Post # 1
Member
9 posts
Newbee
I’m a pretty good sport about looking at things and determining if it’s worth getting upset over or not. But for some reason I can’t seem to get over the way my Maid/Matron of Honor acted towards my mother recently.
In theory, the Maid/Matron of Honor hosts the shower and my Maid/Matron of Honor seemed up for the task, that is until the bill came in and she asked my mother to pay for it. Now, I have a few issues with her doing this. One she should have known all along that her elloborate plans were going to cost money and two she lied (in my opinion) to my mother by saying she didn’t have much money because she recently graduated college. Now, I know her income and she is by no mean ‘poor’, she has no student loans, her car is paid for and her rent is small. But what I think offends me the most is the fact that she never considered paying for it herself or else she wouldn’t have planned for lunch at one of the fanciest places in town. I think (again, I think) she planned the entire day knowing she could call up my mother and having her pick up the tab.
My mom stood up for herself and said would pick up the tab if she could host the shower the way she wanted to which is great but I still cannot get over the fact she thought she could plan a $1400 bridal shower (for 15 people mind you) and have my mother pay.
So should I be offended?
Post # 3
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
Wow. I don’t know if offended is the right word, but aggravated and confused — definitely. I’ve never heard of somebody insisting on hosting a party then insisting that somebody else pay for it like that. I’m under the impression that if you agree to host the shower, you agree to pay for it — you and the bridesmaids, anyway.
Post # 4
Member
9 posts
Newbee
I think that you are absolutely right Amy Sue (adorable name by the way)
I am not offended but rather flabbergasted at the oddness of the event. It’s so out of charecter for her and I’m just shocked.
Post # 5
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee
I don’t think of a shower as an obligation of the Maid/Matron of Honor… so she’s definitely not obligated to pay. But she should have been more diplomatic about the whole process!
If your mom is willing to plan and pay for the whole shower, maybe that’s a better way to go?
Post # 6
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
Agreed with MrBee. I wonder if the Maid/Matron of Honor was just confused about who’s supposed to pay vs plan, since the MoB is often involved but not supposed to officially host.
Post # 7
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
what?? that is beyond rude. *I* am offended on your behalf. I seriously doubt it’s about being confused as to who is paying, because if she didn’t think she was paying, then she should have asked the person she believed to be paying what the budget was before planning.
Good for your mom for standing up for herself.
Post # 8
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
I think that the person who planned it, should’ve planned the budget/expense and agree with the parties willing to chip in before anything was set. I would surely be aggrevated if I were you as well, so yes…I think you have a right to feel a little offended and disappointed.
Is this the first time she has been an MOH? Maybe she got some misiformation that the mother of the bride is suppose to pay for these events.
Post # 9
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
In my experience, all the guests pay for their own meal (assuming you are going out to eat) and chip in for the bride. I have never heard of either the Maid/Matron of Honor or the MOB having to pick up the entire restaurant tab. That would be awful.
Post # 10
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
I’m with Ms. Popcorn. I find it offensive as well!!! If my Maid/Matron of Honor did something like that, you better believe I would say something to her. If you expect someone else to pay, you better make sure you know what the budget is. Otherwise, prepare to open your own wallet. That’s just common sense and common courtesy!!!
I’m so glad that your Mom stood up for herself.
Post # 11
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
Wow! That’s pretty strange. However, if you say it seems out of character for her, I think the people on here who said maybe she got some bad information might be right. Maybe someone told her the bride’s parents ususally pay and that’s why she asked your mom.
My baby sister is my Maid/Matron of Honor and I would never expect her (or the other girls) to foot the bill individually. I’ve recommended a BBQ at my parents home where we could all pitch in for this very reason. Maybe you could suggest that you’d like something more agreeable to everyone’s budget to take the awkwardness out of the situation?
I’m sorry that happened though…that is pretty awful. It does sound like it will be a lovely shower though! 
Post # 12
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
I think that is shocking behavior! The Maid/Matron of Honor is certainly not obligated to foot the entier bill for the bridal shower…she can plan a more down to earth shower with contributions from family/bridal party/guests…but it is very rude of her to plan a fancy shower and then ask someone else to pay for it. Good think your mom set her straight
Post # 13
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
The Maid/Matron of Honor is definitely not required to host the shower. But I definitely think traditionally it is kind of an unspoken agreement. And usually the bridesmaids chip in. Any one else is welcome to do something as well. I have seen aunts/mothers/etc host the showers and the wedding party is not involved at all. However, if she planned the shower, she should not expect someone else to pay for it. She should have discussed everything beforehand with your mother. Not just assumed. It is extremely rude of her! Also, $1400 for 15 people is completely ridiculous. Good for your mother, telling her that she will pay for what she plans. As for the person above who said the guests pay, I think you are thinking of a bachelorette party? You NEVER ask invited guests of a shower to pay the bill. They bring the gifts, you treat them to the party. I would say let your mother handle the situation. It sounds like she won’t back down, and knows how to handle this.
Post # 14
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
It’s hard to tell what went on here without knowing what your MOH’s impression on who pays for what at a wedding might be. While it seems obvious to me that the person who hosts the party pays for the party, perhaps, as others have said, she thought the bride’s family pays for everything. Do you have other bridesmaids? If so, I’m surprised your mother didn’t tell her to collect the money from them.
Post # 15
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
@dreambml: Really? I guess I’ve had cheap hosts. 
Post # 16
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
Moondance, that’s really strange! I don’t blame you for feeling weird about the whole thing. If this isn’t typical behavior for your Maid/Matron of Honor, the only thing I can think of is what others have already mentioned — that she somehow thought the "traditional" division of labor was for her to plan the shower and for the bride’s family to pay for it. But if that’s true, why would she mention to your mom that she doesn’t have much cash? Odd, very very odd.
It sounds like your mom did a good job standing up for herself, but if you think hurt feelings might be lingering, maybe you and your Maid/Matron of Honor should have lunch and you can explain why your mom was surprised. Tell your friend that she’s not required to throw you parties, but that your mom had no idea she was expected to pay for the shower and that your Maid/Matron of Honor should have talked to her before assuming she’d be willing to fund a $100-per-head party. Hopefully your Maid/Matron of Honor will realize she should have communicated better with your mom and everything will blow over. Good luck!!