told my husband I feel his mom’s expectations about holidays are a bit much, he said she spends so much money on our presents that she can get whatever she wants.
I don’t know how to fix it if he doesn’t see an issue.
Post # 9
Okay, your second post is a separate issue, IMO, and it needs to be addressed outside of things like this coming up. Sometime when nothing or very little is going on, you need to bring it up and discuss how you feel things are one sided or unfair. If that’s the issue, then address it and don’t make it about this funeral because it actually has nothing to do with it.
Post # 10
echomomm : you’re right. I feel like everything is bottled up and I need to address the real issue. I just don’t know how to go about it without him getting defensive.
Post # 11
With the way you wrote out the OP, I was expecting you to say that he was planning to come even though you don’t want him to.
It does sound like you’re not being totally open with him –
I asked him today if he was coming with me to the showing and his response was “I’ll probably be sleeping”.
It may have worked better if you told him you really wanted him to go with you instead of just asking him if he were coming.
And yes, the issue with his Mom sounds like something you two need to work out.
Post # 12
Unless there was a good reason not to attend (like he was working) yes I would.probably expect him to go to support me to support my parents.
Post # 13
I think funeral is for (supporting) the living, not the dead. So if you think him being there will help and support your father, then I would be inclined for him to go.
We went to one of relative’s father funeral whom we haven’t met before, but the relative was really feel helped and supported we were there.
Post # 14
I don’t think you are wrong to be upset. It is pretty callous that he cares more about not missing a minute of a Super Bowl party than supporting his wife. Personally I think it’s expected for a spouse to support their partner at a funeral even if they didn’t know the person except if there is some extreme reason as to why they can’t.
Post # 15
I wouldn’t expect Dh to attend the funeral of someone he didn’t know unless I needed him to be there to support me personally. A funeral isn’t a thing I like to drag people to if there’s no “need” for them to be there.
If you’d like him to go, tell him that. And as PPs have said above, you also need to address the boundary issues with his mother. Her spending a bunch on gifts is not license for her to bully people.