Post # 1
I’ve mentioned before that I’m 23, my boyfriend is 25 and we’ve been living together for 2 years, together for 4 years. He says he “definitely” wants to marry me and it will “definitely” happen, but he says he wants to have more of a steady income before marriage and he thinks we’re too young at the moment. That’s all fine.
But the time frame he gave me was 3-5 years from now. Which is kind of absurd. I don’t know what to do. I could:
1.) Tell him that I think 5 more years is crazy and try to see if he has any *real* reasons other than the BS financial thing (he does not have a stable salary but since our parents would pay for our wedding I don’t see how it’s even relevent)
2.) Not bring up marriage at all, spend less time with him, become more independent, make him feel like he has to lock me down earlier by being less available.
I feel like mentioning marriage again (we’ve already talked about it) will make me look desperate and less attractive but then again, how the hell is he supposed to know how I feel?
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
You have been on here a lot the past week or two with this same issue. As we havetold you a few times, cool it on the marriage talk. Do a shut it up pact for 1 year and spend that year working on yourself. If at the end of the year he still isn’t ready then break it off and move on.
Post # 4
@beachbride1216: sigh, you’re right. I just don’t understand why he evidently doesn’t think I’m good enough for him.
Post # 5
He’s told you his reasons. Just because you think they’re BS doesn’t mean he does.
Post # 6
Why not negotiate? If 5 years is unacceptable to you, but right now is not OK with him, meet somewhere in the middle?
Post # 7
@anon00: I’d do a mixture. Give the marriage talk a rest for a few weeks at least, and enjoy yourself in that time. You want to find out early enough if there is a different reason than the money thing, because if there is, a whole year of a shut-it-up pact is a whole extra year of wasted commitment and time to him. But you don’t want to be overbearing and mentioning marriage at every turn.
Trust me, your guy already knows how great you are, he’s been with you for 4 years. You being slightly less around him probably isn’t going to spark any magical epiphonies. Women are the ones far more likely to suddenly feel like “Oh man, I’m suddenly missing that closeness, I want this person more in my life right NOW.” So if you want to focus on yourself, you’ll need to be committed to doing that for you, not so he will be like “Oh man, she’s about to get away if I don’t rush this process!” I’m sure that can and does happen, but far less and far less smoothly than women seem to think.
Post # 8
The fact that your parents would pay for wedding does not take away the need to be financially stable before you marry, and if you don’t see eye to eye with your SO on that, that may be part of his reason for taking it slow.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@anon00: If that is what you really believe then why are you still with him? If his answer isn’t sufficient for you, then pack your stuff and move out. It’s difficult but then you can get over the relationship and meet someone else that thinks you are good enough and wants to get married.
In all honesty, most guys I have known have no desire to get married at 25 (they think they are too young, they don’t have a good job, enough money, etc…) but when they hit 28, 29, and 30, they all show up engaged and married. I think they finally realize if they wait for everything to be perfect when they get married, it may never happen.
Post # 10
I disagree w/ people who voted for the 2nd option. That’s playing games. If you’re independent and you want to be more independant because it would make you happier, then do that. If the sole reason is to get him to lock you down, don’t do that. You risk losing him. My friend did that and her SO ended up cheating on her. Not saying it was her fault, but I’m just saying that playing games is never the right way to go.
Just be honest with him. Why isn’t this a decision the two of you can make together? Although, I don’t think 28 is absurd for getting married. I’m 28 and not rushing to plan my wedding, I probably won’t be married until I’m nearly 30. Everyone has their own priorities though and if you don’t want to wait 5 years, the two of you should come to a decision TOGETHER about what the right timeline is for BOTH of you and if you don’t want to wait, then I would suggest leaving him.
Post # 11
Being financially stable is a really good reason to not marry someone right this second. He’s trying to be smart about this. Clearly you guys have different priorities on this, so you need to have a real discussion about it. If he’s not willing to budge, and neither are you, then you know what you need to do.
Post # 12
If he “definately” wants to marry you and your parents would pay for the wedding, there should be no reason for this “stable salary” thing, especially if you are not planning on having kids right away. (Which you did not state, but I am assuming.)
Maybe he doesn’t know that your parents are willing to pay for it? I would talk to him. Explain that if he is not ready for the commitment, you are willing to wait but that if he is really ready you don’t feel comfortable with another five years of a stale relationship.
Post # 13
I think as you are still quite young I would leave it for a bit. You don’t want to put him off by pressuring him. If you were in your late 20s I’d be more inclined to say you should talk to him further, but I think you should give him some space to propose on his own for now.
Post # 14
You can’t force him to be ready go get married. You need to cool the marriage talk.
It doesn’t matter that your parents are willing to pay for the wedding. A stable salary goes a long way toward a stable marriage. Most of the people who divorce fight over money during the marriage.
Post # 15
Take your time and dont focus so much on marriage right now. 23 is a time where you are fresh out of college, should be living alone, enjoying your friends and csreer, and thinking about your next move before marriage. Why concentrate on that? You dont have a ring or proposal and he is willing to wait as far as five years. Youll have to respect that if you want to be with him. Otherwise you are always free to go meet other people. You might hsve a bit of pressure from society to marry at your age. But do understand, not all men want to marry at his sge and not all marriages last at that age. Trust me your time will come whether its with him or someone else. Every woman deserves that feeling for life. Including you. 🙂
Post # 16
I want to sincerely thank everyone who responded, even thouse who seem a bit frustrated with me. As it turns out, the topic came up naturally and we both discussed it in a way that made us both very happy. Now at least I know we are on the same page, and I love him very much.