Post # 1
Words can’t even describe how disgusting I feel inside right now.
I’ve been with this man going on 5 years now. He’s all I’ve ever known, as we started dating when I was 22.
I could write a novel right now about all of these red flags I’ve been experiencing, but it all comes down to this moment…
Last night, I was laying in bed next to him trying to sleep and dreaming about meeting someone and falling in love again. While I was right next to him. That’s something I haven’t done since I was single, and a teenager thinking about a crush.
I woke up this morning, waited till he went to work, and I cried for about 2 hours. Thank goodness I didn’t have to work today.
I have been struggling with depression lately, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it.
He’s my best friend, and I think I’d be lost without him. May sound surprising after reading what I just wrote, but maybe that’s the problem. He’s my “best friend”.
If I was in love and with “the one” would I be having these thoughts? I keep trying to justify what I did. “I’ve never really lived, and he’s all I’ve ever known” “We’re just not in the honeymoon stage anymore” “It’s normal after being together that long” etc. etc.
I just don’t understand WHY I feel this way. He’s an amazing, kind man.
Post # 2
It might be because he would make a better friend than a lover to you. Except now you have become attached to the emotional security he gives you and you’re scared to be alone since you have not had enough time to be on your own to develop a strong independent sense of self.
I actually felt exactly the same way you do when I was with my college sweetheart. He was one of the most kindest and giving guys I have ever known and I felt I must be totally in love with him. But I found myself having nightmares about being married to him and then running into my true soulmate sometime in the future, and finding myself stuck with my ex. I can tell you with my DH, even after being together for almost 10 years he still gives me goosebumps when I look at him and we are even more crazy about each other today than when we first started dating. I NEVER have any of the nightmares I did with my ex or wonder what it would be like to be with someone else.
Only you can decide if this relationship is right for you. But some of the red flags you wrote are pretty serious and something you should look at to figure out what it is you really want.
Post # 3
NO. Sorry, I dont think this is the way you should be feeling. When I fell in love with my husband I was head over heels in love and lust. That feeling has lasted many years. I was married once before and those feeling faded fast. I can only say I am so happy I wanted for someone who made me feel this way. Please don’t cheat yourself of those feelings. Trust me marriage is a mixed bag and having feelings like that can really help when times are down. And they will be………
Post # 4
Wait… actually DREAMING or fantasizing?
Post # 5
You’ve been together 5 years and yeah the honeymoon phase is over. I too sometimes live too much in the past when relationship felt more exciting instead we are now more in routine after 4 years together. I don’t know why men get lazy with woman they love…. date nights now consist of just dinner and nothing really exciting, compliments are nonexistent and sex becomes scheduled with no real excitement aside from the football game that’s going on behind me! ha
Don’t feel too bad about feeling like you do. I think you’re calling this nightmare because this is new feeling for you and since you love him so much is scares you that you’re having these ‘nightmares’ about your relationship especially before marriage.
You’re just familiar to your fiancé and so the excitement is gone! he’s just comfortable with you so he doesn’t feel like he has to try anymore and you feel the difference and beating yourself up for it with nightmare you had.
Post # 6
I dream about exes occasionally but I want nothing to do with them in reality. I think you may be over thinking this one. I have strange dreams all the time with people from my past, people I don’t know, etc. Our minds just wander, relax.
Post # 7
If he’s all you’ve ever known and you feel this way then you should seriously consider ending it. I too had a college/high school sweetheart who was so kind and giving, and after a while the sparks faded. And I kept thinking “is this it??” We even got engaged. Because I thought that’s what we were supposed to do. It took a lot of guts and swallowing of pride, but I broke up with him. After I did, I dated for a long time, even dated some losers, until I met Mr.GoldenBrown. You owe it to yourself to be happy.
Post # 8
1. I completely disagree with bees saying this is to be expected and normal. Compliments and romantic date nights should not fade, neither should super expressive sex! I’ve been with dh since I was 21, so I’m similar to you in that way. I’m 29, and honestly we’re still just as in love if not moreso. He still surprises me with romantic things all the time, and I still do sweet things for him, just tonight we went out on a spontaneous date. The idea that it all fades is super depressing and not true in my experience.
2. I would not brush off the fact that you’re dealing with depression. I’m not sure you should make any major life decisions until your depression is under control. Things might look completely different when you’re back to your old self.
Post # 9
Sorry, I should’ve used a better choice of word, but fantasizing!
Post # 10
That’s what I hear. That you love them just as much, if not more, as time goes by. For me, it is not going in that motion.
Thank you for your story, it really puts mine into perspective
Post # 11
Thank you! I think that’s why it’s so hard to end it because he IS an incredible person. Maybe just not the person for me…
I’m so confused.
Post # 12
9 years with my man and am still excited to see him everyday after work.
Our relationship is full of kisses, cuddles, cute texts and lotsa sex 🙂
Even with a home to tend to and busy jobs and ‘life’ stuff we still have an incredible spark.
So no, OP.
Post # 13
My mindset is definitely not where it should be in all aspects of my life, so I’m hoping I can find some clarity once I start feeling better. Especially some clarity in this HUGE aspect of my life.
Post # 14
My heart goes out to you. I don’t think the answer is available to us with the little information you provided – on the one hand, you might be experiencing understandably complicated emotions just because he’s the only person you’ve ever been with and you feel like you’re missing out (even though he’s the one for you)… or you could be realizing that deep down, this isn’t what you want. I sincerely and strongly encourage you to talk to someone who can help you sort through your feelings – ideally a therapist, but otherwise a trusted friend or family member. You owe it to both yourself and your fiance to figure out what will really make you happy.
Post # 15
Oh my god! don’t leave your Fiance just because you had a dream! That’s insane! sweetie look, that feeling of butterflies in your stomach and that he is your absolute soulmate happens for a short period of time—but mostly it’s just in the movies. relationships take work and with life feelings and circumstances change…we are ever evolving! And a lot of people will tell you tp go out there and find someone that can make you feel like a princess all day every day…that is unrealistic expectations. I suffered from depression, I was with my ex for 6 years and that entire time I knew he wasn’t the one—he was abusive mentally and physically. You say your Fiance is wonderful then I think you need to focus on what you like about him because depression can make everything seem so dark…I have been with my current Fiance for almost 5 years I know he is the man I am going to marry but some days it’s hard to see that…we both have parents that are still married for 30+ years…so our foundation is strong but it’s definitely not your fault that you had a dream…don’t put much emphasis on it.