Post # 16
I don’t think your husband should be obligated to go to your uncle’s funeral.
I DO think you should start exploring not attending his family’s events if/when you do not want to. His mother is not the queen. She doesn’t get to command audiences from her family. And if people are only coming to her gatherings because she threatens or bullies them, that’s really problematic.
Post # 17
Sounds like this is more than just about the funeral. I would tell him you want him there and, assuming he’s a reasonable person, he will make the effort to attend with you. If he doesn’t, i would make plans to have a serious conversation about boundaries and expectations (which sounds overdue anyway).
Post # 18
H and I have shown up for each other’s family when it was a lot less convenient and more of a conflict, so yes, the attitude that he wouldn’t skip the need to do something fun for a family funeral would bother me. If it’s important to you that he be there, that’s all that counts.
Your in law issue would be unacceptable.