Post # 1
First let me say i’m so glad I found this site.
A little background about me and my SO. We have been together almost 4 years and just hit our 2 year mark of living together. After 1 year or living together i stopped talking about all things wedding and engaement related as I wanted him to propse organiclly (if thats even a thing). From as early as 6 months into our relationship he expressed he wanted to marry me and we always talked about our future together. Even upon moving in together at the 2 year mark he said that the next step would be engagement and that he was working on saving for my ring.
Fast forward to late Feb 2017 he took me ring shopping, asked me on his own, I had stopped talking all things engagement and wedding since Aug 2016 as I stated earlier. Still til today almost 6 months later I don’t know if he’s actually purchased the ring, but my gut tels me he has as he’s dropped hints to not look at his cc statement. (History on the CC: We opened a cc under his name to start earning points for a future honeymoon… we agreed to put all couple expenses on the card and pay off the complete balance every month. I also mentioned it to him not to pay my ring in cash, but to put it on the card to earn points.) Since he told me not to look at the said card’s mail in statements I’m 90% sure my ring was on the card during the 3 month bonus period… which he open the cc right after we went ring shopping….
Here is my issue, internally in my head and without voicing my timeline with him I hoped we would be engaged by a couple key dates:
Mid June- we went to his college buddies wedding (across the US we live in AZ, we travelled to NY)… did not happen. After we came back from the wedding I then voiced my concern that I was hoping we’d be engaged by this trip as we are the only couple not engaged in his college circle of friends. He assured me our time was coming and that he was sorry I was dissapointed
End of July, his niece left for college in IL- my #1 request and only request really for our engagement was to celebrate with mine/his immediate family after proposal. Which now we will be missing one important member… I broke down last night and voiced my opinion again… he was shocked. He stated it never crossed his mind that his niece would be an important part in our proposal. (Which she isn’t important as part of the propsal as she’s important to the celebrating AFTER) but she is the only immediate memeber who doesn’t even have the option to celebrate with us as she is far away. She already feels like she misses out on family things since she’s so far 9 months out of the year.
And my final straw… after I decided to keep quiet at the Aug 2016 mark, I made a pact with myself that if he didn’t make any initiative to propose by time it was time to re-sign our 2017/18 lease I would walk. Since we went ring shopping in Feb and I’m pretty sure he bought the ring AND we talked about being engaged by the end of 2017 (which he validated after I voiced the niece thing), i chose to re-sign the lease early July. Now I’m in my head and regretting the decision. My thoughts now are… what if it doesn’t happen by the end of 2017, what if he hasn’t bought the ring…. what if i’m giving him all the benefits of marraige without the ring…. now i’m driving myself crazy… Am I overtinking/overreacting?
I never wanted to be that girl who forced a proposal or gave my bf an ultimatum. Now I’m regretting that I haven’t…
Guess I just wanted to rant… get your input since I don’t want t fill my gfs in on whats going on…
Post # 2
This is exactly why I think not talking about engagement/marriage is stupid.
You haven’t really communicated with him on this issue. He didn’t realize things were important to you until after it was too late. There’s still a lot of time left in 2017 so in his mind I’m sure he’s thinking he’s well within the timeline you agreed on.
So I think you need to have a calm conversation with him about it. That doesn’t mean you are forcing a proposal, it means you are an adult communicating with your partner about your needs/wants.
Post # 3
I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but it kind of seems like you are in a rush because of what other people think rather than what is right for your relationship right now. You also expect him to be a mind reader. If you want things done within a certain timeline you should talk to him about it. You should work on your communication skills if you think getting married is the next step in your relationship.
Post # 4
needadvicebee0703 : I’m in a very similar position and I know how frustrating it can be. Are you overreacting/overthinking, yes. It sounds like he has the ring and has something planned. My SO has had my ring since March and hasn’t proposed yet. It’s killing me! But it will happen, just like it will happen for you. Don’t ruin the moment and the experience by trying to micromanage it. Enjoy your relationship and take things day by day, be happy for what it is in this moment! If you get to the end of the year and he hasn’t proposed, then I think you have reason to be upset and fed up. Hang in there!
Post # 5
You should probably just talk to him instead of setting imaginary dates in your head and then getting pissed off at him after.
Post # 6
I understand that there aren’t always logical reasons for why we feel the way we feel, and as someone who was also living with their SO for a long time before the proposal came, I can assure you that I’ve had my fair share of irrational moments.
So please don’t think I’m being unkind when I say this: your thinking in this situation right now is irrational.
You had a timeline in your head – you can’t be mad at him for not reading your mind. If you had/have a certain vision for your proposal, you need to be vocal about it. I think a lot of women get caught up in the “tradition” of a proposal being a complete surprise and can, whether consciously or subconsiously, turn it into a kind of test (i.e. “I can’t believe he proposed in public, I would have never wanted that! But I never told him that, he was just supposed to KNOW ME BETTER THAN THAT”).
