(Closed) Should I be as upset as I am?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@honey_love:  I think if he is working with you paying for the rent and other things right now until you can get back on your feet, you may be overreacting with bugging him about paying you pack for a few things that were a total that was under $50. And maybe he was having a bad day and just snapped at you? I think I would stick with the agreement per you two discussing it. Pay down your loans and debt than revisit the subject after you are on steady financial ground again. You are very fortunate that your Fiance cares about you and has the means to help cover you so that you can get back on steady ground financially. 🙂 Good luck! 🙂 

Post # 4
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Maybe you should start paying half the rent. It might take longer to pay off your loans but maybe then you will be on level footing. I don’t see why you would ask to be paid back for anything, especially since you can afford it and you are contributing way less to the the expenses as him.

 

Post # 5
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would let this go.  Also, I think that when you’re more financially stable that it’s more fair if you contribute toward your bills based on your percentage of total pay you both make.  If he has a larger salary he would contribute more.  What you all can do is have a joint account for all bills and have a portion of your pay automatically deposited into that account.  This could circumvent future resentment about paying the same amount while bringing home less money thus leaving you less to spend on yourself.  🙂

Post # 6
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Couples will always fight over three things:  Money, Sex and Family, it’s a fact.

You are both young, and while his circumstance is more favorable than yours in a financial sense of the word, you can’t ever expect everything to be 50/50.  It would appear that he was on the right track, with the arrangement of you doing groceries + debt control on your end while he handles the rest….then along came the co-mingling part….which always makes things more complicated.

If it were me, I would sit down with him and be very clear and honest about your finances, your situation and about the fact that threatening you with money is not the way to inspire generosity or reciprocity on your part, nor will you allow him to control you with it…he knows you don’t have it, he knows it bothers you and he needs to know that you two are supposed to be in this together and expecting everything to be split right down the middle is not only childish, it’s impossible…he needs to man up and stop counting every single penny that goes in and out of that place, miserly antics only produce a lonely and bitter scrooge.

Post # 7
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Being in a situation where my Fiance pays for almost everything, I really would not ask him to pay back the few things that I every now and them pay for him. I completely understand that your bf snapped.

Post # 8
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

It’s understandable that you’d be annoyed that you’d have to remind someone who is well off that they owe you money…repeatedly. But in this situation I believe you should let it go. It’s such a blessing that you’ve found a partner who can support you financially and provide you with the opportunity to pay down your debt quickly. So you had to spend $50 on his behalf. Even at $1000 a pay period, $50 is not a lot of money in the grand scheme of things and I can imagine at some point, either already or in the near future, he’ll probably spot you for something. Relationships aren’t about providing an expense report to your partner. But if you truly couldn’t afford the $50 it was your responsibility to tell him when he made the request and not begrudge him afterwards for something that wasn’t necessarily obvious to him. I would let this one go. If he makes another request just let him know that it’s not within your means and I’m sure he’d be happy to pay it himself.

EDIT: That being said, I do believe you need to communicate to him that his choice to pay the rent is HIS choice and not something you forced him to do. It should never be used as a weapon. 

Post # 9
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

@honey_love:  Was it the way he spoke to you that upset you? I think that’s what would bother me. Is he normally like this? I think that maybe you need to sit down, work out exactly what upset you, and then tell him how you feel. But yes, I think I would be upset if I was in your situation- though I can’t quite put my finger on why. Good luck x

Post # 10
Member
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have been in your shoes and went through a similar situation with my husband (then boyfriend) when we moved in together. At the time he was making 25K more then me a year, so I didn’t feel that splitting bills 50/50 was fair, and he agreed, so we compromised on a different percentage split and I would pay for groceries. 

I will say that at times he reacted the same way your Boyfriend or Best Friend did, and it is simply fustration. While your Boyfriend or Best Friend & my husband really want to help, it does at times get fustrating that they are the ones paying majority of our expenses. However, this fustration does not outweigh the fact that they want to financially help us. It is basically an internal battle that at times, may cause him to blurt out something to the tune of what he said.

When my husband had these blurts, I would just remind him of our situation and he would agree he was just fustrated or having a bad day and apologized – this agreemenet afterall is something we BOTH put in place.

I also wouldn’t make that big of a deal of his reaction, and I defintely wouldn’t insist that you should void your agreement and start paying rent becauese of his reaction (he may see this is childish/dramatic,) instead make sure you are both on the same page and continue to pay off your loans & stick to your initial agreement. 

Post # 11
Member
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

double

Post # 12
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I agree with pp.. it sounds like you have a sweet deal going and he is being very generous already. Asking him to pay you back for such small purchases seems like overkill. My Fiance and I are in a similar situation, we are both right out of undergrad, and he’s still in vet school while I work full time. His parents still give him lots of money each month for expenses, whereas all of my expenses come out of my pay check. If he agreed to pay all the rent as long as I covered groceries, I would jump for joy and try to do some small favors for him periodically like fill his gas tank once in a while, etc. That would be a dream!

Post # 13
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Definitely let this go. While his statement was out of line, it was justified. Everyone is entitled to getting things they want (instead of need) every now and then, and honestly, $50 is not a huge deal now that you have a contract job. When you’re married/engaged, it’s common to buy each other small things here and there. You shouldn’t feel like you need to keep track of every cent spent on each other; that’s just silly. 

 

Post # 14
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

when dh lived together before we were engaged and then married, we used to keep track of joint expenses in an excel spreadsheet. it helped us keep a tally of who had paid for what without having to constantly remind each other “oh it’s your turn to pay for groceries” or things like that. he always owed me a huge amount (I bought our furniture when we moved and it never equalled out after that really big purchase) but at least we had a sense of the amount, it still felt fair since everything went into the same tally. getting it down and calculated like that did a lot for us to keep any resentment about money out of our relationship. 

i mention this because maybe tracking the spending more carefully will help you feel less resentful about picking up some extra costs every now and then. I think your agreement about him paying the rent is fine if it works for you guys, but I also wouldn’t make a big deal about these incidental costs either

Post # 15
Member
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I can see why he would be upset about you not being willing to carry 60 bucks when he pays the majority of expenses. 

That said, i also moved into a home that was purchased before we met.  If you do decide to eventually start splitting “rent” be sure to analyze that situation carefully.  I think my husband suggested once about going halfers and I flatly refused for a few reasons. 1) I didn’t choose to live in more house than I would have chosen had I been involved in that decision and 2) unless you’re going to work out a scheme where you have some claim to that asset paying half of his mortgage isn’t really fair If you happened to break up.  Dh has an accelerated mortgage schedule where the mortgage is 1500 but more than $1000 a month goes to the principle.  Why would I pay $750 and he benefit $500 that he gets back when he sells??  We discussed what he could potentially charge a roommate (that doesn’t even get their own room!) and determined the fact that I pay for his groceries, cable and Internet was more than fair. 

Post # 16
Member
3150 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

@honey_love:  You have to know when to pick your battles. If he’s handling all the big stuff, why not spend a little here and there?

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