Post # 1
I swear I never anticipated my wedding to have so much drama, but it seems to be turning out that way. My people pleasing ways are definitely to blame for part of it, but I also never expected my family to just totally lose their shit over one silly day! Basically, I’m wondering how to handle a delicate situation tha thas recently become even more delicate:
My sister has been dating this man for a little over a year— I can’t stand him. He is elitist, condescending, moody and just immature. He has told my sister he has no intention of committing to her and often makes her feel insecure about her appearance and intelligence. He’s cheated on her twice that I know of and has a lot of very questionable and inappropriate behavior. He makes no effort to get to know our family and constantly says derrogatory things about how we were raised, my sister’s beliefs, and what he thinks is “brainwashing” my sister to believe monogamy and family are important. My sister says that the relationship is temporary and she’ll leave him eventually, since she’s planning to move out of state soon. However. She wants him to come to the wedding. She has asked me dozens of times if he can come because she doesn’t want to be alone, wants someone to dance with, etc. At first, when we were planning a family-only wedding, I said absolutely not. She was persistent, and, when we decided to invite more extended family and friends, she really pushed her case and I caved. I said he could attend the reception with her, since she has a role in the wedding she wouldn’t be able to sit with him in the service anyway and, since he is so completely opposed to marriage, I really didn’t want his negativity there. She agreed somewhat halfheartedly.
Well, two weeks ago she revealed to my VERY conservative parents that she has been living with him for the past three months, and has no intentions of moving out. This was truly devastating for them. They are barely speaking to her and have forbidden him from coming to their home (not that he came very often or even seemed to care). Now they’re telling me I need to rescind my invitation because they will be furious if he is at my reception.
I have no idea how to handle this. I don’t want him there, I don’t like him, but I already invited him. I’m sort of tempted to do nothing and see if he even shows, but I also don’t want to risk my parents feeling betrayed at my reception.
Ideas? Advise? Bleh.
Post # 2
Wow. This is really sticky! I would probably just invite my sister and guest so you are not inviting him directly. And maybe try to explain to your parents that this is your sister’s decision to make, not yours.
Post # 3
I’m sorry, this situation sucks and I totally understand. I went back and forth myself, but in the end I let my sister’s boyfriend come. It just wasn’t worth the stress and it made her happy so that was enough for me. I knew he would be a buzzkill (and he was) but that was on her, you know what I mean? If I didn’t let him come then I would’ve been the bad guy. My parents are not fans of him either, but we’ve all kind of put our feelings aside for her.. hopefully one day she realizes he’s not worth her time anymore.
Post # 4
Yes you need to be the bigger person and invite him.
Post # 5
mrsperu: I would talk to your sister and tell her that while you aren’t going to tell her that he can’t come, you would really appreciate if she would reconsider given the family strife that would come along with it. And while I wouldn’t normally say this, if she’s not receptive to the idea maybe offer to let her bring another friend instead so she can’t argue about being alone.
Also – you might also point out that given his feelings about your family and monogamy, it’s not exactly like this event is going to be his cup of tea. And if he’s not having a good time, she’s not going to have a good time either.
Post # 6
Ehhh, I mean, I know what all of the other bees are going to say, but I really don’t give a shit if it’s rude–I say don’t invite him. Your wedding should be about you and the people who support your marriage. I won’t have anyone at my wedding that I don’t want there.
Post # 7
mrsperu: I just think the whole situation would be made worse by his presence at your wedding. I agree with goblueca. But I just think you should say “I just can’t invite him. You’re welcome to bring a friend, but it’s not just me who’s affected by his presence.”
Post # 8
Your sister should choose her own date to bring to your wedding.
Post # 9
I do think you need to invite him, unfortunately. He says he wont commit yet they are living together. What if next thing you know, they are engaged? You never know what might happen. I say give her a “guest” and let her decide.
Post # 10
Given his beliefs on family and monogomy, maybe he won’t even come. Clearly, he doesn’t care about your sister’s feelings so even her saying “babe, I really want you to come so I have someone to dance with etc” may not sway him either.
I totally get it. I HATE my sister’s “ex boyfriend”. I put that in quotes for two reasons: “ex” they aren’t together anymore but have recently started talking/hanging out. And “boyfriend” because they were together for 4 years and he never once called her his girlfriend or treated her like one in the slightest. My whole family and my Fiance hate him and I’m terrified she’s going to want to bring him to our wedding and I just don’t want him there! Ugh, I feel for you. I would do what goblueca said
Post # 11
Will your sisters head be buried in her phone all niight texting him or pouting? then invite him…be the bigger person..
Post # 12
i’d level with her
‘sis, you a) said this is a temp relationship – and since it’s a temp relationship and you said you want someone to dance with etc, i’m inviting you to bring any other friend you like b) he causes huge family issues and although you might want to work them out later, my wedding isn’t the place for that. i’m asking you as your sister, to accept that him coming to my wedding isn’t worth the stress, hassle and family fights it will cause. can you please bring another date/friend?’
then point out that he
– hates marriage/monogamy and thinks people who want that are ‘brainwashed’ which is offensive and rude to you
– his presence will tarnish the event for your parents (rightly or wrongly) which is making you very sad because they are your parents and deserve to enjoy the day
– that this is causing you real stress and unhappiness and that you are hoping that she can understand all these issues and simply choose another date
Post # 13
I guess that I don’t see this as a matter of you not inviting him because you don’t want him there. If I were in your shoes, it would be a bigger deal that your parents don’t want him there. As much as this is your wedding, its a big day for your parents, too. I would say that if your parents don’t want him there, it would be a bigger deal to me that my parents are happy than that my sister is happy. I would say to kindly tell her that, out of respect for your parents, you would prefer if she brings someone else to the wedding.
Post # 15
- Wedding: March 2016 - Skirball Cultural Center
I would talk to my family about it, if they oppose it then I wouldn’t invite and say that the family isn’t okay with it, so you’re not the only bad guy. If he comes and your family becomes negative, it will affect your day. However, if they don’t care, then invite him. You probably won’t notice him (too busy having a fun time with your other guests and husband;)). he will most likely affect your sister and that is on her.