should i be concerned about this or no?

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
585 posts
Busy bee

You really have nothing to worry about. If somebody can ghost you out of a relationship, it was never that serious of a relationship anyways. He was probably just talking to her because he was curious. 

I don’t think the fact that he took 8 months for the L word is concerning. It’s hard for some people. I think on average it takes me 4-6 months to say it and I think men are more cautious with the L work than women are. 

Post # 3
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee

needadviceplease81 :  

If there was nothing more behind the messages I don’t understand why he couldn’t have been honest with you about the source and what was said back and forth. 

However, like PP said he could very well have been curious. Now the issue is do you have reason to not trust him? If you do and then this add’s to the case then yeah I would be concerned.

Post # 4
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Based solely on the information provided, it doesn’t seem like a big deal. I don’t necessarily hate every ex I’ve ever had, so if one of them messaged me innocently, I would probably courteous in response. It doesn’t sound like there is anything more than “Hey, how are you?” talk going on in those texts. Plus, he was honest and told you about it, it doesn’t sound like he was trying to hide anything. 

Post # 5
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

needadviceplease81 :  he could have been genuinely curious…you didn’t mention that he said anything troubling (aside from “hey you how you been” which could go so many ways, as it’s text and it’s hard to get a ton of intent from text) so I wouldn’t worry too much. She initiated, not him. If he’s handing over his phone and telling you he talked to her, he probably isn’t worried about you finding anything there. That’s a good thing.

Ex GF was probaby just trying to see if she could get a rise out of your BF, he was probably curious about what she had to say, and boom they talked for a few messages. Nothing to lose sleep over for sure. 

If you really need to bring it up for your own mental health, just be casual about it. “Hey babe can I ask you a question? If EXGF was so terrible to you…why talk to her now? I just don’t want you to be in a position where she could hurt you again, even just by checking in to say hi. I’ll admit, it does bother me a bit.”

I think you’re way off by saying, “if she hadn’t ghosted the conversation what would he have done??” That’s not a valid question (in my opinion). You’re taking something that didn’t happen, and trying to figure out a way to be concerned or upset over it. He hasn’t done anything wrong and to speculate that he possibly would have is not going to get you anywhere. Think of it like a court case. Right now your evidence is next to nothing, he didn’t actually do anything inappropriate, you’ve got no motive, and I’m not sure what you’re even trying to prove. 

As far as saying I love you goes…it’s different for everyone. If you loved him before 8 months when he told you, did you say it to him? Maybe he thinks you waited 8 months to tell him AND he had to say it first. I don’t know, I just think that’s not an indicator of success.

My DH and I didn’t say I love you until 8 months in, even though I think we were both feeling it at about 2-3 months. We were both just scared to ruin a good thing by moving too fast. My feeling is, wouldn’t you rather someone say it to you and they are 100% sure they mean it beyond a shadow of a doubt, than to say it early just because you feel like they should?

Let it go OP and enjoy your BF. If he hasn’t given you a reason not to trust him, don’t make one up. 

 

Post # 6
Member
346 posts
Helper bee

Him taking a long time to tell you he loved you is a separate issue, and I really wouldn’t worry about it too much. 

However, I always have MAJOR side-eye for men who say ‘oh my ex had issues’. Too often men are quick to disparage perfectly reasonable women just because they’ve broken up with them, and ‘insecure’ and ‘over dramatic’ are often used against women for no good reason. The old ‘bitches be crazy’ excuse rarely sits well with me.

Getting off my feminist high horse, you seem to have a lot of doubts for a relationship that’s only a year in! Can I ask how old you are?  

Post # 7
Member
3002 posts
Sugar bee

I would be kinda bothered by this. The “hey you” reply is flirtatious. That’s not how you reply to someone you are trying to shut down. You don’t say “hey you!..what reminded you of me?” thus continuing the conversation. Instead you say something like “Hi, cool, hope all is well” or better yet, you don’t reply at all.

