Post # 1
Hi bees,i am not sure if i should invite my brother’s girlfriend as a bridesmaid?We are having a very small wedding (less than 60).We already have 2 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen.
I didn’t think about this before but one day my brother asked me about it.I am not particularly close to my brother’s girlfriend but i don’t dislike her either.We don’t see each other very much but we get along okay with we do.
There are a couple of things i am considering
- I am paying for the girls’ hair and make up and the number does add up pretty quickly
- Is it weird to have such a large bridal party on such a small wedding?
I don’t want to be rude or anything,and i certainly don’t want my brother to feel like i am not accepting his girlfriend or something like that.
What should i do?Thanks
Post # 3
How long have they been dating? Is there any possibility that they could break up between now and then? Are you close enough with her that if she wasn’t dating your brother you would still invite her to be a BM?
Post # 4
They have been dating for about 2 years now.It doesn’t look like they will be breaking up in the near future.
And no,if she wasn’t dating my brother,i wouldnt invite her to be a BM.
I had a chat with my mum.She reckons i should ask her..=S
Post # 5
I included my brother’s girlfriend BUT they’ve been together for about 3 yrs, have lived together for 1 yr and she acts as a second mother to my nephew. She and I get along well, but since I live in a different state I simply don’t see them very often so if they weren’t dating I wouldn’t hae included her.
I looked at it like this: My brother is anti-marriage (for himself – he’s super happy for us) at this stage in his life, but for all intents & purposes they’re married, and I def don’t see them breaking up; I see her in our family for the long haul.
To be honest – she’s given me less headache then my other 5 BMs, which are my 4 closest friends and my sister!!
Post # 6
I probably wouldn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid. I’m very anti asking anyone YOU don’t want as a bridesmaid, to be a bridesmaid. If you want to include her you could have her man the guest book or hand our programs.
Post # 7
Manning the guestbook is not an honor, especially since most are self-explanatory. Being a guest is a huge honor in itself, much moreso than “jobs” that folks try to create to include everyone.
If you’re questioning the idea, then you obviously are not close enough to her to have her as a bridesmaid. You will *know* if you want this person as your bridesmaid and they should be those who are nearest and dearest to you who support you through anything. Don’t add people just to have certain numbers or a certain look if you are not close to them.
Post # 8
How about asking her to do a reading, or some other activitiy, that wouldn’t be bridesmaid?
It isn’t rude to not ask her…but you both might feel good about asking her to do something else.
Post # 9
i wouldn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid. my way of picking bridesmaids was to have people that are and will be in my life for years to come. i don’t want to look at my pictures and think, who is that girl that was my bridesmaid, i can’t remember her name! just b/c they’ve been dating a while doesn’t mean she’ll always be around, and you’re not close to her so you probably wont remain friends. plus, if she’s not close to you she probably wont be very interested in your wedding. bridesmaids have a lot to do: buy a dress and accessories and lots of presents, plan the shower, plan the bachelorette party, etc. i would only want to work hard on these things if i really cared about the bride.
Post # 10
I think it depends on the situation. When my FH’s brother got married, we had been dating for 2 1/2 years, and I was (and still am) very close with the entire family. I was not asked to be a BM, but I was still expected to help with the bridal showers, be at the bachelorette (as a DD nonetheless, because I was underage), help everyone get ready, and help with Gram the day of (which I would have done regardless, but it was “assigned”). Meanwhile, I was not allowed to see my FH the entire day, because “the girls couldn’t see the boys before the wedding”, and then I was not allowed to be anywhere near pictures, the limo, or him throughout the reception. It was an awful experience.
While I agree that you shouldn’t have to invite people you don’t want to be there, keep in mind her feelings. I won’t sugarcoat it – I resent my SIL to this day, and she is the reason we’re not having family in the wedding party. It was not only a situation of me not being a BM, but because I was “part of the family” I was treated like a slave on the wedding day. I was treated like I wasn’t important at all, which is much more insulting than being a regular guest.
If she’s not in the wedding party, allow her a guest – a friend, her mom, someone. Even though she’s not “part of the family” yet, she may be one day. You will see her at every family function, every birthday, and every wedding and funeral.
Post # 11
From your description of your relationship with her I don’t think you should ask her. Even if they do not break up before the wedding it doesn’t sound like the two of you are really that close and she might feel wierd that you asked her because I’m sure she’s noticed the two of you aren’t best friends. Don’t let your mother convince you to do anything you don’t want to. If she wasn’t his girlfriend and you wouldn’t ask her I would say no to asking her just because she is his girlfriend.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t ask her for the sake of family harmony either.
Is it possible your brother asked since you have more groomsmen than BM and he thought if you needed more girls, she would be a good person to ask? Or maybe it was his subliminal way of telling you it would be a good idea since she’s really more to him than just a girlfriend? (Like maybe she’s the next to be a bride?)
I’d really only ask her if she was honestly a good friend or family member that was really close to me.
Post # 13
gosh. such a tough situation. i really appreciate afbacher‘s story and think it’s a good idea to consider how you treat someone and general future implications, no matter what you ultimately decide. but i do live in the camp that, hard as it may be, you should only choose people to be in your wedding party who you truly feel close to. i don’t believe in token honors or assignments. i’m really not trying to be harsh or black and white. i know this is hard. and it involves your brother too…as i’m ‘thinking out loud’ perhaps you want to have a heart to heart with him and ask him how he is feeling and why he brought it up. after you listen to him you’ll have an opportunity to share what you’re thinking about. perhaps the open dialogue will bring you to a clearer place. you certainly don’t want to have to be stressed about this, now, or on your wedding day.
Post # 14
I wouldn’t ask her. You have to think about whether you would ask her if she wasn’t your brother’s girlfriend, as in would you stay in contact with her if they broke up tomorrow. If the answer is no then I wouldn’t. My brother is younger and he and his girlfriend are serious but not close to getting married. I wouldn’t have considered asking her (but I wasn’t getting any pressure to either, which I understand that you are) but I did include her in the getting ready process and had the photogs take pictures of us together and included her in some of the family formal shots and I think she was very happy with that.
Post # 15
Thanks for all your feedback – Much appreciated!
My brother wasn’t particularly serious about her before,he was always joking up about wishing for another girlfriend or breaking up or something like that!That’s why i did not consider her to be a BM at the beginning.
But lately seems like things had changed because mum said that he is getting serious with her now and it is unlikely that they will be breaking up.
I agree with Afbacher’s -Even if she’s not “part of the family” now, she may be one day. I don’t want things to be awkward in the future.
BUT,if they do break up,she will be at my wedding photos,and it would be really awkward in the future.
I will probably sleep on it again and maybe get my fiance’s to ask my brother if he is serious about her again.
Post # 16
Yeah, that’s tough. If they were married, and she was family, I would say ask her. But it would be really awkward if they broke up. I would consider asking your brother how serious he is with her. Maybe be honest about not being close to her.
I wonder if your brother is asking, because he is in fact getting ready to propose himself. And possibly even thinking of having you in the wedding. Maybe they’ve discussed this stuff already. I’d see if you can get anything like that out of him. If so, I might ask her.