(Closed) Should I ask my very busy friend to be BM?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should I ask my very busy friend to be my BM?
    Ask her : (21 votes)
    88 %
    Don't ask her : (3 votes)
    13 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    9524 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    Ask her but bring up these concerns. If you do not expect much help from her then tell her so.  She can always politely decline and simply attend the wedding. best to be upfront and honest than hurt her feelings.

    Post # 3
    Member
    217 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Yeah if you are planning to tell her you’re not asking her because of work you need to let her make that choice for herself. Give her an out, i.e. I really want you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man but I know you have work stuff come up last minute often so if you feel you can’t 100% commit I would of course love to have you come as a guest. She’s an adult and probably won’t appreciate being told you’re doing her a favor by not asking her!

    Post # 4
    Member
    9017 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    mus1ca1xo:  Blowing off dinner is a bit different to blowing off being a bridesmaid. I think it is really unfair that you are using her work schedule to justify not asking her to be a bridesmaid.

    I have one of those job where last minute things crop up and I can’t leave. Guess I am lucky that I have friends that understand that and don’t hold it against me. I would never back out of an important event like a wedding but dinner or drinks I would.

    If all you are afraid of is her backing out a day before the wedding then I think as a friend you need to have a little more faith in your friend. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    824 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Do not ask her. You need someone reliable

    Post # 6
    Hostess
    7553 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    If the 5 of you are tight it would be pretty damaging not to ask her. I’m of the opinion that a Bridesmaid or Best Man only needs to buy a dress and show up. Talk to her about what you expect from her and let her know specifically what she will need time for. She can decide if that will work for her or not. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    2091 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    View original reply
    mus1ca1xo:  So, I am currently your friend. I often have to work very late at the moment and often have to cancel seeing my friends last minute. I abaolutely hate it. But I have to do it for my job. 

    I understand it’s frustrating when your friend drops out on things, but it’s unlikely she’s working late out of choice. I bet she could use your support right now. 

    I think it’s pretty unlikely she would have to drop out of your actual wedding day as a bridesmaid. I think most employers would be understanding about that. And really what else does she need to do? All that is really required of a bridesmaid is to show up wearing the dress and a smile. 

    I know I would be absolutely devastated if my friend didn’t ask me because I was “too busy” with work.

    My advice? Ask her. Tell her you love her and can’t wait to catch up when things calm down for her at the office. Make it easy for her to buy the dress by sending her a link to buy it online. Give her support and I bet she’ll support you too, and love you for it. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    131 posts
    Blushing bee

    I would say ask her if you really feel that you want her to be there, but also talk to her about your feelings regarding the constant cancellations due to work. She might be happy to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but realistically if you think you cannot depend on her to show up, consider making alternate arrangements. As a for instance, you may have to re-arrange the lineup of who walks/stands up there with you.

    Post # 9
    Member
    21 posts
    Newbee

    If you really want your friend to be in the wedding ask her and let her make the decision. This summer is a very busy one for me. Not only am I getting married, but 2 of my best friends and my two cousins are also getting married. In August I have 3 weddings to attend…one being my own! I’m also very busy with work. I am a nurse so I work off hours at times. I do 12 hour shifts a lot. My friend is getting married 2 weeks before me. She really wanted me to be in the wedding but she didnt want me to feel like I had to just because she asked. She told me she wanted me to be in the wedding and she knew how busy I was but if I were up for it then she would love it. I decided to be in the wedding and I really appreciate that she asked me. As busy as I am, she is one of my best friends and no matter what I would love to be a part of her big day.

    Post # 10
    Member
    3585 posts
    Sugar bee

    I would still ask but wouldn’t get mad since you already know what to expect. Just allow her to stand as a Bridesmaid or Best Man and if she makes it to the activities then great.

    Post # 11
    Member
    11519 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    View original reply
    mus1ca1xo:  I would ask her, I doubt she’d bail on your wedding, but just know that she probably won’t be there for much.  She probably won’t go dress shopping, may not be able to help with bachelorette parties and showers etc.

    One of my BMs is a lawyer and her work schedule is crazy, we work in different provinces and probably only actually talk to each other a couple times a year, but she has been by my side through everything since I was about 14, I couldn’t imagine her not being a part of my day. 

    She travelled for the wedding, arrived Thursday and left Sunday for our Saturday wedding and she was amazing while she was here and did everything I needed.

    Post # 12
    Member
    4504 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Ask her, but give her a chance to decline, and keep your expectations low. Not asking her will damage your relationship big time. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    5153 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    mus1ca1xo:  I would absolutely ask her. If she feels it will be too much, that is up to her to let you know and decline the offer. I think that if you don’t ask her – she is going to be really upset and hurt, especially since youre asking everyone else in your group of friends. 

    I think missing out last minute on a dinner is also way different than a wedding. I’m sure she will make it to the wedding! Just rely on your more reliable bridesmaids and don’t be disappointed if she can’t attend something. 

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