- 6 months ago
- Wedding: December 2019
You already dont trust him. Time to go.
Why are you constantly asking if he’s studying with males or females? You obviously don’t trust him, and he’s fine with lying to you, either because he’s doing something shady or he doesn’t trust that you won’t freak out over nothing… not a good way to enter a marriage.
bellelovegirl : You already don’t trust him – there is nothing to lose by talking it out. Is there any particular reason? Has he betrayed you in the past? Or is there something about female medical students that strokes your insecurities?
It kind of sounds like you’re both at fault here. The fact that he is lying to you – repeatedly, to your face, over and over – is a BIG PROBLEM. But I also wonder if he has a sound reason for not wanting to tell you, given that you said you think he’s “lying out of fear.” Have you blown up at him in the past over small things? Made a huge deal about him being around women alone? Been passive aggressive or accusatory so that he feels backed into a corner? All of those things could push him to feel like he can’t trust you with the truth – and given all the other stressors in his life, he may be in damage control mode.
Either way, this is not a happy or healthy relationship. For either of you. If he’s trying to hide you and excluding you from events with his cohort, then you have your answer already: you don’t deserve to be his secret. But it sounds like this goes deeper and more complex than that.
This is 10000% something you guys need to talk through and get on the same page about if you want to be in a healthy relationship ever. Set yourself up for success in those convos before they even start; here’s a good link with some ideas:
Good luck, bee. What a painful place to be in.
If you are being unreasonable, then he should be honest and tell you what he is and isn’t ok with. He should not say “yeah, cool, I agree” but then do the opposite and lie about it. And if you are being reasonable, then he’s just a liar. Either way, doesn’t sound healthy or fun.
this comment was deleted
futuremrs2020 : that’s a good question and something ive talked to my therapist about recently. idk why i just automatically start to worry and feel better just knowing… he had a crush on one of his coworkers years ago and i found out but there were other issues then that we worked out on both sides. since then hes never really hung out with girls before so i guess its new and kind of intimidating to me for some reason.
Unfortunately, I think the only way you can rebuild trust is with a neutral 3rd party. Go see a thearapist. Figure out why he is lying and whether you are being unreasonable. We don’t have the full story here, so we can’t help you. You could be overreacting (and checking his phone is not cool and points in that direction) but he could be lying for another reason, but go talk to someone that can hear both sides and work on getting you two back on the same page.
When you say he texts them constantly and hang’s out with them after school. Who is “them”? Guy’s, women or both? Is a the same person? Your checking his phone so you should know. But are they “hanging” out to do school work? Med school is very grueling. Lot’s of work. And yea maybe the other people are not bringing their spouses.
You obviously wouldn’t be fine if he was studying with women as well as men or you wouldn’t be asking him repeatedly if there are women. He is in med school, of course there are women. When he starts working there will also be women.
You’re in for a really stressful life if you get wound up by you partner spending time with people of be opposite sex.
You even described it as “confronting him” before you had even shopped. Clearly your language was particularly emotive and your fiancé knew it wasn’t a simple question.
He’s had a busy year, has been anxious and depressed, and you probably haven’t seen a lot of him compared to earlier on in your relationship.
I think it’s natural to want to be as involved in his life as you can, and right now, that’s difficult. You want to know about his friends, his schooling… what he does when you’re not able to see him. It’s an easy way to maintain a connection with him, so I can see why it’s incredibly frustrating to find out that he’s hiding something from you.
What kind of conversations have you actually had about this?
I would try sitting him down and letting him know how you’re feeling— disconnected and left out of the loop. Tell him that you’re 100% okay with him having female classmates he studies with, and him hiding it from you makes it harder for you to accept, not easier. Tell him it’s hard to not spend time with him in general, and that you’d love to meet his friends, both male and female, and get to know them better. Make sure you reiterate that it’s not about jealousy, just about his honesty; him having female friends will not cause you issues as long as there’s nothing inappropriate. Ask him if there’s anything inappropriate. If he says no, respond with, “See? No reason for concern.”
Of course, this is all assuming you’re actually not concerned over propriety and just concerned about his omissions/lies.
bouviebee : thank you. i feel like you completely understand how i feel. im going to take your advice. thanks for taking the time to answer my question and provide advice!
the only conversations we’ve had was me saying to him “i want us to be honest with each other. i know you studied alone with that girl when you told me you were with a group of people.. it doesn’t bother me but i dont want to be lied to about it”
he told me they had only studied together for an hour and then met with a group of people so i said ok and moved on. same thing happened this week tho but he went out of his way to mention “i studied with GUYS only today…”almost in a passive tone. But that was a lie as well. then i told him i wanted to go to the gathering to meet his friends and when he told me he didnt know i said it made me feel like he doesnt want me to meet them or something. he just said he didnt know the plan yet and would let me know. so idk. everytime i have a convo with him he gets defensive and starts to say im always accussing him. which isn’t true but thats how he sees it .
keviah12 : two of the same girls….
they seem really close. one of them got him a gift for his bday last week. he calls one of them his “bro”. i guess its uncomfortable to me knowing hes super close with females that i dont even know. i have no idea how they interact and he spends his time outside of class studying with them so its really hard not to be bothered by it when he’s never really spent time with other women before. i also dont have any men in my life besides his friends and my family. i spend all my schooling and work with females so ive just never had the opportunity to be friends with other men.