Post # 1
Okay lovely bees. This is my first post so bare with me. I’m a 21-year old senior going to a school in South Carolina while my boyfriend lives in our hometown in New Jersey. My boyfriend just turned 22 and we’ve been dating for over 5 years (high school sweethearts). This long distance relationship has been going on for 3 and 1/2 years. We go about 3 weeks without seeing each other and then someone would make the trip to visit. After countless trips and endless nights without each other I am finally going to be moving back to New Jersey in 3 months after graduating. My boyfriend is fantastic and I know he is the one for me. I know that 21 and 22 are very young ages to get engaged but I feel like I am ready to move forward in our relationship. My boyfriend on the other hand.. he wants to wait a couple more years. Am I crazy for being disappointed to hear this? I understand that he wants to get more established but I am just so ready to just be engaged not even married yet just the commitment and the next step. Any thoughts?
This topic was modified 2 years ago by pinkpenguin7. Reason: Change of title
Post # 2
I know it’s not what you want to hear, but he is right. You are so young and if he is the one, he will still be the one in a few years. Don’t you want him to feel completely ready when proposes? Try to relax and enjoy this new phase of your relationship, it will be the first time you are local as adults.
Post # 3
youngandhopefulformrsc : of course it’s okay to feel disappointed but I think in the long run you’ll be glad you waited. It’s far better to get established in a career, put some savings away, and even get to know each other again, because being apart can make it hard to see how you’ve both changed over the years. Just enjoy being together and figuring out life and worry about adding another complication later.
Post # 4
Belichick : Thank you for your feedback. I understand exactly where he’s coming from. I’m just so excited for the next part and have been planning since a little girl just like many of the bees on here. Thank you again for your words it defintiely made it feel better.
Post # 5
skunktastic : Thank you :). I think that’s what I need. I’m so ready and excited and eager to start life since school is almost over but you’re right I need to focus on re”starting” our relationship so that in the future it can be stronger.
Post # 6
I was in a similar situation (although my SO is a few years older than I) and moved in with him post grad. We made it easier by discussing a timeline for those events and agreed on it, while it takes some of the surprise out (I don’t mind – not big on surprises) it makes it easier to wait know he’s planning on it and that it will happen in x amount of time. For us we felt that 8-12 months after me moving in would be good
Give yourself time to settle in a new place and living with him! It’s now always easy and you’ll have to get used to that first. I didn’t think I would be ready for the next step for at least a year (and surprised myself being ready after only a couple months) but knowing that did not follow our timeline I didn’t push him to propose sooner. I did let him know that I was ready if he wanted to. I also think it would help to discuss when you want to be married as that dictated our timeline. Ex: he wanted to be married in June/July and I want at least 1.5 years to plan. He didn’t want to wait till 2020 to be married so we settled on aiming for 2019, and that shortened our timeline (if he proposed at the end I would have less time to plan vs at the beginning giving me plenty of time). Now we’ve agreed simply that it’ll be before our 4 year anniversary (end of March).
I know that some people don’t like timelines but it works for us as we were both involved in choosing it and deciding on the future of our relationship. And have continued to talk about it, updating it as time has gone by and feelings have changed. You may also want to consider that he could need time to save for the ring, I know my SO started saving a year in advance of me moving, as that’s when we started these conversations.
Post # 7
I would wait, you’ll still be just as together whether you’re engaged or not.
IMO, you haven’t had enough time together in person as adults to justify jumping on the engagement train. The highschool years don’t “count” so to speak (highscool relationships are very very different than your typical relationship) and LD is way different than living day in and day out with someone every day. So while you’ve been together 5 years technically, it’s not the same as someone who has been living with a spouse as an adult for 5 years, if that makes sense? Not to devalue your relationship, but just to say I think there is room to spend some more time together before engagement.
Enjoy each milestone as it comes instead of rushing to the next.
Post # 8
Although it’s exciting to look forward to an engagement, you seem to be skipping over “looking forward to just be dating in the same city”. Living with a boyfriend comes with it’s own set of challenges/compromise and honestly you need to make sure that you’re still compatible as you get older. As pp mentioned, as you get older and “find yourself” you won’t be the same person you were in high school, and neither will he. Hopefully you’ll grow well together and it will be the reassurance that he’s looking for that you two are genuinely compatible in a “non-long distance relationship”.
As someone who got engaged during a long distance relationship, I was completely disappointed once we started living together and saw that he really wasn’t the same person as he was during visits. (Ultimately I broke off the engagement, also that was about 10 years ago!). Hopefully that won’t happen to you guys, but I would definitely lay off being in the “waiting stage” for a little while and just enjoy your time together in the same place first. If you need to plan something, plan a vacation! Start saving money though, my “wedding savings” ended up being a hefty down payment on a house that myself and Darling Husband moved into.
Post # 9
youngandhopefulformrsc : My now Darling Husband and I also got engaged at a youngish age (both 23) after doing long distance. However, after our year of dating long distance, we had moved in together straight away and lived together for over a year before he proposed. I totally get your excitement, but I would for sure suggest taking some time to really see how you and your relationship have matured, as you have been doing long distance for quite a while now. And there is no rush, like PP’s have said you want him to be 100% ready when he proposes and not feel pressured! If you are really going to spend the rest of your lives together, there is no need to do things before you both are ready. Are you planning on moving in together when you live in the same city again?
Post # 10
You guys are so young and there’s no need to rush! Even if you are meant for each other it’s ok if he doesn’t quite feel ready to get engaged yet. I was the same as him, I was committed but I just needed to take it slow. If you’re ready for a next step then think of ending the long-distance as the next step! That’s super exciting! You don’t have to do all the changes at once, first of all just enjoy and experience being able to see each other on a daily basis. Taking it one thing at a time will spread out the happiness 🙂
Post # 11
sapphire27 : Thank you for your advice and not right away because we want to save up on money and not worry about money issues when it comes to buying a house or a future wedding. But we live about 2 minutes away from each other in the same city (both with our parents).
I definitely see a different eye about this whole situation. And yes Im still ansy about it because it’s every girl’s dream but you guys are all right I want him to be 100% and it be the only one.
Post # 12
He’s right. You have so much growing to do and self discovery. You’ll bring a lot more to the relationship after you’ve gone out and experienced life.
It sounds like your bf has zero interest in holding you back. If that’s the case, he’s a gem.
Post # 13
sassy411 : Yeah he definitely is a gem and a keeper 🙂 thank you all!
Post # 14
- Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA
slomotion : “Enjoy each milestone as it comes instead of rushing to the next.” This is pure wisdom. This sentence should be pinned to the waiting board.
Post # 15
Well here’s the thing — you have never had a true adult relationship, as in, living in the same area and seeing each other consistently. Sure you had high school…but that was high school. Way different. LDR’s can create rose colored glasses where your time with them is spent basically like a vacation every time. And yes you have a history and a past…I do get that…but an adult relationship is vastly different than a teenage relationship.
I was in a LDR for 3 years in my early 20’s. Stayed too long with a guy who wasn’t the right guy for me.