(Closed) Should I be offended?

posted 8 years ago in African-American
Post # 3
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It sounds like this “friend” has her own racial issues. She’s the one making race an issue…does she not like other races?

I would wait until something comes up in front of you and just mention something like, “I’ve noticed a little tension when we’re talking about racial issues, or when race gets brought up. Why is this?”

Maybe you’ll find out something you didn’t know. If you confront this “friend” and nothing comes of it then I would cut this person out of my life as much as possible. It seems so strange to me when people bring up race because I honestly see everyone as equal and I NEVER compare races unless it’s for scientific reasons like in biology class and even then I’m hesitant. Maybe it’s just me, but I cannot tolerate people bringing race into the picture as an “issue” on a regular basis.

I’m sorry you have to deal with such an ignorant person. Hopefully you can work this out.

Post # 4
Member
567 posts
Busy bee

i’m not a.a., so i couldn’t say if it was right for you to comment or not.

however, the comment your friend made about your relationship sounds prejudiced.  she may be harboring some negative feelings about your relationship.  i would ask her about it in a concerned (not angry) way.  if she confirms it, i would definitely terminate my friendship if it were me. 

people are entitled to their own opinions, but i wouldn’t be friends with somebody that is bitter about my relationship, wether the bitterness is founded or not.

Post # 5
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

1.  its pretty rude to have a conversation with a group of people and then expect someone not to participate.  if your friend feels that you are unqualified to comment, why discuss the topic in front of you?

2.  as a black woman, i dont want to hear commentary from non-blacks on why marriage rates in the black community are low.  is this racist?  i dont think so.  its a touchy topic amongst black women.  unless you have research data to add, you opinion comes off as judgy, especially since you are married to a black man (well almost) and effectively telling a group of black women why they cant find black men of their own

3. in the black community, just like in the latino community, asian community, jewish community, etc, there is a strong affinity to marry within one’s ethnicity.  is there anything wrong with interracial marriages or relationships? of course not.  but i think you have completely missed the context of the situation.  you are a non-black, telling a group of black women why they arent married, and dating a black man.  sounds like a recipe for a tense conversation to me!

if these are your friends, you should be able to tell them how they made you feel.  and your feelings are valid.  im just giving you some perspective from a black women.

Post # 7
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee

“you are a non-black, telling a group of black women why they arent married, and dating a black man.  sounds like a recipe for a tense conversation to me!”

If her friend is going to get so upset about this, then conversation shouldn’t have been started at all. Did the OP launch the conversation? If she didn’t, I think it’s unreasonable and rather rude to expect her to sit by and quietly listen to other opinions and not contribute to a conversation just because of her race. Not to mention, clearly AA marriage affect her since her SO is AA. It’s not like she’s coming out of left field and has no understanding of the matter. If her friends don’t want to hear her opinion, they shouldn’t bring up the topic around her. End of story.

Also, do we know that the OP’s friends aren’t married? That they don’t have significant others? Was this really a conversation where the OP is in a relationship with a black man while none of the other women are coupled with someone? That seems pretty unlikely. Is it not possible for a conversation about a personal topic to take place objectively? I have a hard time believing that the OP was banding on about how she has an AA Boyfriend or Best Friend and this is why you other ladies don’t have one, etc. It sounds more like they were discussing the topic based on information and facts, and someone didn’t appreciate the source the information was coming from. That’s her problem, not the OP’s. Just my opinion, but I wouldn’t remain friends with someone who doesn’t take me seriously or appreciate my input based on the color of my skin. Again, that’s just me.

Post # 9
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

yeah…@artichoky, im guessing you didnt read my response completely, nor the OPs.  but its cool.  the topic of black women and marriage is very in vogue right now.  books, studies, cnn specials, etc.  im guessing you are unaware of this.  i was simply giving the OP the perspective of one black woman…not all black people, not all black women.

on another note, im so over people getting so touchy on all ethnicity related conversations.  all cultures are not the same.  why do people get so wierd when any topics related to race come up?  this whole “i dont see race and im not friends with people that consider race” idea is so very unrealistic.  its okay to talk about race and ethnicity as it relates to the american experience.  if the discussion makes you uncomfortable, bow out.  but please dont get all huffy, especially posting on a race-related board.

Post # 10
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ugh. I can’t stand AA women like that. There are great AA men out there and then there are not so great AA men out there. Sadly the not great ones get the most attention in the media so it seems like it’s impossible that a great AA man is out there.

I get the same crap from some AA men. They say “Whitey is taking all of our sista’s” Whatever. You can’t help who you fall in love with. And you can comment on anything you want. As long as it’s not racist, then who cares. It’s a discussion.

You have EVERY RIGHT comment on a discussion you are part of. So what if some AA women get touchy. It’s a discussion. They want to know why the marriage rate is so low but then can’t take an outside opinion? Sounds like some of them are insecure or perhaps deep down know why the rate is so low.

We need to stop believing all the crap out there about ourselves. Some say we are the less desired of all races. Tell that to my Irish boyfriend. He can’t keep his hands off me. They say we are welfare queens. I’m not. Sadly the system is broken and there are a lot of AA women out there who are just popping out kids for welfare. They are the ones who get the attention in the media. Those of us who finished school and have decent jobs don’t get the spotlight. Only the negative.

I can get into why I personally think the marriage rate is so low for AA women, but that’s for another thread that you would be welcomed to participate in. ^_^

Post # 11
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee

@jjilyeah: I can imagine that would be very hurtful. Certainly she would feel hurt if the roles were reversed. To me, that’s the sign that the friendship isn’t worth much effort. Friends should never make you feel that you’re not worthy, that your relationship is invalid, or that you represent a great ‘wronging’ in society. Even if she thought it, she NEVER should have said it.

Post # 12
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@FutureMrsMorgan:  you are killing it up in here so I wont add anything else.  

Post # 14
Member
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Okay, let me preface by saying I am not AA and I am not with an AA man. 

I do know that I would be very hurt if I found out my “friend” said something like that behind my back.  And it would be very hard for me to be around that “friend” after I found out she said that or feels that way. 

I think you have every right to feel hurt, because regardless of race, she is someone you trust and like, and she just proved that you have kind of made a mistake in trusting her. You don’t know what else she is saying behind your back.

It is completely up to you whether you want to remain friends with her, but if I were you, I don’t think I would trust her completely like you did before.

Post # 16
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@jjilyeah: OMG I have been introduced to a whole new way of cooking! I just thought you DRANK Guinness!
I made Guinness chocolate cake a few months ago. It’s regular chocolate cake mix with Guinness added and then you use vanilla vodka in the frosting. Sooooo yummy. And boxy pancakes.
Anyway, I hate the elitist attitude that some AA women have. I’m sorry that that woman said that about you and your relationship. THAT comment right there is what’s wrong in our community. Some AA women place the blame on everyone else.

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