(Closed) Should I ask my BM to step down?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should I ask my bridesmaid to step down?
    Yes, you need someone who's going to be reliable. : (4 votes)
    14 %
    No, give her another chance. : (16 votes)
    57 %
    Wait and see how she does with other things. : (8 votes)
    29 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    652 posts
    Busy bee

    @lilsistam:  are you close to her? Do you mind if she only shows up at your big day?

    Post # 4
    Hostess
    7561 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    What’s going on with her? Have you made an effort to hang out with her and not discuss the wedding? 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1109 posts
    Bumble bee

    @lilsistam:  you should do what you feel comfortable with. but, you should also remember that some people have terrible time management and this Bridesmaid or Best Man seems to be one of them. If you still want her in the wedding, you should let her know to come to the meetings asap even if she’s late or can’t stay the whole time. As for the rehersal dinner, if she can make it to the actual rehersal than maybe it’ll be okay for her to leave before dinner. If she just doesn’t show up for the rehersal at all and makes a terrible excuse for not letting you know, then perhaps a quick change of plans and asking her to step down wouldn’t be a bad idea . just my opinion.


    edit- thought you said rehersal dinner, i see now you meant the whole rehersal. i think you need to talk to her. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    8695 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I may be in the minority but what do you need a “meeting” for? I dont see a need for a bm to come to anything except the wedding and maybe the rehearsal. My BMs are in 2 different states and work full-time jobs so I try not to burden them. Is there a way you can fill her in on the meeting via phone or text? Or, did you discuss with her prior to her accepting to be a bm what your expectations were?

    I would put my new job before someone’s wedding (even my own!) also. I take no time off of work for wedding stuff. 

    ETA: If you really want your bms around and she cannot be then I would ask her to step down. Just keep in mind that you may lose a friend so tread lightly.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2359 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    I get that it’s frustrating, but it sounds like she does have really good reasons for not being able to be there. Six months is still pretty new at a job, in my opinion, especially depending on what kind of job it is. I’d try to cut her a break. I had to have my BMs try on dresses separately because schedules didn’t permit them to get together all at once. Another of my BMs, also my cousin, is going to have to miss the rehearsal because her work absolutely will not let her go. She had to fight them just to get my wedding day off. I’ll just print up an itinerary and walk her through it later. Nbd. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    9053 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    if you think it’s that big a deal, then I guess you could. 

    It’s really not rocket science being a bridesmaid.  Two of mine couldn’t make the rehearsal, so we just had the boyfriends of the other bridesmaids stand in since they were there anyway.  It was actually fairly hillarious what their dea of being a girl was.  They were flying in from Australia just for the wedding, so I did everything with them remotely, and it was really no big deal. 

    I think you just have to decide if you’re ok with her participating only on the day.

    Post # 11
    Member
    236 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @gelaine22:  +1

    @lilsistam:  I guess some people are really high maintanence for their weddings. I have 4 BMs. Two of which live outside of the state. Therefore, I decided on a color, length and material for the dresses. I am letting them get it on their own time and pick out the style (one of 5 options). Also, if they cannot make it to my bridal shower, it’s not the end of the world.

    What time/how long is your rehearsal? Can she take a half day off? If you are having an all day event, then that is a little much. Also, maybe she doesn’t have very much vacation time or is on a probation for a little while. I don’t blame her for prioritizing her job over your rehearsal. After all, she will need her job after your wedding.

    OP, I would talk to her and see what’s going on. Also, for me, as long as my friends/BMs are there on the day of the wedding, that’s all that matters to me. I would say, cut her some slack, she isn’t your employee, she’s supposed to be your friend.

    Post # 13
    Member
    3141 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I very much emphasize with you and had the same problems with people being unreliable. It’s your day plan it in your own way, please don’t let people discourage you in how u gather your bms for support. I voted step down as its better to address her inability to commit to your day now then it will be the week of your wedding like when we had three key players flake on us and caused extreme stress and issues . Trust your intuition, she is not interested in commiting to your event 

    Post # 14
    Member
    8695 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @lilsistam:  I wouldnt have accepted to be in a wedding where I had to go to meetings and stuff and I dont understand why she did if she did not follow through. I also would not want to drive 45-min for a wedding meeting in my free time. However, if that is what YOU as the bride want I say you should ask her to step down. I noticed nobody on the poll voted you should and I didnt vote yes either but I think you should and soon!

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