Post # 1
All of my sisters are going to be bridesmaids in my wedding. I want to also include my younger brother in some way. I have talked to FI about having him be a groomsman, but FI seemed against the idea. He said he’s not close to him like that and wants to choose his own groomsmen. Fine. I said he could be on my side as a “bridesman” but FI is against that too. He says the idea of having men on the bride’s side is crazy and is completely against it. He claims that he hasn’t had much say in the wedding, but that he feels strongly about this. He asked why my brother can’t just be a regular guest. I also feel strongly about including my brother as he is important to me and I feel he will be excluded if my sisters are in the wedding.
So basically I was wondering if it might be okay to her him be an usher. I wanted to get an outside prespective before bringing up the idea to my brother. I like the idea because I think these are technically part of the wedding party, but wouldn’t need to stand at the alter with us like the BMs & GM. So he would be included without FI getting upset about it. Also, I thought it might make sense since he is younger than the rest of the bridal party who are all eight to eighteen years older than him. (He is nineteen)
On the other side, I’m not sure if this would work. First, I imagined the photographer would take some family pictures before the ceremony. Would these two things conflict? Would he be able to get some photos with my brother before he does these usher duties? Secondly, my brother is doing me a huge favor already. He is a hairdresser and will be doing my hair for the wedding as a gift. He may even do my sister’s hair too. Would asking him to be an usher be giving him too many things to do and expecting too much of him? I want to include him but not be like oh, by the way I want you to work all day on my wedding. I want him to be able to have fun too.
As an usher I guess he would show people where they can put their coats and show them to the room the ceremony is in? Unless the venue has someone do that, I don’t know. I don’t want to give him too much to do if he’s already doing my hair earlier in the day. My fiance said he wasn’t sure we need an usher since we are having a smaller (about 50 guest, 60 people at most) wedding, but is fine with my brother being an usher if I want. If no one from the venue does that I think it would be nice to have someone do it since obviously I won’t be able to.
What do you bees think? Is asking my brother to be an usher a good way to include him (and dress him like the rest of the wedding party for pictures)? Or is it asking way to much of someone who is already helping me out? Please help!
Post # 3
Your FI seems really controlling on this issue and unable to bend. The person in question is your brother for Christ’s sake! He’s over 18, so he’ll be able to fit in fine with the rest of the wedding party.
Honestly, I think that because he’s doing you such a big favor with the hair, you need to put him in a position of honor. He’s helping you and supporting you on your wedding day like any loving sibling, so treat him as such.
Put your foot down and make him a bridesmaid. Your FI says that he wants to be able to choose his groomsmen? That’s completely fair and well within his rights. So choose your own bridesmaids, and put your brother up there where he belongs!
*I am having one female and two male bridesmaids. (Maybe even a third man if we expand our party like we’re talking about). Our photographer is excited and thinks the pictures will turn out great, and I’m excited to include the people I love most, regardless of gender.
Post # 4
I think if your FI picks who he wants to stand up for him, then you should pick who you want to stand up for you. Include your brother as a bridesman…will mean the world to him, and you will look back and be so thankful you included him where he deserves to be…by your side.
Post # 5
i think having him be an usher is fine, but i also think you should ask him to be a bridesman if that’s what you really want. your fiance said he wanted to choose his own groomsmen, so you should be able to choose whoever you want too. it’s only fair.
Post # 6
No one wants to be an usher, people can find their own seats. If you want your brother to be your bridesman than do it, your FI gets to pick who stand with him and you get to pick who stands with you. So if you want your bother to stand up with you and your sisters than ask him.
Post # 7
@BriansBride: While I see everyone’s point of asking him to be bridesman, and I would too, you don’t want to put too much pressure on him to be an usher, but being a brdiesman has its responsibilities too. I would ask HIM if he’d feel comfortable. If you want him a bridesman or usher, ask him if he would like but tell him you will understand if he just wants to do your hair becuase you understand it may be too much for him take on.
Post # 8
I’m having one brother walk my mom down the aisle & the other will walk my grandmother. Plus they will be in pictures.
I get it, my FI didn’t want bridesmen either.
Post # 9
I would rather do a reading than be an usher. It’s a throwaway job. Honestly, I think your FI should include him in his wedding party. It’s crappy that your entire family has a role except for him, besides doing your hair for free.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta
@BriansBride: My brother is my man of honour. He is my best friend and if FH had a problem with it that would have just been tough because there is no way he isn’t in the bridal party. How would he feel if you said “Oh you want so-and-so in your bridal party? Can’t he just be a guest?” An usher is more of a job and he wouldn’t be able to enjoy the whole wedding if he was worried about getting everyone seated. Are you doing any readings? I like the idea of them walking mother/grandmother down the aisle though.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor
@BriansBride: I think weddings are all about family. I was only married a year ago and I’m already starting to lose touch with 2 of my 6 bridesmaids. (Of the other 4, 2 are my best friends from college who I talk to every week, and 2 are my SILs.) I think you should keep pressing your FI to include your brother in your wedding – he’s your living blood relative after all! It doesn’t matter if your FI is that close with him, is he important to you? If you and your brother are close, then including him in your wedding could provide a chance for him and your FI to get closer. I mean, they’re going to be brother-in-laws for the rest of your life, so it’s time for them to start to get to know each other, right? I bet it would mean a whole lot to him to be included as a groomsman. My SILs were super excited to be BMs, just like my little brother was very excited to be a GM (even though he and my DH aren’t best friends or anything like that – they are brothers now though!).
If your FI continues to be stubborn on the issue, you can ask your brother to be a bridesman – if your FI is so insistent that he get to pick his own groomsmen, that means you get to pick your own bridesmaids/bridesmen. Do what your gut tells you to do. But definitely find a way to include your brother, whether it’s as an usher or bridesman. I think you would end up regretting it if you couldn’t include him.
Post # 12
@BriansBride: Being an usher doesn’t seem that fun. Also, if my FI said my brother couldn’t be in my own wedding party, I’d be like sorry but he’s my brother (my brother is actually being one of my FI’s groomsmen, and they’re not especially close – they hang out when we go visit my parents but they never call each other up or anything). The point is he’s going to be part of your FI’s family soon so it’s weird he’s so insistent on him not being in the wedding party.