Should I be concerned/set boundaries?

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I, honestly, wouldn’t loose more thoughts about it.

It seems to me that she finally realized that things are over and it can hurt to see that your ex has someone else now. She should have kept that to herself, though and should have gotten over it long before.

I can just talk from my perspective. When I broke up wiht my ex-boyfriend and got together with my now-husband, I was sure about the fact that I didn’t want to get together with him and was in love with my now-husband, but still stayed in touch with my ex and it for sure hurt seeing him with a new girlfriend.

As he seems to communicate openly and honest about his contact with her and they’ve arranged the meeting before he got exclusive with you, I would just do nothing for now. You can kind of “keep an eye on it”, but not letting it bother you.

Post # 3
7731 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Since he has been honest and upfront i think you don’t have any reason not to trust him. She might have an issue with it, but if he is a man of integrity he will shut it down. If he doesn’t, then he’s a piece of crap and you don’t want to be with someone like that anyway. Since this was all planned before you all got together I think it’s fine to let it be this time. Going forward, perhaps it would be good to discuss with your boyfriend what will take place in the future.

Post # 4
910 posts
Busy bee

minnewanka :  I agree with your sister; there wasn’t a problem until the ex’s reaction to him being with you.

This isn’t about jealousy or whether you trust your boyfriend. He’s been up front with you about having this visit scheduled, and you trust him not to cheat. That’s a very good sign for your relationship.

At this point, though, I think he needs to consider whether the visit is still a good idea, given his ex’s behavior. She is obviously upset that he’s with you, and she thought she needed to protect his “feelings” by hiding her own relationship. What “feelings”? She’s obviously still holding onto the idea that there are feelings there, mutual or one-sided. This situation has become complicated and muddled, and due to that, I think you’d be well within your rights to ask him if he might reconsider meeting up with her. 

The reasons for doing so? She’s still too emotionally entangled. He may have completely innocent intentions for the meetup, but she may not. For propriety’s sake, for appearances, and in an effort not to lead her on, he should cut off contact at this point.

Just a note: You can certainly bring up your concerns. That’s what communication in a relationship is all about; you should feel comfortable expressing yourself. But… If he reiterates that you have nothing to worry about and he’s comfortable setting boundaries with his ex and still meeting up with her, I would let it go. This is not a hill to die on. 

For the record, I do believe that some exes can remain friends. This situation is unbalanced and emotionally-taut, though, and until they can truly function as friends (and not as sexual partners or jealous exes), they need to take a break. 

Post # 5
741 posts
Busy bee

minnewanka :  I would say you have incredible patience and maturity. At this point, it sounds like you’ll have to wait and see when he comes back from his trip. Hopefully his meeting up with her is the last time he plans to do so. If not, I believe I would be concerned. I know everyone is different, but out of respect for my relationship with my fiancé, I couldn’t imagine meeting up with an ex who still had feelings for me—what’s the point? I have plenty of friends who aren’t exes I can hang with. It sounds like the relationship with her was never fully dissolved, based on her reaction to his dating you. Hopefully this trip allows him to sort out his feelings for her, and he puts an end to the relationship so that he can move forward with you. 

Post # 6
4387 posts
Honey bee

Boundaries are almost always a good thing.

However, I don’t think it is your place to decide for him what his boundaries with her should be.  And honestly, it sounds like he is doing a pretty good job of defining his boundaries with her in the first place, so I’m not sure why you would interfere with that when he has clearly demonstrated he is capable of it and communicated it to her clearly.

You either trust him or you don’t.  If you don’t then you shouldn’t be with him in the first place.  You claim that you do and he’s given you no reason not to. 

You can certainly tell him how you feel about certain things, but then it is up to him to decide that he respects your feelings and set a boundary.  So likewise, he either respects you or he doesn’t.  If he acts in a manner that shows he doesn’t want to set a boundary or has no regard for your feelings then your job is to decide whether you want to be with a person like that, not to actually set the boundary for him like you’re his mom or a school principal deciding the rules for a little kid.

Post # 7
1737 posts
Bumble bee

I personally think she needs to get over him and he needs to cut contact to help that happen. They broke up but are still putting each other’s feelings first. I dont’ know, I think it’s weird. If I were in your boyfriend’s shoes, I would cancel the trip to see her out of respect for you and courtesy to her. 

