(Closed) Should I be getting engaged at 17??

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

So if your mother jumped from a bridge and only broke her leg would you do it? You can’t compare you parents marriage to what your’s would be. I am sure your boyfriend isn’t like your father. 

Even if we tell you not to do are you going to listen to a bunch of strangers? Your own fathers said NO. And your not listening to him. But from what I gather I think you need both parents consent to get married before the age of 18 (I am not 100 percent though). Your not even old enough to vote for crying out loud. You think your mature enough to get married? You have a full time job? Does he? Rent is very expensive. How about utilities. Health insurance. Food. That’s just a little bit of adult life. Listen to your dad he not a stupid man. 

Post # 17
Member
6595 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

No. All arguments above aside (and they are all valid), I think anyone, no matter their age, should date longer than a year before getting married. In a year it’s easy to be your best person. It’s when you’re around them longer that you really start learning their true selves.

Add in age and I wonder if the two of you have ever gone into depth about anything. You can’t even vote. Have you discussed politics? Like really, deeply? You can’t drink. Have you discussed partying? Dancing with others? How late it’s acceptable to be out? Where and how you plan to live? Who does chores? Children? Discipline? Pets? Travel? Education? 

I was a mature teen too. Never did anything irresponsible. Had great plans for my future.  If I married the guy I was dating at your age I’d be married to an emotional abuser (I hope he’s grown up but he’s on his third marriage so I have my doubts). Or a gay man, as my other alternative. He didn’t know, how could I? Get to know him … for much longer. 

Post # 18
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My sister got engaged at 17 and married at 18 (her husband is 3 years older), but it was 15 years ago and she was almost finished with college. She has told me numerous times that she is very lucky that he turned out to be such a great guy because she was so young and he could have been or changed into someone awful and she wouldn’t have really known – life is just so different when you are that young and haven’t experienced a lot of things. They were able to support themselves, but struggled. She wouldn’t recommend it for any of her kids or anyone else – and it worked out for her.

Post # 19
Member
9811 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

No.  And no 17 year old is actually all that mature, despite what you may believe about yourself.  Wait until 25 or so to get married.  Pretty much everyone I know who married before 25 is now divorced. Except maybe one or two couples.

Post # 20
Member
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - Country/barn

If a family member was engaged at 17 and getting married at 18 I’d think they were crazy. I have never understood some people’s rush to get married! I sure as heck didn’t want to be married at that age. Or at 22 or at 25 for that matter. I’m 39 now and just married the one I’m meant to be wtih. What’s the rush? 

Post # 21
Hostess
8488 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Oh child, no. 

Post # 22
Member
6642 posts
Bee Keeper

kes18 :  Didn’t we all think we were incredibly mature at 17? And how wrong we were…

Post # 23
Member
4036 posts
Honey bee

No, you should be getting an education. Based on what you’ve written I’d say it’s imperative. 

Post # 24
Member
2644 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

kaitlin239 :  everyone is different. No one knows uf you are ready but you. You should definitely have a long engagement though and live with your bf/fiance for at least one full year before committing to marriage.

Post # 25
Member
270 posts
Helper bee

I would really advise you to wait. If you two are meant to be, your bond will only strengthen over time. Enough other people have said this but you two will both change so much over the next several years (you may not think so now, but I guarantee you will). A lot of people I know who married young ended up being cheated on or unhappy because they never got to experience what else was out there – not saying this would happen to you, but you both need to see if you’re really ready to settle down or if you need to experience the world more – or grow apart. 

You are also unlikely to have dealt with real world issues like money, living together, politics, work stress, etc, that really allow you to gauge compatibility. 

I would be curious to see what you think you’d gain by marrying now as opposed to dating? holding off would not prevent you from getting married in a few years if you both feel like it’s the right thing to do. 

Post # 26
Hostess
3831 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

My husband and I started dating when we were 18, but we finished college and grad school before we got married (27).  Lots of my friends were in very serious relationships in high school and college, and none of them are currently together.  My husband and I are the exception, and we work well together because we were (and still) supportive of each other being independent and were fortunate enough to grow together. 

I would not support a family member getting married at 18.  Continue to date, enjoy your relationship, but go to college, get a job, live independently (with roommates who are not your SO or on your own), and circle back to marriage down the road if you’re still happy together. 

Post # 27
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee

Absolutely not. You are a child 

Post # 28
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee

kaitlin239 :  My mother got married and had me at 17. She got divorced a couple of years later because at 17 she was way too immature to know how to pick a good man. 

At 17, I got engaged. Now, I had fallen for this guy and had been pining for him since I was 15, and so to me since I had loved him all through high school and we had a great relationship, I thought getting engaged was a good idea. I was wrong. As soon as we moved in together, at 18, the relationship became abusive. I moved out while I was still in high school to escape my emotionally and physically abusive parent, he had been kicked out of his home for much of high school by a parent who was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusing the female members of his family because he would stand up for them. We both had issues to deal with and were too immature to understand how. We ended up breaking up when we were 19. It was a bad breakup. Years later we reconnected, and he wanted to get back together. I refused because the person I was at 25 was not the same person I was at 17. I wanted different things, I was choosing different men. 

So I’m going to echo the bees when I say that you ought to not even think about engagement until you are about done with college. If you are so mature and serious about your future, you need to prioritize your education because that will help you to get a good job which will help you when you are married and having children together. It allows you the space to grow together, and the option to grow apart if you need to. 

Post # 29
Member
1983 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

kaitlin239 :  everyone has different timelines and different ages that are going to work for them. However, I find if you have to seek external validation then this decision isn’t right for you at this moment. The external validation isn’t just true for marriage but most major life decisions. For my current job, I needed a lot of external validation from my husband, my mum that it was a good job, good for me, good salary, had progression, blah blah blah. Guess what? It’s the wrong job for me and I’ve known since I started and it’s taking me a long time to rectify that situation. When something isn’t right you ask others to validate it, your gut is trying to get someone to articulate your feelings. When it’s the right time for you, you won’t even think about asking for external validation, especially from a bunch of internet strangers.

Post # 30
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would say no, I cannot tell you how much I changed as a person from that age until 25, I know you say you are mature for your age, as was I but I changed A LOT my goals changed, my needs changed, what I wanted out of life changed. You are SO SO young and you have a lot of life to live without being married yet. I got married at 30, but I would say I was really set in my life at 25, it’s better to wait a bit!

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