Should I be this nervous?!

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

kaylarae02 :  If you were “so sure” you probably wouldn’t be having these fears.

Why don’t you take some time to get to know each other better?

Post # 3
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I was in a similar position. I had been in a few long term relationships where marriage was on the table, but stuff fizzled out or, in one case, the engagement was just such a struggle that we broke it off. I was honestly a bit flabbergasted when I met my husband and everything was just so easy. We both knew what we wanted. All cards on the table. No games. No wasting time or playing for more time. It was very hard to believe and seemed to good to be true, just based on my past experience. We got engaged after 3.5 months and married a month later (his idea, he was excited and we just did a justice of the peace so nothing to plan). It’s coming up on 4 years later. We are expecting our second child and everything is just ducky. Sunshine and roses. It was a great life choice. Some people just click and they’re keepers. If your fear is coming from expectations rooted in your past experience, I’d try to recognize that and see if you can let go of them or talk to him about it and maybe he can address your worries. If your fear is coming from something else, I’d listen to it and try to pinpoint the origin. If he’s as great as he sounds, he’ll want to do things on a timetable that’s comfortable for you.

Post # 4
Member
4187 posts
Honey bee

So you’re worried he’s going to decide not to marry you because of some reason? Why worry over something you can’t change? It’s pointless. Just wait and see what he does.

And plenty of people will tell you that 6 months is too soon to make a commitment, but I don’t believe that at all.

Post # 5
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

FWIW I was 27 and he was 28 when we met. 

Post # 6
Member
9946 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Honestly, you’re in the honeymoon phase and your fears are totally valid. Things WILL be different when the rose colored glasses come off. Now, whether you’ll end up together or not when that happens I can’t say – that’s something that only time can tell.

I would be very very weary of getting engaged/married so quickly when you’re still in this phase. You don’t realky know this person and he could turn out to be an entirely different guy after you’ve spent some time together.

I also wonder who’s idea getting engaged at 6 months was? Is it his? It’s a common tactic for questionable men to lovebomb the first few months and play the perfect match and then do a complete switch as soon as you’re married. Not saying that’s him, but you need to use your brain and not your heart. 

ETA: My husband and I were like this too. We knew instantly we wanted to get married but I’m cautious (paranoid) by nature so we decided to move in together first (at 6 months – after the entire relationship was long distance) because I figured living together would be easy enough to fix if shit went sideways once he moved in. And while there was a significant change in our dynamic after he moved in (honeymoon phase was OVER and real life set in) it wasn’t enough to drive us apart and we ended up engaged a month shy of two years together. 

Post # 7
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

Short relationships can definitely work out. There is no “right” amount of time to date before making a legal commitment. When people are mature and well-suited in temperment, when they have had all the important conversations about life goals and compatability, they might get lucky and just be “right” for each other. If that’s the case, I wish you both the best! But it’s SO easy to get caught up in that heady whirlwind of New Relationship Energy that I would be dubious.

You don’t believe him because you haven’t known him long enough to feel “safe.” Maybe he’s trustworthy and always follows through. Maybe not. The fact remains that there is something about the relationship that is pinging an alarm bell for you, and it may be worth taking a little extra time to figure out what that is.

Post # 8
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Everything with my fiance was perfect, I’ve never been so in love or able to see a future with someone, but in the months leading up to the proposal I was a bit nervous too becauase my previous relationship had ended out of the blue. I thought things were fine and he dumped me because he didn’t think our religious views were compatable. So yes, I understand that fear even if you have no indication for it. I even used to think I was “jinxing” myself looking at wedding things on pintrest before he proposed!

Flash forward now and it’s still the perfect relationship, all those fears are gone, and we get married in 149 days!!!

Post # 9
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee

My SO and I certainly “knew” by four months, but we’re adults and have (some) patience, so we decided to give things time. We’ll be getting engaged in the fall (at about a year and a half of being together), and not once have I felt doubt about our timeline. I’ve never felt panicky about him changing his mind or anything of that sort, and I’ve also had poor past relationship experiences. 