Post # 8
80 posts
Worker bee

I’ll start by saying your boyfriend seems incredibly trustworthy based on how open he has been with you… But personally, I think I would be bothered by it. Not because he’s friends with an ex, I think that can be fairly normal for most people in the same social circle, but because the way you’ve described their relationship it’s as if it never permanently ended and her weird reaction to him dating you. They’ve had each other on the back burner for some time and in the past, when they met up it it wasn’t just as friends because they shared intimacy as well and have conversed about possibly getting back together. I just think sometimes we out grow relationships and what once was perfectly appropriate and fine doesn’t always stay that way. I wouldn’t worry about it for this trip as it was planned before meeting you, however in the future I’m not really sure it’s a relationship that needs to continue… However, if it does, maybe one boundary is that you are included in their visits vs them meeting up alone??

Post # 12
224 posts
Helper bee

Personally, I wouldn’t be ok with this, especially because it sounds like they would have slept together on this trip for sure had it not been for you or her alleged boyfriend.  I think it’s time to cut the chord.  Just because someone is honest about who they’re with doesn’t mean they’ll be honest about what they did with that person.  Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I would not be playing the “cool girl” with this. 

Post # 13
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Unless I missed something, you hooked up with your friend before you got together with your boyfriend, so I’m not understanding what you’d have to feel guilty about or why it would “color things going forward”? I also think your sister is overreacting and you should not let her interfere with your relationship, even though she has good/protective intentions.

Your boyfriend has been upfront with you about everything. He told you he loves you. You’ve met his family. I assume you agreed you would date exclusively. I think he sounds like a great guy, and you are more likely to push him away by trying to set boundaries for him with his ex than anything. It’s like if you were in a store, just browsing, and a security guard came up to you and told you “you’d better not steal anything! I’m keeping tabs on you!” You’d be pissed and hurt that they suspected you of doing something wrong when you were just minding your own business.  

If his ex moves back to the US and is inappropriate in how she behaves towards him or you, then you and he can have a mature conversation about how that makes you feel and how you both think he should handle it. In the meantime, I think you’re doing the exact right thing – don’t interrogate him about what he’s doing with her, keep it cheery and warm. He’s texting you regularly. He wants you. Be the non-drama home base that he gets to come back to. Sure, there’s a chance that she is jealous or doesn’t want to let him go entirely, but that’s on her. He’s the one whose feelings and actions matter, and either you trust him or you don’t. 

Post # 14
62 posts
Worker bee

This sounds a lot like my first serious relationship. We dated for 10 year and never fought. In the end though we were just like roommates who occassionally had sex. I loved him but we didn’t mature as a partnership and the thought of buying property and raising kids together just seemed wrong. So we split. 

When I started dating someone after I kept it off social media for a long time because I didn’t want to hurt him. I had no interest in getting back together, but I had moved on quickly so I thought it wasn’t cool. 

We never met up but we kept in touch for years. We exchanged emails and texted every now and then. Whenever something major happened to someone in our lives we always kept the other up to date. We just never talked about our dating lives. 

When I saw on facebook that he had a new girlfriend I will admit, I was a little sad. I knew I didn’t want him back and it honestly looked like she was a good fit for him. He and I had been so close for so long though that it was hard to see someone in fill my place. We sort of lost touch not long after they started dating. 

Amicable breakups are not the norm, but they do happen. I have a lot of love and respect for my ex and I wish him well. We did sort of naturally fade further away from each other after the breakup and I imagine that will happen for your guy and his ex. 

Your guy sounds like a really respectful man. He told you about this situation right from the beginning. I am willing to bet he feels a little bit weird about seeing her without having you with him, but since this was planned before you came around he likely does not want to cancel and make it into a bigger deal that it is. You can learn a lot about a person by how they treat and talk about their ex. He sounds like a good guy

Post # 15
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

minnewanka :  Since your boyfriend is being honest and upfront about all this, it tells me there is nothing left of his feelings for this girl to be worried about. However, I still would not be okay with him meeting up with her-  she obviously does still have feelings for him, that’s why she freaked out when you posted the pics of you and him together. He should not be putting himself in this position with someone who still has feelings. Not just out of respect for your relationship, but to send the message to her that it’s over. 

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