(Closed) Should I be feeling this way if I TRULY love my fiancé?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
5145 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

“Never fighting” is not a good thing if the reason you don’t fight is because you are passive and don’t stand up for your own opinions, preferences, and so on, because he is a “control freak” as you describe or whatever else.

Honestly, your update to me tells me this relationship has run its course and hit its wall and your heart and brain know it, but you are scared to let go. “Tired” is not normal or healthy, and feeling that way in a relationship CAN affect your entire life outlook.

As for romance, my husband and I have been together over 8 years. Our relationship has only grown richer over time, the romance – meaning verbal and physical affection, the emotional connection deeper than ever. Sure, life has thrown some shitty stuff our way but that “us” is tighter than ever. We accept and love each other completely for who we are – no “losing ourselves”. To the contrary, we are our most honest and true selves with each other.

I find it sad when I read people expect their relationships to decline and don’t expect better.

Post # 32
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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maggie9742 :  I’m a believer in following your gut.  Listen to your intuition. 

Just because he’s a good person doesn’t mean he’s the one for you forever.  It doesn’t make him a bad person because you’re no longer in love with him.  First, be honest with yourself.  Then, be honest with him. 

You can start over.  If the thought of starting over fresh in your life fills you with a sense of freedom and joy, rather than sadness and dread, then you’ll have your answer.

Post # 33
1932 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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maggie9742 :  having read your update I think your relationship is completely over and there’s no sense to delay breaking off the engagement. This is completely not the man you should marry!! Not all relationships stand the test of time and it’s really not that big a deal, it is much better to realise it and do something about it now than on the altar or later.

Post # 34
3 posts

I can relate to a similar situation, Bee. 

I was with an ex for 4 years. The last year, I had the same exact feelings you do. I didn’t feel that same spark, the connection, the chemistry. I should’ve listened to my head and not my heart. It took me the better part of a year to find the strength to walk away. 

I waged internal battles with myself, as I’m sure you are. I knew I loved this man. Not only as my best friend, but also as a person. But the issue was that I wasn’t IN LOVE with him like I once had been. We began fighting over the littlest things, and everything about him began to irritate me beyond belief. 

When I thought about my future, it helped me make the decision to leave the relationship. I couldn’t see myself with him. I couldn’t imagine the wedding, having kids, growing old together. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was painful and even today when I look back at it, it still hurts knowing that I hurt him. 

Shortly after ending my relationship, I met my Fiancé. I cannot tell you how much I realized in just a few short months with this wonderful man. Eventually the right person will come along, maybe when you least expect them to, and suddenly it will all make sense. 

It’s hard. I totally sympathize with you. But it sounds as though your heart isn’t in it anymore. You’ve already started to separate yourself from the relationship. You owe it to him and to yourself to just be completely honest. The longer you draw things out, the harder it becomes to find the strength to walk away. My heart definitely goes out to you. Be strong. You owe it to yourself to find your happiness. 

Post # 35
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Look up “engagement anxiety” – it’s something i went through and it’s pretty terrible but knowing that there’s a name for it and you’re not nutty is worth spades.

Post # 36
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Come on… no one really believes that what you dream about is a serious gauge of your inner feelings?

Post # 37
6940 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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DanaWeddingGuest :  Again, she didn’t “dream” these things. She was fantasizing while fully awake about meeting someone else. Read her updates. This isn’t the only concern. 

Post # 38
54 posts
Worker bee

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RayKay :  THIS.

Your red flags sound a lot like my ex.  It was always small things.  A “I can’t believe you let the pork go bad” here, a “Why can’t you ever remember to lock the back door” there.  But then I found myself getting lectures about how to load the dishwasher and being treated like a child, and things continued to go poorly, even when I told him he was hurting my feelings.  I realized I was no longer my own person, and that I had allowed myself to be absorbed into his personality. 

I was with him for 6 years, and when I brought it up at counseling, my psychiatrist pointed out that my ex most likely had OCPD.  You should look up the symptoms and see if your Fiance fits.  My ex fit almost every one.  Reading about it was like reading about him.  I got out very quickly after that, as people with the condition rarely improve, even with extensive therapy.

Post # 39
2848 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

It sounds like your relationship has run its course. 

Post # 40
9 posts

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monkey89 :  GREAT ADVISE!!!!!!!!! very well said. It is sad that people will say “oh no, you dont feel the same than it is over or it he is not for you” when these are real phases that heppen in life with relationships. There will be many obstacles in relationships and calling it quits to someone who is good to you because you dont feel as excited -is just silly. Those feelings will always come and go as you spend the rest of your life with one person.

Post # 41
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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maggie9742 :  no one can control their dreams!! I don’t care what anyone says it’s a fact!!!!!! I’m sorry you’re having these dreams but again they are just dreams… I think everyone is guilty of this we all have dreams we just can not control… 

Post # 42
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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eliuuuu :  +1 for engagement anxiety. I also went through this and it’s definitely worth looking into if you want to dig more deeply.

Post # 43
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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maggie9742 :  ok the words “I’ve lost myself” resonated big time. I have walked out on 2 long term relationships because I felt the way you do….sort of blah about the future, a bit depressed etc. I blamed work and other factors… but when I left the relationships those dark feelings lifted like a cloud! 

Feeling stuck in a relationship could absolutely make you feel down. Some of us need to experience more partners as well- I remember saying to the boyfriend I had from 18-25 ” I just kinda want to put you in a box, explore the world, then come back for you”. i couldn’t cope with only knowing one partner (horrible thing to say to him also, we live and we learn). I would have always wondered what else was out there….so what else was out there? 

 Well…2 short but loving relationships where I learnt about myself, a very sexual fling where I honed my skills lol, a marriage that ultimately failed, and now I’m dating again. I am happier now than ever before. It will be ok xxxxx

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