Post # 1
I originally posted this in Parties as I missed this board. Oops!
I have five people in my wedding party, one being my cousin. When I was choosing my bridal party I did not automatically include her as I know she is very irresponsible and never has any money. I am having a destination wedding and it is expensive to begin with. Her and I are the closest to each other than any one else in the family. Not that her not having money should have any effect on anything, but it wouldn’t be fair to the other girls who do put out the money for the festivities. She cried and complained until I agreed to let her be a part. When I did she asked how much it would cost for her to be a part of it and I high balled it, so she wouldn’t have any surprises.
I had my shower recently, and the cousin did not participate at all. She “borrowed” money from a family member to pay her portion (she also “borrowed the money for her whole trip from a friend), then scrutinized the other bridal party members to make sure she wasn’t being ripped off. The others took care of the favors, games etc. She also sat in the corner the whole time and didn’t socialize with anyone, which really made me feel bad.
Then comes the bachelorette party. She doesn’t have money to attend, which it is just a dinner and drinks. Now I feel terrible! I always end up spotting her the money for things and this time I am not doing it. She was given over a year, and knew the party would eventually come. I can’t help but feel so upset. I know the purpose of bridesmaids is not so much what they do for you, but to stand next to you on your special day, but I feel like compared to the others she got a free ride the whole time and I feel as if she doesn’t care so much as to participate in my festivities, but rather to make sure she has some spotlight (She told my mother she refused to only be a guest as she would be embarrassed).
Does anyone have any feedback?
Post # 3
well while i understand where you are coming from, remember it is up to her, not you, even though she had over a year. And while the money is being borrowed from friends and family (she possibly can’t afford it on her own) to attend your wedding, she is still attending your wedding 🙂 so yes your other bridesmaids can afford it, but she can not. her behaviour at the shower would be the only thing that is legitimate cause for concern.
Enjoy your special day with your cousin 🙂
Post # 4
It is not your responsibility to pay for her way. If you had the money to spare that would be a nice gesture on your part, but she’s an adult and she’s had notice to come up with the money. I would ask her if she still wants to be a bridesmaid and make it clear that you have a wedding and honeymoon to finance and won’t be able to pay her portion.
Post # 5
Sorry but I have some sympathy with her. When you have a destination wedding (which is very expensive to attend), I think it is reasonable if BMs cut back in other areas. She didn’t socialise at the bridal shower, so she either doesn’t know the other BMs or doesn’t get on with them. So if she goes to the bachelorette she’ll probably be miserable anyway. It sounds to me like it would be better for both of you if she didn’t go.
Post # 6
I would be kind of upset, but that being said your wedding will never as important to others as it is to you
Post # 7
Are bridesmaids supposed to be paying for the priveledge of being in weddings now? A bachelorette party shouldn’t be mandatory attendance for anyone. Each of your girls chose what they were willing and able to contribute. Are you sure the others didn’t tell her what she needed to put in without consulting her? Also, if she doesn’t know people, she may not socialize. That’s how many people are.
Also “When I was choosing my bridal party I did not automatically include her as I know she is very irresponsible and never has any money.” perhaps this is part of the reason why she isn’t bending over backwards to please you? Even if she doesn’t know you’re saying this about her to a bunch of strangers, she may have an inkling that you have some sort of negative feelings toward her. Have you complained to the other girls about her? If so, maybe that’s why she wasn’t socializing as much, and why she was scrutinizing the shower costs. Maybe they’re excluding her.
Short answer: No, you shouldn’t be involved with where her money comes from. You should understand that a bachelorette party is a luxury, not a requirement. Not everyone can afford it, or even wants to attend one. And since you asked, no, I don’t think you should be upset with her.