Post # 1
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
Hope you bees can give me some advice! Fortunately, I have not had to attend many funerals so far in my life. My best friend from high school’s father just died. We have been out of touch for the last 4 years since we graduated from college. She lives across the country and I live near our hometown. I knew her dad quite well in high school (she was my best friend). Should I attend the funeral? It will be an evening funeral, about 1 1/2 hours from my house and I can easily attend. I haven’t spoken with her, other than the occassional facebook message, for over 1 year. And, if you think I should attend, should I make my fiance go with me? He never met her dad, but does know my high school friend. What should I do?
Post # 3
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
I would try to go, it would probably mean a lot to your friend
Post # 4
Member
1901 posts
Buzzing bee
It really depends on what your fiance feels – I went to the funeral of my partner’s friend’s brother a few months ago. It was a little strange, because I didn’t know the brother at all, but I was fairly close to the friend, so he really appreciated my presence and our support after his brother’s death.
At the end of the day, I don’t think it’ll hurt to have too many people at the funeral, rather than too few. Obviously, if your fiance can’t make it (e.g. isn’t comfortable, or has to work), then that’s fine, but no one should mind him being there.
Edit: I didn’t realise you were wondering whether or not you should go. Honestly, I think you should. Like with your fiance – your friend won’t mind having extra people at the funeral, and would really appreciate the extra support.
Post # 5
Hostess
7556 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I would probably go to support my friend.
Post # 6
Member
13595 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I would try to go – it would mean a lot to her. I think your Fiance should go as well, as a show of support for your friends as well as for you.
Post # 7
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
When my dad died, a lot of my old friends from middle and high school who were close to my dad showed up. We hadn’t talked in almost ten years, having mostly lost touch after high school, having all gone our separate ways and all, but it had always been this group of like four or five people who’d basically lived at our house for five or six years, and my dad had loved them like his own kids (they’d talked to my dad more than they’d talked to me since we graduated).
We haven’t talked again since the funeral, but it was really amazing to have them there, because they knew the dad I grew up with and they were really the only ones other than my brother who could share that with me. I’ll forever be grateful that they took the time out of their days and their days off work to be there, and I’ll never forget that.
I’m assuming your friend is fairly young to have lost her dad, so the bulk of her memories will be of her dad as she was growing up. At the funeral, she’ll be surrounded by people who knew him in such different ways; as a friend, a husband, a son, a brother, an exboyfriend (yes, my dad’s old girlfriend from high school showed up, which was sweet of her- they’d parted on good terms), possibly a father-in-law; it’ll be good for your friend to see someone who shares some of her old memories of her dad.
So yes, you should go. As for your Fiance, honestly, I’d let him make his own call. Funerals are awkward, I know I hate them and will do anything to avoid them (they’re just not part of how my grief process works), but if he’s the type who isn’t too put off by them, he might want to go to support you. Leave it up to him.
Post # 8
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
Funerals are not for the person that died but for the family left behind. You should go (and Fiance too if he wants) to support your friend.
Post # 9
Member
7770 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Of course you should go! I can’t think of any reason not to go.
Post # 10
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
@riley23: Thanks for sharing – We are both 25/26 so yes, she is very young to have lost her father. I guess I was thinking it would be awkward because we haven’t kept in touch at all really, but after reading your post I’m thinking I should go.
@cbee: @Luayne: @abbie017: @LadyElva: Thanks all for the advice – I think I will be going – as the last bee said, I can’t really think of a reason I shouldn’t go.
Post # 11
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
I bet she would be very touched if you went. A few of my friends that I lost contact with attended my grandmothers funeral and it really meant a lot to me.
Post # 12
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
The biggest mistake people make when a friend’s loved one passes away is to not say anything, and/or not attend the funeral. Most people are nervous or don’t know what to say, so they do nothing. I’m sure it will mean a lot to your friend if you and your Fiance attend the funeral. Funerals celebrate the entire life of a person, and even though you haven’t been close with him recently, you were once a bid presence in his life, so yes, you should both attend.
Post # 13
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
I think you for sure should go. You’d probably be more comfortable if Fiance goes too, but I guess that’s up to him.
Post # 14
Member
9951 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I would go… with him, or without him …. truly the choice is yours.
Best Friends in life are a rare thing… be they long ago or now.
Being there for her, if just in your presence will mean a lot to her… especially if now she lives worlds apart (other side of the country)
We go to funerals out of respect for the dead… BUT in truth it is more for our love and compassion for the living.
Funerals tend to be tough events for sure… but they are touchstones for our lives.
So they aren’t all doom & gloom… you guys might have the opportunity to catch up “Sylvia… I am pleased to introduce you to my Fiance Paul”… (Point of Etiquette.. the basic anyhow, when it comes to Intros… always Woman mentioned first.. so introduced to a Man)
And a chance to reminisce… “Remember when we were kids… and your Dad did this…”
etc
No doubt your meet up at this difficult time will be very therapeutic for both of you.
Embrace your friend, embrace the cycle of life… you both will be richer for it (and so will your Fiance too, if he chooses to attend with you).
Hope this helps,
Post # 15
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
I definitely think you should go and offer your condolences. It would probably mean the world to your friend, even though you aren’t as close these days. It meant so much to me when one of my friends came with her Fiance to my grandmother’s wake and funeral. I was a mess, and having them there was amazing.
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