(Closed) Should I allow my father to attend the wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
376 posts
Helper bee

crap. the minute i saw the headline of the post i started crying. i am 20 days away from my wedding and know exactly how you feel. my story is pretty much the same, except i was not spared from the abuse, i got more of it than anyone. so that may make it a bit easier for me but its still been a struggle.

i too do not have anger, instead pity. he is a sad sad man that never amounted to anything because he was his own worst enemy.

a few months back (before invites and such) my youngest sister had gotten a call that he was sick and things were not good. that the years of not caring for himself had gotten the best of him and this could be the time to say goodbye. i was ok not to say goodbye. i had let him go along time ago. but my mother feared i would regret it. so i went. in the hospital he expressed wanted to start over if time allowed (he was NOT as sick as his girlfriend had lead us to believe) i told him the ball was in his court and if he was no longer drinking and had dealt with the things inside of him that  made him who he was we could do that. (similar to your grandparents anniversary)

well once he was home the drinking and anger began again, when he realized that my mothers partner (she has chosen not to remarry but has a wonderful man in her life) was helping financially, putting in work, and had been asked to do the father of the bride things he went wild. horrible nasty drunk voicemails, the words and hurt of the past began.

i have decided not to allow him to be there. i cant trust him not to ruin this for me and my fiance. my fiance, mothers boyfriend, uncles are the men in my life who deserve to be there. i did invite my fathers sisters whom i hadnt seen in a long time because i know they have been hurt by him too and should not be punished for his actions anymore. so some good came from it.

i wont lie to you hun, through this process you will miss him–well miss not having him. you will worry people will judge you for him not being there (if you pick that) you will worry people think you are a hurt girl with daddy issues. you will wish for a life you didnt have. its going to be hard, but DO NOT beat yourself up. you dad made his choices, and in fact any hurt he feels that day cant even touch the hurt you felt for a lifetime.

make your decision for you and you only. not your mom, brothers, dad, or for what people will think of you. if its hard or weird to have him there…nothing says that he needs to be. if you want him there as a guest only, not father of the bride then you can (i do suggest telling him clearly that he is a guest only so lines arent crossed)

if you ever ever ever need someone to talk to about this PM me. 🙂   I wrote this publically hoping other girls wont be shy to tell you their stories but if you would like to talk more i would love you.

hppy wedding bride!  

Post # 4
376 posts
Helper bee

one last thing!! if you dont think he has changed and will cause a scene, he probably will. and if he is still drinking then its sure that he will. on that day you are to worry about tripping over your train, how much your feet hurt from dancing, how much your face hurts from smiling, if the hubs will smash cake in your face, if you did the ugly cry during  the ceremony. you are NOT to be lookiing over your shoulder worrying if he is going to ruin yet another event.

i wont let you!!! 🙂

Post # 5
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

To make it short and sweet, I’d invite him but not accept any help or have him participate in any way. Keep him away from your family members that are still hurting. Maybe ask someone to police him if possible. If that’s not possible, then dont invite him and cut off all wedding talk from him. 

Post # 6
2 posts
  • Wedding: August 2013

When I started reading this I was about in tears… Our stories are very similar, even in the timeline of when your parents got divorced and how long its been since you’ve seen your dad.

I personally am not inviting my father. He is still an alcoholic, delusional, and more than anything I am afraid he would make a scene and do nothing but make my sweet grandma a nervous wreck for the entire day.

Its been 20 years since my parents split up and in 20 years he has never reached out to me for anything except when he needed someone to belittle and hurt. He has never once said he was sorry for any of the things he has done and honestly, he doesn’t deserve to be there for one of the happiest days of my life. He hasn’t wanted to be there for any of the rest, so why let him be here now.

Truly though, you need to do whatever is going to be best for you.. not for anyone else (your mother included). If you think you’ll look back with regret for not having him there, then invite him. If you think you’ll worry too much the whole time he is there, than don’t.

There are more of us out there than you think, just know that we have all been there or are going through the same thing with you…

Post # 7
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Reading this, I don’t trust him.

“If you have to ask me that, then I don’t know what to say to you,”

He has already said he wants me by his side when he’s on his deathbed, because he has no one else… All of my aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc are on his side.

Sounds like he has a lot of people.

How would you feel if he broke off all communication with you, if you didn’t invite him? I do get the impression he’s trying to manipulate you- He basically de-valiated all of my feelings and at times, told me I was flat out wrong for feeling the way.

Would his presence at the wedding be positive for you? If not, there’s your answer.


Post # 8
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’d invite him (provided he won’t stir up a scene) but not allow him to walk me down the aisle. I’d reserve that for your brother TBH.

Life is full of regrets. One of the telling signs of change if the person owns up to it. Your dad hasn’t.

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