Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2019 - Home
My brother and I are very close, but I don’t know his girlfriend very well. I know they are planning on getting engaged at some point though and that they have a great relationship. I’d really like to get to know her better but the problem is I think she is incredibly shy or nervous around me? She’s 18, so still very young. I asked my brother if he thought it would be a good idea for me to ask her to be my bridesmaid and he said that absolutely she would be so happy and would love that.
She’s very polite in person but hardly says anything and seems to try to leave the conversations early. If I ever text or message her on Facebook she doesn’t respond at all. I know she’s a homebody and hardly goes out. All this makes it really hard to get to know her. Again my brother and I are very close since we come from a very rough background, us and our other brother are all a huge support system for each other and a big part of each other’s lives. Both my brothers are going to be groomsmen in our wedding and I’d love to include his girlfriend, but I also don’t want to try to involve someone if it doesn’t seem like they’re going to meet me halfway and at least try to talk to me. How is she going to help me and the other bridesmaids pick out and try on her bridesmaids dresses if she’s too afraid to have a conversation with me? Let alone me and my friends.
I really don’t think she dislikes me I haven’t gotten that vibe from her at all, and when I asked others about it they say that she’s just shy. What can I do to involve her in a way that won’t make her uncomfortable? Do you think it’s worth all this trouble to include her? I’m sure that when the day comes and she sees our whole family being involved in the wedding and she’s just a guest she would feel left out (especially considering they’ve been dating for 4 years and have talked about marriege several times).
What should I do here?
Post # 2
I think it would be a nice gesture to ask her, especially if you’re sure she’s going to end up being your sister in law someday. I agree that for someone shy, being a bridesmaid might not be an ideal situation, particularly when she’s not close to the bride, but your brother seems to think she would love it and he would know better I guess.
Post # 3
I wouldn’t personally. You don’t seem to have a relationship with her independent of your brother, and you don’t seem to be close (yet!). Also, she’s only 18. It’s one thing to say you want to marry your SO at 18, it’s quite another to do it. How positive are you that she will be your SIL someday? Personally, I think it’s a mistake to ask SOs of siblings if they aren’t engaged or married, but that’s just me! FWIW I thought about asking my BIL’s gf and ended up not doing it. Too many people said to me “what if they break up,” and it made me think “hey, yeah…wtf would I do if they broke up.” Lol. oh well, just my two cents!
Post # 4
You don’t really know her and it doesn’t sound like you actually want her to be your bridesmaid, so, no, I don’t think you should ask her to be one.
I don’t think you should go out of your way to include her. I see that as forcing something that could be natural and far more relaxed. Her being your bridesmaid could lead to friction since neither of you knows the other. You don’t want to find out she’s a diffcult person under these circumstances where money, time, and deadlines are a part of the job.
Take photos with her on the day and hang out with her during the reception. Ask her if she’d like to be in the room with you as you get ready, if you want to. You could invite her to your bachelorette party, too.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t ask anyone to be in our bridal party who I didn’t really want to be there. Being family, or dating family, doesn’t automatically mean people should be included. Its YOUR wedding, the bridesmaids should be YOUR friends or their kids. And if you don’t know this girl that well after 4 years then she’s not a friend.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t but I would include her in all the wedding related actives I could.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2019 - Home
I still feel a bit conflicted. I also think I should make it more clear that I do know her on some level. It might be part of why she is more shy around me. A few years ago I was given the oppurtunity for a really wonderfull living situation in a nice home that belonged to my friends family for FH and I to rent out (and manage) at a very affordible price. My brother had been strugling to find a place to live and was still in our parents home in a horrible living condition so we rented out one of the rooms to him at a price he could afford. About a year later he asked me if his girlfriend could move in and I was very hesitant and came very close to saying no. I was sceptical that they would evetully break-up and becuase they lived together it would cause this whole melodrama that I didnt want to deal with. She also didnt have a job at the time and no work history. I decided that if I was going to do it I would treat the prosses from a professional standpoint as if I was renting a room to any other stranger and did an interview and made my expectations very clear from the begining that this was not a free ride and she would be kicked out if she did not get and hold a job and pay a fair share of rent and bills. I have a lot of experience with people who try to take advantage of others kindness and I was not about to let anything like that ruin our peacefull home. She did end up moving in and we all lived there for a while before FH and I ended up moving out of state. (They both always paid on time and kept up thier end of the deal, and they still live in the same house with some of thier friends).
At the time I was taking on a role that was needed to keep the household safe and peacefull. While I was always polite and kind, we didnt develop a friendship role, but more of landlord and tenat relationship. Now that they no longer live in my home and I see that their relationship has progressed and is going strong I would like to develop that friendship but I don’t know how too seeing as she probably still thinks of me as the person managing them and every conversation being to clean the mess up in the yard and pay the bills on time.
I really want the chance to develop this friendship and get to know her if she and my brother are going to be engaged soon (My brother told me he is planning on proposing). My brothers are the most important people in my life along with FH and my brother is really close with FH as well, I know how much she means to my brother now and this is why she is important to me as well. I never want her to feel uncomfortable or the odd one out or anything like that, but I feel how I treated her in the begining might have been a mistake since now I know she is very timid.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t. I almost asked my brothers girlfriend, she’s lovely and we get on really well and they’ve been together longer than I have with my fiance. Glad I didn’t as they’re now on the verge on breaking up. You can’t be sure she will be your sister in law, it might be that in 15 years time you’re looking back on photos that include your brother’s ex and you’re struggling to remember her name.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2019 - Home
gbbride2019 : oh wow, this is a really good point. If they do break up then my wedding photos that include her are going to be awkward…
Post # 12
I would say no, I wouldn’t ask someone to be a bridesmaid that I am not actually close with. You should choose people to be in your wedding party who you have an open and intimate relationship with, that will be capable of supporting you through the stress of planning, and who will take care to make sure you don’t end up feeling overwhelmed, particularly day of. It doesn’t sound like she would be able to fulfill those duties, nor does it sound like she is someone you are close enough with to lean on for advice, support, etc. The whole thing seems superficial and meaningless. It’s nice of you to want to make her feel included and to want to put an effort into getting to know her better, but I don’t think that asking her to be a bridesmaid is the way to do it. Maybe just tell her you want to start getting to know each other better, since they are getting much more serious.. go on girl dates and spend some time together.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t, because you don’t have a close relationship with her.
And as others have pointed out, on the off chance that they break up, she’ll be all over your wedding photos.
Post # 14
As a for instance my friend got married and asked her brother’s fiancée to be in the wedding party.
The fiancée cheated before they got married, now the ex fiancée is in all their wedding pics.
You just never know.
Post # 15
I think there are better ways to develop a friendship with this girl, I would not invite her to be in the bridal party.