(Closed) Should I bother with a rehearsal dinner?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee

rebeccasum:  So plan your rehearsal dinner, let them know what the deets.. and then its up to them to come or not. It’s on them to be decent for their son and new DIL and show up. What reason does your fiance think of for them not wanting to come? He knows them better… Not knowing anything about them, I would just assume these people are being cheap and trying to host a small dinner for about 8 people instead of 40. But if you want a Rehearsal Dinner… plan it. I bet they come when they realize it’s happening with or without them! 

Post # 32
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee

rebeccasum:  Okay let’s say they still don’t come.

Someone :  “Oh Where Fred and Wilma?” 

You: They’re actually coming into town tomorrow. 

Someone: Oh. I was looking forward to meeting them!

You: I’ll be sure to introduce you tomorrow 🙂

The end. See? Nobody will be rude enough to say “Why coudn’t they be here?! What the f is wrong with these people?” to you at your Rehearsal Dinner : ) 

Post # 33
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

Based on what you have written is sounds like they did not say they wouldn’t come, they just gave you a funny look. If that is true, I would suggest you ignore the funny look. Who knows what the look was about, maybe they were trying to hold in a fart, maybe their mind had wandered and were thinking about something else all together.

I would suggest that your Fiance call them up and say something like: “Mom, Dad, we are having a rehearsal the night before the wedding, and want to follow that with a simple reherasal dinner. It would mean alot of me/us if you would come down on Friday and attend the rehersal and the dinner afterwards. Would you be willing to do that?”

Spefically ask “would you be willing?” NOT “Do you want to attend?”

Like my spouse knows I am not keen on scarey movies, I find them boring, but he loves them. So he asks me “Would you be willing to go with me?”  And I say  Yes because I am willing, even if it isn’t my fav thing to do and I may not technically WANT to see the movie.

I would not ask them to pay for it. While it would have been considerate of them, that ship has sailed I think.

Post # 34
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Tradition says that the bride’s family pays for the wedding reception and the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner, but nowadays, that’s out the window. Really, no one is required to contribute anything beside you and your Fiance.  So you are having a rehearsal?  Then yes, you should have a dinner if that is the case, but if your in-laws haven’t offered to contribute, the cost appears to be on you.  I agree it seems odd that your ILs aren’t coming until the day of the wedding, but maybe there are circumstances preventing them from coming in the day before?

Post # 35
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

rebeccasum:  Everyone is missing the point its not that she wants them to pay for ANYTHING. I think what shes saying is that she’s upset at the fact that her family will not be included for the dinner they want to host for her and her fiance the week after her wedding!!!! Which I completely understand she has the right to be upset about!! They sound very selfish and i would bring up to them that if they wanted to host any kind of dinner that would you would like your family to be there as well or else you don’t want the dinner because im sure your family would be hurt that they weren’t invited to a dinner that is suppose to be a celebration of you both getting married.I know my parents would be very upset!  I would honestly just skip the dinner and do the rehearsal dinner yourself and if they miss out they will only make themseleves look bad.. Who doesn’t want to go to there sons/daughters rehearsal dinner? 

Post # 36
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Ok, OP, I’m expand upon my first answer (although it does answer the original question that was posted – “should I bother with a rehearsal dinner”).  I’m sorry that your FI’s family uninterest is hurting you.  It really really sucks when people let you down, especially when it is family.  

It sounds like you were planning on a rehearsal all along because you wanted to run through the motions.  Great.  Move forward with hosting the dinner yourselves.  Send them an invitation with an rsvp date.  Then your Fiance really needs to give them a call (if he hasn’t already).  “Hey Mom and Dad, it’s really important to rebeccasum and me that you attend the rehearsal dinner to meet rebeccasum’s family before the wedding.”  Then let it go.  If they decide not to come and roll in the morning of the wedding, yes, they are the ones that look like dicks, but you can’t let them affect your emotions this much anymore.  These people are going to be in your life for a very long time, I am sure there will be plenty of other times you will expect them to show up and they just won’t deliver.  

My confusion (and maybe others too) came from your correlation between their plans of a small dinner with their nuclear family and your complaint about them not hosting or attending the rehearsal dinner to meet your family, or you asking whether your parents would be invited to this dinner after the wedding.  Those are two completely different animals of events to host.  Small quiet dinner with their nuclear famly = rehearsal dinner with both sets of families, bridal party, others.  But I guess it’s the hosting you’re not upset about?  The question is: Is it your expectation that after marriage all family events, including small dinners, should include both sides of the family?  I don’t see their dinner plans as being rude, actually I think it’s nice that they are planning a special little dinner with their nuclear family and you (because you will be one of them) to celebrate the wedding.  Then again all families are different, and when I read your OP my thought was “well, why would she expect her parents to be invited to they family dinner?”  You mentioned it’s a week after the wedding, not the day after?  If it was the day after I would understand a little more.    

Post # 38
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee

rebeccasum:  Maybe they feel embarassed that they can’t afford to pay for the rehearsal dinner so this is their way to show that they still want to welcome you into the family. They are throwing a smaller dinner, what they can afford. It allows them to save face rather than say “oh the inlaws contributed 10% to our rehearsal dinner while my parents contributed ___%”. I am not saying that’s what you would do, but it’s possible they worry about it. There is another bee on this board whose mother and sister don’t want her Future Mother-In-Law joining them for dress shopping because they aren’t contributing. People can be pretty crappy about others not contributing, and this way (coming in the day of) they limt their exposure to potential nastiness. Maybe they’re worried about that.

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