I’m not saying he definitely would have cheated on you with her if the conversation had continued…more likely than not his ego was wounded when she ghosted him and so he was intrigued to hear she had him on her mind and he wanted to know more.

Do you have any underlying trust issues with your boyfriend? Does he have a pattern of engaging in flirty or shady behavior with other women? If so then I would def be very bothered by this. If not, I’d be inclined to think of it as a one-off and try to move past it…though def give him a swift kick in the butt over the “hey you” crap.

Post # 8
Member
4983 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

needadviceplease81 :  I’m with most of the others in that I think this isn’t a big deal.  Sure he wasn’t 100% accurate with the details, but it seems it was all harmless.  It’s not like she stopped talking and he kept going, trying to get her attention back or something, the conversation dropped.  It’s over.

I’m actually a bit more concerned about the other details you are putting in – it’s like you’re nitpicking to try to find something wrong or justify your discomfort.  Do you want to find something wrong?  Is your relationship bothering you? Him being cheap or not saying I love you fast enough have absolutely nothing to do with this text conversation, so what was the point?  If you think it through and realize that there is just something you’re not okay with, that’s totally alright – I just wonder if that’s crossed your mind.

FWIW, I didn’t say ‘I love you’ for more than a year and made it very clear to my husband that I’d be freaked the hell out if he said it too soon.  He may have loved me sooner, but he let me go first.  I had a boyfriend before him who had a nightmare about me walking away (literally that was his dream), resulting in his saying he loved me (maybe 4 months in) and it was just one more thing on the pile that helped me know I had to end it.  It was way too soon and I knew he had no idea what love was.  I’d rather wait until someone is sure than have them say it early to humor me.  So I think your guy waiting 8 months is normal, if not early, though there are plrenty of others who claim love much sooner, of course, and that’s fine for them.

Post # 9
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

This is not a healthy relationship.

You had problems with him being too cheap? Wow. That’s ridiculously shallow. I can’t even process that.

You went through his phone even though HE told YOU about the message?? Relationship rule number one, no trust = no relationship. He might have told a white lie here to prevent you from reacting like this, but he did nothing wrong.

You clearly don’t trust him whatsoever. I say do him a favour and leave if you honestly feel like this over a simple innocent message.

Post # 10
Member
43 posts
Newbee

The “hey you” bit is not okay. Twisting the truth when relaying information is also not okay. I don’t think this is reason to end things or that trust issues can’t be worked through, but it also sounds like he is emotionally immature.

Post # 12
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

If my ex msgd me and I am in a happy healthy relationship I would never care about what reminded me of him as that literally sounds like some BS line to get me chatting and even if it wasn’t I wouldn’t care.

So guess he could be curious but since she ghosted him he could have some left over feelings as well 

Post # 13
Member
5145 posts
Bee Keeper

needadviceplease81 :  The not telling he loved you until 8 months is a separate issue and not that big of one.

The lying about how the message played out is something that I would worry about.

Post # 15
Member
4550 posts
Honey bee

Beware of a guy who goes on about how different and better you are than his exes, this can be a subtle form of manipulation, grooming you to re-inforce these differences.

By saying you’re so much more chill than his insecure exes, he’s conditioning you to seek praise from him for your chill-ness, to the point where you’ll swallow any doubts and suspicions rather than voicing them at risk of him being mistaken sigh, I thought you were different, but you’re acting jealous just like my ex did. Encouraging you to under-react to things you really shouldn’t be okay with, encouraging you to play the Cool Girl role he’s groomed you for. 

As for you being more ‘stable’ than anyone he’s ever dated, while there’s a chance he’s had a bad experience or two, I’m inclined to think this is more manipulative grooming on his part. So you’ll hesitate to question him or argue with him, trying to be a Stepford Girlfriend who never gets upset, never gets mad, never gets moody or pissy or calls him on any bullshit or complains about anything. 

Also, if he lied to you about the contents of the text messages back and forth, how can you trust his version of how they broke up or anything else he says about her? Add his inherent stinginess and pettiness, and he doesn’t sound like much of a keeper. 

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