Should I be this bothered about this?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
473 posts
Helper bee

I mean that’s the risk you take when you loan money. It’s perfectly fine to decline. Your financial situation also gives me anxiety. Do you have any savings? Paying off debt is great, but should you have paid that $350 toward debt when you have nothing left for emergencies?

Post # 3
4670 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Anon721 :  agree. Never lend money you expect to see again, especially to friends. Can you pick up more hours at work? 60$ making you broke for a week isn’t normal or a safe situation to be in, esp. since emergencies can and do happen.

Post # 4
785 posts
Busy bee

You never should have lended her the money if you are that short on money. This is a hard lesson learned but a good one for the future. Never lend money unless you are okay (meaning financially okay) with never getting it back. And she’s a shitty friend, the money wasn’t hers to give to her mom it was yours she owed you and she doesn’t seem to care. These are things that show you who people REALLY are

Post # 5
6403 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You cannot blame your friend, to whom YOU decided to lend money, for “triggering” you because of your ex. That’s not her fault. And I need to agree with PPs, that if you decide to lend money, it has to be money you never expect to see again. That’s the nature of lending; you can never guarantee you will get that money back. 

Forgive your friend this time and DO NOT lend money in the future if you cannot afford to do so.

Post # 6
209 posts
Helper bee

It’s great that you are so generous with your friends, but you are risking your own livelihood. Unfortunately, just because you came through for your friend exactly when she needed it doesn’t mean she (or anyone else) will be able to do the same, even if she wanted to. I wouldn’t risk my boss’s goodwill covering for my friend.

Post # 7
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Don’t lend money to people when you don’t even have a leg to stand on. You’re literally trying to pour from an empty cup. I get that break ups are rough but you really need to stop focusing so much on your ex. This has nothing to do with him and it doesn’t seem like you’re headed in a healthy direction if you keep looking back. Also, you should look for a better paying job or another job. I can’t imagine lending someone the last 60 dollars I have to my name. That’s just scary.  

Post # 8
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I mean, you sound young so I guess you will learn as you get older…but you should always take care of your own situation first.  Do not rely on friends or partners to help you out after you spend all your money and don’t lend your last $60 to someone when you know you need it.  I’m sorry your ex was an abusive asshole but he was right about handling your own shit like an adult.    

Post # 9
1233 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

I guess this is why I don’t really have friends, but I don’t make friends, anticipating they may never return what was borrowed. They aren’t your children. Yes, this is a shitty thing for her to do. Anyone taking advantage of me, or just being such a flake, is not someone I want to rely on for anything.

But you can’t hold the experience you had with your ex in comparison. Like you said, your friend has really been there to pick up the pieces. You need to be in therapy if this trauma is causing projection onto other relationships.

Post # 11
6093 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I didn’t even read past you loaning more than 50% of all the money you had remaining to someone. You need to take a money management course (Dave Ramsey has clips on YouTube and you can get books free from the library). You could not afford to loan money and you should have known that.

Post # 12
1572 posts
Bumble bee

I think the emotions are high because of your ex triggering all the memories… Accept the $40 back and move on, but don’t lend money to anyone again if you’re going to struggle to make ends meet. 

Post # 13
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

How were you expecting your broke friend to have the money back in a few days time when you needed it?

Also, if you needed the money so soon you shouldn’t have given it away. Be realistic about your situation Bee and stop lending cash out.

Post # 14
10567 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

coffeebean4444 :  

Totally understandable, Bee.  Economic abuse is real, and does a lot of damage.

This is all part of a learning process for you.  Ideally, our families of origin show us how to set boundaries and limits to protect ourselves.  That didn’t happen for you, and now you’re having to wing it.

The PP is right, it’s best not to loan money to family or friends.  If you want to help and can easily afford it, just give them the money as a gift and be done with it.

Here is how you set yourself up.  Your alleged “friend” asked for money and you agreed to help her out. Sounds ok so far.  Except you really could not afford that money right now.  And you put yourself in a very vulnerable position, having to trust someone else to keep their word, and staking your financial well being on it.

I don’t think you’re naive, Bee.  I think you said it exactly right.  You just wanted to trust her.

You’ll get there, Bee.  Keep working in therapy. You feel a need to trust somebody and feel safe.  Again, your parents should have given you that.  But, they didn’t.

You’re only at the beginning of a new life. You’re going to feel wobbly sometimes. And you will test and experiment to figure out who should be permitted into your life.

As you progress in therapy and get healthier, your choice of friends will begin to change. Not to say that you’ll dump your long-term friends.  But, you will become more discerning about who you allow in.

Not accepting the $40 is a victim posture. A healthy person does what they can to minimize the damage and protect themselves. It’s yet another form of self-care.

All of these new skills will come in time, as long as you’re really working your therapy. Your insights are spot on. You are doing fine, Bee.

Post # 15
10567 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

hungrymeow :  

I don’t really consider showing up with flowers and teddy bears after every beating to be really there for the OP.  It’s actually downright offensive.

Your bf beats you and the best thing your close friend can come up with is flowers and teddy bears? OP wasn’t having her tonsils out, for gawd’s sake.  She was being beaten.

You know what flowers and teddy bears do?  They minimize what happened.  So, one more time, OP gets invalidated. 

Being there for a victim of physical abuse means calling the police and getting the perp the hell out of the house. It means getting photos of the injuries while they’re still fresh.  It means taking the victim to the hospital.

Your task is to reality test for the victim.  She has had a lot of brainwashing.  A bff is in a unique position of trust, you just may get through that wall of denial in the critical few moments after an abuse episode.

And it definitely means doing everything in your power to keep the victim from going weak in the knees about going forward with a criminal case.

That’s being there. It’s also empowering.

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