Should I be concerned/set boundaries?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
4689 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I wouldn’t be ok with this. She dumped him because she felt a need to be free, moved to Europe, he tried to get back with her/suggested getting back together upon her return home and got rejected again. Only then did he say he would be dating others. He is hung up on her, possibly still in love with her and wants to keep the door open. When a man loves a woman he doesn’t want to spend time with an ex, there is no need to. This isn’t so much about putting boundaries up for him, it’s about having enough self-respect and boundaries for yourself to say “no, this behavior is not ok. If we are in a relationship, building a future together, there is no room for another woman.” But you seem to be ok with it all so that’s good. Wish you luck.

I know the “waiting on tenderhooks seeing if I get dropped” was supposed to be a joke but you are 30 years old. Don’t wait on anyone to make decisions for you. Set standards for people in your life, know what you want out of a relationship, your future and don’t settle for anything less.

Post # 34
Member
4689 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

minnewanka :  who cares about your ex. Maybe he was just fishing for a quick hook up. Concentrate on whats happening in the present relationship.

Post # 38
Member
1191 posts
Bumble bee

minnewanka :  There are nice guys out there. There’s nothing in your story that would suggest your bf would do any inappropriate. I wouldn’t be 100% comfortable if I was in your shoes, but I would choose to trust him if he hasn’t given me reasons to doubt him. There’s nothing else you can really do but hope for the best. I wouldn’t waste my time worrying about it. Why cause reasons to potentially drive yourself crazy thinking about something you can’t control by letting ppl tell you how you should feel and react. If he cheats on your or jeopardize your relationship, that’s his lost and you will find out he isn’t it. I’m in the mindset set that if someone doesn’t want me, I don’t want them. If someone chose to treat me like I don’t matter, then there’s the door, bye. I’m not going to be your mom and control you.

Trust your gut and your instincts. We all have a past and I’m sure those years they had together was there as a clutch for him because he hasn’t met anyone he could see himself with til you came along. I think it’s honestly just a habit and I hope he gets his closure after hanging out with her. Don’t waste your time worrying about something when there hasn’t been reasons for you to worry since you’ve been together.

Post # 42
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

minnewanka :  I think regardless of the details of him and his ex and how they are in touch etc. To me being in touch with an ex isn’t something I want in my life. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to still be in touch with any of his exes. Why? Because its just not necessary. No one is that desperate for friends that they NEED to remain frends with ex’s. To me its playing with fire, and just not necessary. 

If I were in your situation I would just make some simple boundaries with him. 

– No more trips with the ex, no more constant communication, no disucssion of either’s relationships. 

He wanted to get back with her before he met you (That would really bother me as that means feelings are more fresh) She literally thinks she deserves to be informed by an ex that he is in a new relationship? What?!! Umm YOUR BROKEN UP, you don’t get to be informed about their new relationships. Why? Because that is giving her an entitlement as if she is in anyway still important in his life, which she shouldn’t be. An ex isn’t entitled to anything about the other persons life or information. And neither he nor his ex should be discussing their relationships with each other. That creates a sense of intimacy that is inappropriate. I would never call up or text my ex to tell him about my current relationship, that is so inappropriate and if my boyfriend did that with an ex of his I would feel really betrayed by that. A relationship should be a priority and protected. You aren’t protecting your relationship if your talking about it with an ex. NO. 

Just tell your boyfriend that youve been cool about his ex because he had the trip planned before you met him but you would appreciate it if he put appropriate boundaries in place out of respect for his relationship with you. No trips, don’t talk to her about his relationship with you, no more informing her of milestones in your relationship. 

Personally I don’t think he should have any contact with her whatsoever but hopefully he will let her fade off into the sunset on his own. 

Post # 44
Member
10580 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

minnewanka :  

I sure can’t imagine how it could have gone better, Bee!  Great update!

It’s always nice when we get follow ups.  Especially good ones!  Enjoy!  He sounds like a def keeper.

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