Should I be a SAHM?

posted 3 years ago in Career
Post # 31
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I’ve been in a very similar position (down to the husband’s job) and I’m very, very glad I am not a Stay-At-Home Mom. I took a less-demanding position for slightly less $, and I have an excellent work/life balance. FWIW, my daughter is in daycare about 30 hours a week and she is ahead of all of her peers in development.

Post # 32
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

The $10k is a big deal; when will that be paid off?

There’s also a big difference between being a Stay-At-Home Mom and a Stay-At-Home Wife. While I think your husband’s job is an admirable one, and that it’s always (sadly) going to be in demand – it’s a dangerous profession. What happens if something goes wrong and he is injured in the line of duty and you’re full time SAH? 

Also – the 9 months when you’re pregnant are a time when you ought to be able to do some work and some saving. I’d look at what opportunities are available for skilled volunteering as well; as a PP mentioned, a little bit of PTA volunteering doesn’t do a lot. (In her case, she could have been volunteering in her field – I think it was speech pathology? Lots of underprivileged families that can’t afford that outside of the school system which has long wait times, lots of hospital patients with disorders that could use a bit of volunteer time on the ward with someone who can do breathing exercises with them until the respiratory tech arrives, lots of journals she could read). 

What about starting your own business? I’m not talking the MLM type stuff out there, but is there something you find gets you passionate? A safety training company, perhaps?

Post # 33
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Look, if this is something that you really want and you can afford it, then go for it!

However, if you only work 45-50h a week I am trying hard but I fail to see a problem with that. 

Post # 34
4260 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I gave up my career to go down to a single income.  I have never regretted it for a second.  Staying at home with my kids is by far, the the thing that makes me happiest in my life.  But going down to one income is an adjustment, and we made certain sacrifices.  We have had to move to a more rural area to be able to have what we had before.  And we have to stick to a budget.  It doesn’t bother us though, and my Darling Husband and I are both happy with how our family is.  And being a Stay-At-Home Mom can be a bit loney at times.  When you talk to a baby/toddler/kid all day and then have to share your husband with 3 kids when he gets home, it can be hard to feel like you get enough grown up attention.  However, whatever decision you make , whether it be at home or in an office, there will always be pros and cons.  For me and my Darling Husband, the pros of me being at home far out weigh the cons.  🙂

Post # 35
1665 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

My Fiance and really want to TTC after we get married and we want me to be a Stay-At-Home Mom so I recently drew up a list of all of our outgoing expenses down to the last cent to see if his salary will cover it all – and luckily it does.

To take it a step further we decided not to even touch my salary for a couple months to see how comfortable we’d be and it was just fine – the hardest bit for me was not being able to just buy whatever I want whenever!! Fiance is already very frugle and we are completely debt free.

I suggest you have a chat with your Darling Husband and go through a similar process. We have also made the decision to pour all of our post-wedding savings into a baby account so will have about 20K put aside for when I stop working later in my pregnancy. 

We are currently toying with moving to a smaller town after our wedding where we can live more comfortably – in which case I simply would stop working when we move – HOPING for this so I can be pregnant and at home!

I grew up with a mom and dad that ran a business from home and I love that they were always there for us. 

Post # 36
209 posts
Helper bee

I hope to be a Stay-At-Home Mom when we concieve.  For the time being, I’m hustling to try to make the most money and get the best title I can so if I leave the workforce for a while and decide to come back, it won’t be as much of a climb to get back to a comperable position.


I make $152k and my husband makes around $400k so it feels doable, although it will be hard for me to give up my own paychecks. 

Post # 37
1025 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think a lot of it comes down to what you truly want. I grew up with a Stay-At-Home Mom and so did hubby. We wouldn’t have it any other way for our son ( 30 weeks now). I know I would regret working through the first few years of his life. Can’t get that time back. Hubs makes enough that we will be ok and not hurting financially.

Post # 38
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Fall_In_Love22 :  great to know I’m not alone we have two children and I’m expecting our third, I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom and always hoped I would be ! 

Post # 39
2923 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

want2stayathome :  I don’t see how it would be financially possible for you to stay home full time if you are bringing in such a huge portion of your household income.  If your husband made, say, $170,000 and you made $50,000 then it would be I think much more feasible.  You’re talking almost half your household income.

You would have to write out the financials and see it in black and white.  I’m guessing that you would have to cut back drastically on literally everything, not to mention you would be adding expenses once you do have kids.  While they don’t need a lot when they are really little, they need more the bigger they get.  You aren’t debt free; many of us here have a mortgage and I would much rather work at least part time and apply some of that income toward paying it off early.  Are you going to need a larger car once kids come into the picture?….something else to consider too.

You didn’t say you wanted to stay home “forever” but you since you had career aspirations, are you going to be happy home all the time?  I think like a couple of posters said that part time is really a great option.

My Fiance works in health care and he sees and makes life changing diagnoses all the time.  He’s seen a lot of young people diagnosed with life threatening diseases or has seen lives changes because of things like auto accidents.  It’s hard to have that kind of pressure put on the family when only one spouse works.

You also have to think of how the dynamic between you and your husband would change.  My FI’s friend and his wife have 2 kids.  The first is almost 3 and the second a few months old.  The wife really wanted to stay home full time after the second; she worked full time with the first.  When she worked she had a ton of help, like a cleaning lady, and her husband helped a lot too because he had to.  They also ate out a lot more because they could afford to and because they would both get home late and not want to cook. Now that she’s home full time, it actually has put more stress on their relationship.  They got rid of the cleaning lady and she is expected to cook much more than before.  While the guy does help, she tends to dump the kids off on him as soon as he walks through the door (at least that’s the way he sees it).  She has had a hard time adjusting to their new budget as the days of going and buying whatever she wants are gone.  He’s a bit resentful that she’s home all day and he’s expected to help as much as previously, like with making dinner or with housework.  He also feels a lot of pressure being the sole provider and because this is still new, he’s trying to give it more time but he did not expect to feel so burdened. They both bicker all the time and on the rare occassion they do go out with us, you can feel the tension.

Things are not like when our parents were younger and starting out.  Jobs don’t have the stability they once did and I don’t think they ever will.  I sound so old saying that but it’s the new norm.  And with your husband being a police officer, what happens if he burns out or gets injured and/or wants to change careers?  Is he stuck because you’re home?

I think you need to think about this a lot more.  To me the fact that you bring home so much compared to him is enough for me to think it may not work.

Post # 40
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

want2stayathome :  How soon are you planning to have kids? Because if it’s not for 1-2 years, you can work until then maybe? It would help save up for having kids and put a dent in that $10K debt.

Post # 41
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am only confused because you said you live where people make $55K household and then said you would pay half of your 50K salary in day care…so almost 2K/month? That’s incredibly pricy day care for an area that doesn’t bring in much financially and I always say that when you make less than day care costs it’s worth it but until then you’re still gaining financially (and maintaining employability, and contributing to your retirement) by staying at work.

I am married to a cop- I make a lot more than he does. He has coworkers whose wives don’t work and I honestly have no idea how they do it. I love my career, I worked hard to have it and I also love our home, our boat, travels, and all that we have from having a 2 income home. 

I also was raised by a Stay-At-Home Mom and loved it. It made me kind of sad to think my babies won’t experience that but for all the reasons mentioned above I am so happy to stay at work. My husband was raised by a single mother and has no issues with his childhood either. There really is no wrong or right when it comes to parenting. Bottom line is the decision is up to you and your family. Good luck! 

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