(Closed) Should I ask her to step down?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Be prepared that if you ask her to bow out, your friendship may be completely over with. But her actions are pretty bad and very selfish, also. It is your day, and I’m sorry, but the attention should be on you to an extent. Being rude to your mother is NOT appropriate, and maybe you should bring this up. I had a similiar situation when my mother had some friends over for a girls weekend. They live on the lake so it was a great time! Well, my mother has a friend who has an alternative lifestyle. She brought her girlfriend and it was no big deal to any of us! I even warned my very conservative friend, thinking she’d know and would be on good behavior. Well, she was so rude and ignored all my mom’s friends, acting like she was too good to talk to any of them. In the middle of being at the lake, she got up and decided to go hang out in the house, calling her boyfriend and whatnot. She also made a lot of inappropriate comments during the weekend that put my mom off completely. Anyways, my mom was so mad she told me this friend is NEVER allowed at the house anymore and now I have to dodge questions like "so when do i get to come over again?" etc. Rude friends really make me angry and to this day I wish I would have said something about it right then and there. So if i were you, I wouldn’t just completely bite your tongue, but say that her actions made you feel like she is too apathetic about it. ASk her right then and there, "do you want to be in this wedding or not? because you act like not". Maybe being polite isn’t working and you need a more straight forward approach. She doesn’t sound like she is being a very good friend to me. Good luck =(. Some peopel can’t get over the fact the spotlight is not on them unfortunately.

Post # 4
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think that you should firmly but kindly tell her she’s relieved of her duties.  I would ask her to let you competely explain first.  Then tell her about how disappointed you were she’s been acting the way that she has and tell her that her behavior at the shower is inexcusable.  Given the nature of what you’re saying here — it sounds like this girl is a little immature, and she might fly off the handle and try to start a screaming match or something ridiculous.  Just try to stay calm and don’t let her pull you into any sort of epic battle. 

I think that weddings are probably one of the most special times of a couple’s life togehter.  It’s imperative that we brides surround ourselves with positive, inspirational, helpful (and at the very least) POLITE people as we go through this proces.  I think that held high hopes that your friend would offer you any of these courtesies and she isn’t, so it’s completely warranted to maturely let her know you and your FH no longer want her to be part of your big day.

Good luck!!

Post # 5
Member
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I would definitely ask her to step down if you do not feel 100% confident in having her be by your side on your wedding day.  You are dealing with a enough stress on the days leading up to your wedding that you do not require additional stress from a bm. 

I would just explain to her how you feel and why you do not feel like she has met your expectactions as bm.  She should get the hint that she has been very immature.

Good Luck!

Post # 6
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Your wedding day belongs to you and your fiance.  It is meant to be a memorable day surrounded by the people who love you and care for you the most.  It sounds to me like your "friend" doesn’t fit into this category and may even be a cause of stress on the days leading up to the wedding and the actual wedding day.  That’s just something you don’t need to deal with.  I agree with what ejs4y8 said though, you have to be prepared for your friendship to be over if such a drastic measure is taken to take her out of the wedding.  If you are okay with this, then ask her to step down.

Post # 7
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Oh, that’s makes me angry for you. I’d definitely tell her not only she is relieved of her duties, but why you’re doing so. I doubt anyone has stepped up to her to inform her of her shortcomings…sadly, sometimes it takes a dramatic situation like this to bring people back down to earth. Who knows? Maybe she’ll have a change of heart. I’d like to believe the best of people, but in the end, this is your one wedding, and if you feel like she would put a damper on it for you, she’s out. You’re already going to be stressed- you need people around you to support you, not someone who would in all likelihood ask you to leave your own wedding to celebrate one of her successes! Best of luck to you!!

Post # 8
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

My initial thought is that there is something more going on with this bridesmaid. Is something up in her life? Maybe something bad- she might not want to tell you, but isn’t sure what else to say. Does she not like your FI? Is she insanely jealous that you are getting married, and instead of making an issue out of it, she’s trying to avoid anything to do wiht the wedding?

I think that if she was a good enough friend to ask to be a bridesmaid, then she is a good enough friend to have a heart-to-heart with. Here’s the thing– as special as our weddings are to us, they are technically only ONE DAY. We only get a day. We don’t get the entire month, or the entire year when we are planning. We can’t expect our friends to be as excited as we are about everything. Yes, she should have been better about getting the dress. Yes, she was INSANELY rude at the shower. (Ummm how does an A on a test compare to a once-in-a-lifetime wedding shower!!!) But technically, you asked her to stand next to you on your special day– maybe she didn’t understand the support prior to the wedding that goes along with that.

 I think that asking her to step down from being a bridesmaid has the potential to TRULY ruin a friendship. Although you have very valid concerns, she might hear "I don’t want you to be a bridesmaid anymore, I don’t like you as a person, I don’t want you as a friend." I’m not saying that is what you are feeling/saying. I just think that, on the other end of this arrangement, that is what she might hear and feel. So unless you dislike her so much that you don’t want to be friends with her ever again, then I wouldn’t ask her to step down. Instead, I’d talk to her. Tell her what you are feeling. Tell her why you are sad. Don’t say "YOU did this, and YOU didn’t do this." Instead, say "I feel sad when you did this…. I felt like you didn’t care when you said this…." If you explain to her how YOU are feeling, it is much less accusing than telling HER what she is doing wrong.

And whatever is going on in OUR lives is usually what is most important to US. That’s how life goes. So from her perspective, she might have studied her butt off and totally killed that test, so maybe she was super excited about it. Again, it was wrong to ask you to leave your own shower, but perhaps she was so focused on her life that she didn’t realize it. And maybe you were so focused on your life and weddings shower that you didn’t realize the importance of her little milestone.  

