Post # 1
My half-sister and I have a complicated relationship, but it hasn’t always been the case. She is 5 years older than me, and we (kind of) share the same father.
To tell you the full story, my dad was married to her mom, and divorced when she was 2. After their divorce, he met my mother who already had me, they got married and he adopted me. I grew up as the only one in my family not knowing that he wasn’t my biological dad. My half-sister and I had a great relationship, she used to come over during the weekends, and I only have fond memories of our childhood. The only negative emotion I associate with her is the fact that I always felt guilty for living with my dad instead of her, and I was always afraid of ‘shining too bright’ in front of her, like I had to hide my happiness. But overall we had a fun and supportive relationship. That is until my father started having money problems when I was 18, and that is when everything started to fall apart. My parent’s marriage started getting shaky, and they had an on-off relationship because of money problems. My sister got involved and fought with my dad for getting back together with my mom. I tried to stay out of it at first, but then my father went into a state of depression, and having suicidal thoughts. He tried to kill himself for 3 years, and he fought with my sister so much that they didn’t talk to each other for over 6 months. When I was 20, my dad told me that I was adopted, and killed himself 3 months later. A year after that,I started working with my sister, as her mom owns a very successful gym in our country. That is when I discovered her true colors. My sister didn’t stop bullying me for a year, she was mean and rude to me, always trying to assert her power over me (she was technically my boss), and it really affected my self-esteem as it was my first job out of college. There were times where it got so bad, she would say stuff like “In any case, you’re not my real sister”, “You have always tried to manipulate me” (When it isn’t the case at all), “Everyone hates you as much as they hate your mother” and really hurtful and mean things that I never knew she thought of me. I am really proud of myself that I never said anything mean that I regret, although I could have. I would usually end the conversation and leave when she would say hurtful things. After a year of working with her, I quit and we fought so bad that she kicked me out of the gym and told me not to set foot there anymore.
Fast forward a year later, she sent me an invitation to her wedding (2 months after she sent it to all her friends), not including a +1. So I replied that I would be attending with my boyfriend of 2 years, that is the same age as her and that she knows and likes. She replied that it was a closed guestlist and he could not attend, and she also did not invite my mother.
Honestly at this point, I am thinking of skipping the wedding altogether, I really feel that she has been treating me with disrespect, and like she doesn’t really want me to be there. I’m really not looking forward to being there alone, and I feel like it is time I stood up for myself and not let her push me around anymore.
The only thing that I’m hesitating about is that I know that if my father was alive, he would want me to go. I also know that if he was alive, she would have never treated me this way, and if she did he would have gotten very angry at her.
I’m not sure what to do, and if you’ve gotten to the end of this paragraph (I know it was long, thanks for sticking it out) please help me make this decision.
Post # 2
wanderlust14 : to be frank, your sister is a bitch. do not go to her wedding and cut ties altogether. you took the high road by remaining graceful and not saying hateful things to her in rebuttal of how she treated you, which speaks volumes of your character. she is a terrible person, and if you needed yet another reason not to go, it should be that you were only invited as an afterthought AND as an added bonus, she doesn’t respect you enough to allow your serious partner to attend.
you sound like a really kind person, bee. don’t keep allowing her to hurt you. you have been through enough.
Post # 3
wanderlust14 : I wouldn’t go, and not because your boyfriend isn’t invited. I don’t believe that your father would want you to go and expose yourself to her hurtfulness. I’m sure he would wish that she wasn’t hurtful to you, but she is. And regardless of how he would feel, you are not obligated to accept verbal and emotional abuse for or from anyone. I’m very sorry for your situation and wish it was different, but since this is what it is, I recommend protecting yourself.
Post # 4
wanderlust14 : write her out of your life. There is no reason to be continually abused by someone, no matter who they are. She doesn’t deserve you there and it has nothing to do with who was included on the invites.
I feel a little bad for her. Her (your) father had mental health problems that resulted in his death. They may have been genetic. Or she may be handling life badly after what happened, feeling guilt, etc. But ultimately she needs to work that out, not treat the people around her like trash.
Don’t be trash for her.
Post # 5
My heart breaks for you bee and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. In a perfect world your father’s death would bring you and your sister closer, sharing your grief and pain and learning to cope with such a tragic loss. Unfortunately your sister has some serious unresolved issues around her relationship with her father and since he is no longer available, she has chosen to take that out on you. Its hard to believe, but her bad behavior has NOTHING to do with you.
