deleted………….

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

You already dont trust him. Time to go. 

Post # 3
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Why are you constantly asking if he’s studying with males or females? You obviously don’t trust him, and he’s fine with lying to you, either because he’s doing something shady or he doesn’t trust that you won’t freak out over nothing… not a good way to enter a marriage.

bellelovegirl :  

Post # 4
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

bellelovegirl :  You already don’t trust him – there is nothing to lose by talking it out. Is there any particular reason? Has he betrayed you in the past? Or is there something about female medical students that strokes your insecurities?

It kind of sounds like you’re both at fault here. The fact that he is lying to you – repeatedly, to your face, over and over – is a BIG PROBLEM. But I also wonder if he has a sound reason for not wanting to tell you, given that you said you think he’s “lying out of fear.” Have you blown up at him in the past over small things? Made a huge deal about him being around women alone? Been passive aggressive or accusatory so that he feels backed into a corner? All of those things could push him to feel like he can’t trust you with the truth – and given all the other stressors in his life, he may be in damage control mode.

Either way, this is not a happy or healthy relationship. For either of you. If he’s trying to hide you and excluding you from events with his cohort, then you have your answer already: you don’t deserve to be his secret. But it sounds like this goes deeper and more complex than that.

This is 10000% something you guys need to talk through and get on the same page about if you want to be in a healthy relationship ever. Set yourself up for success in those convos before they even start; here’s a good link with some ideas:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust/

Good luck, bee. What a painful place to be in. 

Post # 5
Member
8857 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

bellelovegirl :  

  • i just want him to be honest” — Yes, but he’s not though. Of course you want him to be, but you can’t make him be. And he’s not.
  • im afraid this is gonna ruin my trust in him” — Yes, this is the natural result of him being shady. When someone isn’t trustworthy, that ruins our trust in them. This is normal.
  • but also if i get upset i will be training him to lie to me out of fear” — Well, not out of fear so much as trying harder not to get caught, is more likely. 

If you are being unreasonable, then he should be honest and tell you what he is and isn’t ok with. He should not say “yeah, cool, I agree” but then do the opposite and lie about it. And if you are being reasonable, then he’s just a liar. Either way, doesn’t sound healthy or fun.

Post # 8
Member
2113 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Unfortunately, I think the only way you can rebuild trust is with a neutral 3rd party. Go see a thearapist. Figure out why he is lying and whether you are being unreasonable. We don’t have the full story here, so we can’t help you. You could be overreacting (and checking his phone is not cool and points in that direction) but he could be lying for another reason, but go talk to someone that can hear both sides and work on getting you two back on the same page. 

Post # 9
Member
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

bellelovegirl :  Huge red flags.  I would only be comfortable getting to the root of this issue in couples counseling.  Ask him to go for the good of the relationship!

Post # 10
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

When you say he texts them constantly and hang’s out with them after school. Who is “them”? Guy’s, women or both? Is a the same person? Your checking his phone so you should know. But are they “hanging” out to do school work? Med school is very grueling. Lot’s of work. And yea maybe the other people are not bringing their spouses. 

Post # 11
Member
5706 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

You obviously wouldn’t be fine if he was studying with women as well as men or you wouldn’t be asking him repeatedly if there are women.  He is in med school, of course there are women. When he starts working there will also be women. 

You’re in for a really stressful life if you get wound up by you partner spending time with people of be opposite sex. 

You even described it as “confronting him” before you had even shopped. Clearly your language was particularly emotive and your fiancé knew it wasn’t a simple question. 

Post # 12
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee

He’s had a busy year, has been anxious and depressed, and you probably haven’t seen a lot of him compared to earlier on in your relationship. 

I think it’s natural to want to be as involved in his life as you can, and right now, that’s difficult. You want to know about his friends, his schooling… what he does when you’re not able to see him. It’s an easy way to maintain a connection with him, so I can see why it’s incredibly frustrating to find out that he’s hiding something from you. 

What kind of conversations have you actually had about this? 

I would try sitting him down and letting him know how you’re feeling— disconnected and left out of the loop. Tell him that you’re 100% okay with him having female classmates he studies with, and him hiding it from you makes it harder for you to accept, not easier. Tell him it’s hard to not spend time with him in general, and that you’d love to meet his friends, both male and female, and get to know them better. Make sure you reiterate that it’s not about jealousy, just about his honesty; him having female friends will not cause you issues as long as there’s nothing inappropriate. Ask him if there’s anything inappropriate. If he says no, respond with, “See? No reason for concern.” 

Of course, this is all assuming you’re actually not concerned over propriety and just concerned about his omissions/lies. 

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