In five years from now, you won’t necessarily remember all of the little details that she was or was not a part of. Yes, its hurtful right now. But sometimes other people have bigger things going on in their lives, or act a certain way because they aren’t sure how to express their true feelings. 

Post # 9
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I had a lot of the same problems with my Maid/Matron of Honor at the beginning of our wedding planning – wouldn’t come try on dresses, took forever to order hers after we picked one out, stand-offish at the engagement party, etc. I tried to get her to talk to me – thinking maybe there was a deeper reason behind it. I didn’t get anywhere. I finally had to vent to one of my BMs about it and we decided it was just jealousy. I did eventually end up having a very ugly argument with my Maid/Matron of Honor about these things (and other behaviors), and seriously considering asking her to leave the wedding party.

In the end, as other people have said, the choice you have is to put up with her silliness and bad behavior for a few more months. As BeachBride says, when you think about your wedding in the future, you won’t think about her odd comments at your shower. The other option is to ask her to step down, but know that you risk losing a friend. It is hard to hear (or think you are hearing) "you’re nice and all, but don’t be in my wedding party anymore". In my case, I decided it was easier for me to let my issues with my Maid/Matron of Honor go. That, I think, is what you have to think about.

Post # 10
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

From your post it sounds like the friendship is already drawing to a close. You two seem like you’ve grown apart (you’ve matured while she…hasn’t) and it doesn’t seem like you can really relate to each other anymore.

Though it will be awkward and stressful to ask her to step down, it’s probably nothing compared to the stress you’ll feel if you don’t. The agony of trying to plan a wedding when she’s being completely uncooperative might become overwhelming. And if she’s used to making every situation about her, I can’t imagine how she’ll behave on your wedding day when everyone’s attention is focused on YOU.

If you do decide to let her go, I would definitely make it clear why you’ve come to this decision. And be sure to stick to your guns if she doesn’t react well. Best of luck to you!

Post # 11
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I was in a similar situation and should have let her go long before it came to a head.  We were very close but then drifted apart, eventually it came to the point that it turned into an awkward text (YES text) argument and now I have no Maid of Honor; who had been my friend since Jr high.  I think if I had told her I didn’t want her in the wedding party anymore instead of dragging it along as long as I did….hoping for the best…I would have saved money, time, and emotional trauma. But I agree with the other posters, if you cut her off be prepared for the end of your friendship.  In my opinion, looking back, I now feel less stressed and am focusing on my wedding; and everything around me is going better because I am not worrying about her and what issues she is causing.  Thankfully, I had another maid of honor to fall back on.  It’s going to be up to you, but if you do cut her off, do it sooner than later. Good Luck!
 

Post # 12
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Is she still in school (Im guessing b/c of the "A" thing)?  This situation sucks…no other word to say.  But it also sounds like she’s just uber-immature.  I know that when I was a still in college Bridesmaid or Best Man in my sister’s wedding there were many things I did not know about being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  It was a good learning experience and I was able to be way more supportive of my friend 2 years later, but I’m sure some of the stuff I did made my sister want to tear her hair out.  Now being rude to your mom is immature in any scenario, but maybe she’s thinking in terms of, "oh it’s lame to do stuff with parents, let’s hit up a bar on our own.".

So I’m thinking it’s way more about immaturity (coupled with maybe feeling financially inadequate) and being in different places in your life.  At the same time I can see why you’re upset, so I don’t really know what to say.  I’m guessing that if you ask her to step down she will be hurt and won’t come at all…and as others have said you will lose her as a friend.  My other thought is that no matter what, I think doing this will be way more drama than just ignoring her and not relying on her for anything.  If you’re info is correct you are just over 2 weeks away from your wedding…I just don’t see how inviting more drama now will actually make you happier. 

Post # 13
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Sit back, try to focus on the good NOT the bad right now.

If she balks at you or is disrespectful again to a relative you can always give her an out and say, "I know school is so much stress right now, if this is too much stress for you, let me know.  No problem."

I see that as the same excuse in breaking up like "It’s not YOU, it’s me"..or something like that..

Just breathe deeply and focus on the good things right now! 

 

Post # 14
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I can definitely relate to your concerns and stress because last week I just had to "uninvite"/"unask" one of my bridesmaids because of her recent behavior.  I was so appalled by her actions and communications lately and she was very rude to a large group of my friends at a gathering and lately her morals have taken a whole different path from mine and from when I first met her several years ago.  Additionally, she was showing zero enthusiasm in being a part of the wedding and showing no joy or support for me, which is fine if she felt this way, but she should have declined my invite to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man if these were her feelings (this is quite an abbreviated version of everything, but it’s the general idea). 

I was stressing big time and my one recently married friend said that you need to be surrounded by people throughout the planning process and on your big day that are there for YOU, who want to support YOU and that YOU feel comfortable with.  If you are already having issues with her in just the planning process, it will likely get worse towards the big day and just create unnecessary stress and discomfort for not only you, but for everyone.  So I thought long and hard and knew I had to let her know I no longer thought it would be a good idea for her to be in my bridal party.  I knew that by telling her this and by providing her very detailed reasons and examples that I would likely lose a "friend" (but was/is she a true friend to me in the first place??)  

If you do let her know you no longer want her in your Bridal Party, be prepared to have that friendship end.  It’s definitely not an easy thing to do, but let me tell you, since last week I feel like huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, I am much happier, I feel so much support, love and enthusiasm from my other BM’s and they too are happy that this problem has been eliminated.  Finally, keep in mind that while she may have other "issues" causing her to act this way (jealousy, immaturity, etc.) those issues and behaviors will still probably be there throughout the whole process and do you really want to deal with that on top of everything else and wonder if she will offend or embarass your friends and family?  It’s alot to think about and I wish you the best in making your decision and I hope everything goes smoothly for you.

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