I definitely think you need to take this timeline of yours out of your head and clue him in on it. Tell him what you expect and when – he will still be able to plan a surprise even if you know when-ish it’s coming.
You guys live together, you have a joint credit card, you have shopped for rings, he loves you. It’s clear to me that this guy is in it for the long haul, whether or not he proposed by your own walk date.
Post # 7
I was way more up front about my desire to be engaged and I still never felt like I was forcing it. We simply discussed what our timelines were. At six months together we said “if this is still going well, we should move in together after 1 year.” and I said “I don’t want to move in together unless I feel like we are moving toward engagement.” He agreed. We moved in together at 1 year and I said I would like to be engaged by the 2 year mark. He proposed at 18 months. We got married just after our 2 year anniversary. We were always open about where we thought we were headed, and about what our timelines were. It didn’t ruin anything, it didn’t diminish the specialness of our engagement, it didn’t make his proposal any less special, and today we aren’t any less married. Communication is vital to a functional relationship, why wouldn’t you be communicating about this? If he gets all freaked out and uncomortable and refuses to discuss it, that sure tells you a lot too, doesn’t it?
Post # 8
Didn’t you post this before? I remember the phrase “want him to propose organically”.
You have a secret internal walk date that you don’t want to tell him about because you want him to propose… organically…
He’s not a mind reader. You need to talk to him.
Post # 9
We had a long talk during the niece dissapointment talk. He reiterated the end of 2017 timeline and I reierated my #2 request for our engagement, to not get enageged during the holidays. This was an emotional conversation for me. I did also mention to him “You know that if we hadn’t gone ring shopping already I wouldn’ have re-signed our lease” his response to the conversation was, “it will happen, let things be, you’re freaking out for nothing” I will say I’m a planner and need all my ducks in a row at all times. So maybe I am freaking out over nothing.
Post # 10
It sounds like your focus is on your imaginary timeline, as well as what others are doing at the time as far as getting married and engaged in your circle. You mentioned you are the last in his friend circle to not be married or engaged. There’s still 4 months left in this year. I think communication is very important and instead of telling him about your timeline communicate with him what you want and need.
Be patient and allow him to propose in the timeframe in which he wants to propose. There could be things that he is working on or trying to get into order before proposing. Don’t give him an ultimatum or push him into proposing, as sometimes those do not go well, as the guy may feel pressured into proposing when he isn’t ready.
The most important take away is that you should only give an ultimatum when you are ready to face the truth and take action, whatever answer you get. The ultimatum should be done if you are prepared to handle the truth, fall out and be able to back up your words with actions. If he says he isn’t ready for marriage you have to be prepared for the next step. You should ask him about your future and what he sees for the future for you two. If you stay and he doesn’t see a future or doesn’t know at this point, you will lose a lot of credibility and leverage in the relationship. It could be perceived as an attempt at manipulation and just empty threats.
Let things happen naturally and do not put pressure on him to propose.
Post # 11
Yeah… you are going to ruin your own proposal.
You guys went ring shopping. He as good as told you he bought the ring. He’s told you your time is coming. His timeline is by the end of 2017. He’s definitely planning something.
Sorry to sound harsh, but if you want a surprise-romantic-perfect-fairytale proposal, you’re just going to have to wait for him to actually do it. However if you just want to get engaged, tell him to forget the elaborate proposal. Its as simple as that. But don’t get mad when later you realize you didn’t get that dreamy proposal you were expecting, because you were the one who ruined it by stomping all over his plans.
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2019 - Canada
I think you have all the signs that your bf is serious about a future with you, so I think you need to just sit back, be patient and stop making secret timelines. If he hadn’t taken any of the steps he’s taken and dropped hints that he purchased a ring, then by all means, set a timeframe you are comfortable with and end things if theyre not moving forward within that time. But things ARE moving forward. He’s giving you all the validation he can, I think you just need to be patient and let him do it in his own time. He now knows you were disappointed twice this year, so drop it for a bit. Give him until the end of the year and then have an honest conversation about things if it hasnt happened then.
Post # 13
You honestly sound ridiculous.
Post # 14
You need to chill out. The year is only half over, so you need to be patient. There is no reason to think he will not stick to that timeline. And all of your little requirements are ridiculous and make you sound immature and unreasonable. You can’t have an “organic” proposal while mandating when it happens and who is there to celerbrate. It sounds like you are more interested in celebrating and showing off your engagement than you are in actually making a lifelong commitment to someone.
Post # 15
first post 🙂 our talk clarified where I stand. He says to wait. So here I am waiting, overthinking and spinning in circles