Don’t get engaged while you’re in emotional turmoil for any reason at all. Even if it’s the “I’m so excited and so scared” feeling. In a perfect world, you should be comfortable enough in your relationship to wait for all of the super intense feelings to normalize before making such major commitments. There is no rush. Marriage is wonderful, but you have each other and a fantastic relationship to enjoy as you get to know one another better. 

Tl;dr: If you’re uncomfortable for any reason at all, figure that shit out first and wait on engagement. If he’s the one for you, he’ll still be there a year from now.

Post # 10
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

My SO and I knew very quickly as well, but we wanted to make sure to wait until the honeymoon phase was over, and until we’d had a chance to experience life with each other’s ups and downs a bit more.  He proposed at 11 months which was perfect for us and we both didn’t feel nervous about our decision at all.  Maybe it’s worth pushing back the timeline a bit to give yourselves some time to settle in?

Post # 11
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

bouviebee :  100% agree.

My FH and I “knew” right away also. We discussed engagement at 6 months (him confessing he wanted to propose but didnt want to rush or freak me out). I felt 100% the same. He proposed at a year and we are getting married at 17 months.

Im not opposed to things happening faster in general but it sounds like OP has some fears she needs to get to the root of – maybe there are red flags, maybe she just has insecurities from the past.

Either way, if hes “THE ONE” then waiting a few months change anything. No need to rush. Do it when it feels right.

Post # 12
Member
2772 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with PPs that if you are feeling worried or unsure at all, give it more time to get to know each other.  Your gut is trying to tell you something.  Listen to it.

Post # 13
Member
3527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

What is the rush? 

You can be fairly sure by six months in that you’ve found your person without rushing into a lifelong commitment. These fears are your body’s way of making you stop and take a breath and think for a minute. 

You’re in your mid twenties. You’ve got all the time in the world to settle down with a partner and, if it’s something you want, have kids. There is absolutely no reason why you guys need to get engaged in the next two months. 

Take some time to just enjoy being in a relationship with each other and to continue moving forward incrementally. Start spending more nights together. Move in together at some point. Start talking about what your plans as a couple  might be after marriage. And then, after you’ve had some time to really get to know not only each other but the dynamics of a more serious relationship with one another, start making concrete engagement and wedding plans. 

If you believe he is the one for you, that’s awesome! But you guys don’t need to prove that to yourselves, each other or anyone else by jumping so quickly into getting engaged.

And if you are concerned with what people think, tbh, if a friend of mine got engaged after only six months with their partner I would take their engagement far less seriously than I would if they’d been together a year or two, because getting engaged that quickly always strikes me as more about the status than the commitment. 

Post # 14
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

kaylarae02 :  Definitely use caution. My Brother-In-Law proposed to a girl after 2 months… he thought she was sooo great but they really didn’t know each other at all that quickly and she turned out to be crazy nightmare. They are “still together” but absolutely miserable and “break up” weekly . They are trying to force something to work that never should have happened to begin with and neither of them is happy and it’s totally an unhealthy mess. Believe it or not, you just don’t know someone that soon no matter what your heart may think it feels. It’s impossible. The flaws and secrets only come out in time. It doesn’t mean he won’t turn out to truly be great – he very well could be – but my belief is you just cannot possibly know in less than a year, and you just are taking the chance that he may end up not being who you think he is. My feeling is, even if you both just know.. why the rush? If he’s really the one, you’ll “still just know” in a year.

Post # 15
Member
7768 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think you can certainly have a strong gut feeling about someone at 4 months – I did and so did my husband. But I think engagement should be something both partners enter into with a sense of calm and steadiness. Yes, there will be excitement as well, but there should not be nagging fear and anxiety. You are clearly not calm, so I’d recommend pumping the brakes a bit here and letting this relationship continue to evolve organically without putting the pressure of a super fast engagement on it.

I’m not saying you’re doomed to break up if you get engaged at the 6 month mark, just that there are literally zero downsides to waiting awhile longer until you feel more secure.

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