Should husband attend funeral?

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you be upset in this situation?
    Yes : (19 votes)
    44 %
    No : (24 votes)
    56 %
  • Post # 2
    2467 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Obviously, you are allowed to be upset.  They are your feelings after all.

    I have had 2 aunts and an uncle pass in the past 2 years and my SO hasn’t attended the funerals/memorials.   Difference is that I had no expectations of him coming.

    Post # 3
    265 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek

    Under these circumstances I wouldn’t have expected or asked D H to go. Sounds like the only reason your going is to support your dad, understandable, but you don’t seem to need any support so I’m not sure why you feel your husband should attend. If its between me getting some rest after a third shift, going to a once a year Super Bowl party or attending a funeral of someone I never even met then that last option would not be one of my choices.

    Post # 4
    14899 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    They’ve never met, you weren’t even close to him… so our husband probably feels like a complete stranger there and doesnt feel the need to be there.  While you may feel you need to be there to show support to you dad, your husband probably doesnt feel that way.  Now, if *you* needed his support in being there, it would be different imo, but like you said, you weren’t close anyway.   

    Post # 6
    2467 posts
    Buzzing bee

    emsie :  ok so this is bigger than the funeral and more of a boundary issue with his family.

    You need to have a conversation with your husband about expectations surrounding these situations and also that you will occasionally miss events with his family and you expect him to stand up for you.

    Post # 7
    2467 posts
    Buzzing bee

    If I say to my Fiancé “I would like you to be there,” he knows that I mean business.  I don’t expect him to read my mind and I’m typically pretty breezy about things, so I just make sure to communicate my needs loud and clear.

    Post # 9
    6316 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    Okay, your second post is a separate issue, IMO, and it needs to be addressed outside of things like this coming up. Sometime when nothing or very little is going on, you need to bring it up and discuss how you feel things are one sided or unfair. If that’s the issue, then address it and don’t make it about this funeral because it actually has nothing to do with it.

    Post # 11
    10651 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    With the way you wrote out the OP, I was expecting you to say that he was planning to come even though you don’t want him to.

    It does sound like you’re not being totally open with him –

       I asked him today if he was coming with me to the showing and his response was “I’ll probably be sleeping”.

    It may have worked better if you told him you really wanted him to go with you instead of just asking him if he were coming.

    And yes, the issue with his Mom sounds like something you two need to work out.

    Post # 12
    4681 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    Unless there was a good reason not to attend (like he was working) yes I would.probably expect him to go to support me to support my parents. 

    Post # 13
    734 posts
    Busy bee

    I think funeral is for (supporting) the living, not the dead. So if you think him being there will help and support your father, then I would be inclined for him to go.

    We went to one of relative’s father funeral whom we haven’t met before, but the relative was really feel helped and supported we were there.

    Post # 14
    5186 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    I don’t think you are wrong to be upset. It is pretty callous that he cares more about not missing a minute of a Super Bowl party than supporting his wife. Personally I think it’s expected for a spouse to support their partner at a funeral even if they didn’t know the person except if there is some extreme reason as to why they can’t. 

    Post # 15
    3362 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

    I wouldn’t expect Dh to attend the funeral of someone he didn’t know unless I needed him to be there to support me personally. A funeral isn’t a thing I like to drag people to if there’s no “need” for them to be there. 

    If you’d like him to go, tell him that. And as PPs have said above, you also need to address the boundary issues with his mother. Her spending a bunch on gifts is not license for her to bully people. 

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