Good on you for not getting down in the mud with her, but sadly you are going to have to keep your distance from her until she can prove she has resolved her issues and can have a respectful, adult relationship with you. Hopefully that day will come. Hugs.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t go. I doubt your father would want you to go given all that has happened. Do something else to honor him that day.
Post # 7
While I was reading this, I was hoping that your half sister was extending an olive branch in sending you a wedding invite, but sadly this doesn’t seem to be the case. You and your sister went through a very messy, tragic time concerning your dad. I’m sorry for both of you and you must miss him terribly, but your sister might be hurting in other ways. You don’t know how she saw things during all of that turmoil or why she was upset at him for reconciling with your mother. So she sounds more hurting than hateful, even if the hurt is coming out as anger. This doesn’t mean, however, that you have to bare the brunt of her anger and conflicted feelings regarding your father. I’d take the high road and send a card and gift, but I also wouldn’t put myself in the direct line of her toxic behaviour.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Oh Bee I don’t think your father would want you to go and get yourself all worked up about if you went. I think she is very disrepectful and hurtful to you. I’ve always said words hurt and I think she said those words to you so you could feel what she has felt. You owe her nothing. Do not put yourself through this. Has she ever said she was sorry? If she has that takes time to get over the hurt that she has caused you. You seen to still have a lot of open wounds from her that need to heal. And if she hasn’t than she needs to, not that right now it will make a differance. But maybe you could start to forgive her. But I would not go to here wedding and it wouldn’t be because she didn’t invite my boyfriend but for all the pain that she has caused me. I would let her know the reason why. I’m sorry Bee you have to go through this, hopefully you will be able to push through it.
Post # 9
Yeah, you need to skip that wedding.
Post # 10
First of all I’m so sorry for the loss of your father. That must have been a very difficult time for you and your whole family. I woundn’t go to the wedding because you shouldn’t have to go and be miserable, and I’m sure your sister woundn’t want anyone there who wasn’t unhappy. I woundn’t make a big deal out of it, just a polite and short text or email that says “unfortunately something has come up and I’m unable to attend your wedding, but I hope it’s a wonderful day and I can’t wait to see pictures on social media!”
Post # 11
wanderlust14 : woof this is tough.
i was all ready to say go before i read towards the end of your post.
I am not sure if the wedding invitation was sent as an Olive branch on her part or not. But then why would she have sent one at all? Do you think her mom or other family member is pushing to invite you?
Her sending it says to me that she wants some sort or relationship with you, but the way she treated you and (unfairly) blamed you and your family was really mean. Obviously she was dealing with some internal issues, but it is no excuse.
Does she live fairly close? I would suggest trying to meet for coffee or maybe just schedule a catch up phone call and see how it goes. If she seems open to meeting and having a relationship, go from there. If she is still cold, distanced then I would say you have your answer.
Post # 12
I began reading this post assuming my answer would be “go to the wedding”, but honestly, after the way she has treated you I don’t think it is worth it.
Post # 13
wanderlust14 : What a terrible situation, and I’m sorry you had to go through this.
Her behaviour definitely sounds like it has stemmed from grief and insecurity surrounding your father’s suicide. Doesn’t make it right of course, but I feel it is different than if her behaviour stemmed from something less momentous.
As far as the invitation goes, I think unfortunately you were in the wrong (although this would be debated on weddingbee) depending on the norm in your circles, no ring, no bring can be a legitimate cut off point for invitations. Since it was only your name on the invitation, you should not have added your boyfriend. I would invite a boyfriend of 2 years, but not everybody would.
Would you be glad if this relationship was fixed, or do you not really care at this point?
If you don’t care, then I would decline and cease contact. If you would enjoy having the relationship fixed, I would attend the wedding. I find it unlikely that you wouldn’t know anyone else there, and if it’s uncomfortable, you can always duck out when the reception formalities have ended. Then after the wedding I would speak to your sister and try and see each other for a coffee and a chat, or even suggest seeing a family therapist together.
This is assuming the wedding is soon (ie. in the next three months) If it’s still quite far away, I would try to catch up and reconciliate with your sister before the wedding, and if she isn’t receptive, decline the invitation.
Post # 14
Your sister sounds like a POS. Do not attend that wedding. Even if your father was alive and wanted you to attend you should still skip the wedding. Anyone who would tell you to put up with more abuse from her (whatever the relationship) would be completely wrong.
I wouldn’t even respond to her anymore. I would delete her name and phone number and sever all ties with her. And the only way I would revisit that relationship would be if she contacted me issuing some serious apologies and taking responsibility for her behavior and treatment.
But she isn’t going to do that because she’s focused on her own hurt and upset about your father.
Post # 15
This is a hard no for me.