Should I break my engagement?

posted 1 week ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I feel like you are jumping the gun a little bit based on the information you gave in your post. If your relationship is great otherwise, then I don’t see what the big issue is here. You need to learn to compromise. I wanted a small beach wedding and my Darling Husband wanted a large family wedding, so we found a compromise that made everyone happy. If your FH values his family, then I understand him wanting to make them happy as well. Why don’t you legally get married in Florida with a backyard party and then do a ceremony in Fiji on your honeymoon? It’s much easier anyways to get a marriage license in your home country. I know many people who have done weddings in foreign countries and they all got their legal paperwork done at home first for practice reasons and then had a commitment ceremony on location afterwards. By your post, it seems like you are saying if you don’t get your way, you are willing to leave. Which won’t work in a marriage. You won’t always get your way and you need to learn how to compromise. 

Post # 3
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I can’t tell if the issue is that your fiancé changes plans the two of you made together when his mom objects or if he sort agrees to plans with you but then he doesn’t actually want to do that plan?

you say: I feel I’m the bride and he should honor my wishes

the wedding is a wedding for both of you, it can’t just be what you alone want. But if you and he are making plans together and then he’s just changing them whenever his mom objects, then yes I think you need to talk about it. 

if your expectation is that being the bride = only what you want…that seems kind of contrary to the point of getting married and forming a team.

did the Fiji plan exclude all your kids? 

Post # 4
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

The reason you actually gave for breaking off the engagement  (him wanting his mom at the wedding) makes it seem like you’re blowing things out of proportion.

But I also feel like there’s probably things about this relationship that aren’t that great that you didn’t mention. Or else this one issue wouldn’t be the potential breaking point.  So if you feel like you should call off the engagement then you should! 

Post # 6
Member
7008 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Sarsosa :  I also feel like you’re jumping the gun here on leaving him.  How long have you been together?

When you make these other decisions like a surprise birthday trip and the elopement, how much are you including him in this decision?

Also, can’t you just have a friend who is not officiated “marry” you at home, then have the official ceremony in Fiji?  

Are all of these things active discussions that both of you have together where he is also contributing to the plan, or are you giving all of your ideas and he’s just going with it because he has no reason to protest at the time?

It sounds like he’s a family man and including his family is important to him. Things such as not leaving over Easter during a big family event and having his mom somehow included in his wedding festivities aren’t crazy things.  These are typical family bonding opportunities.

I think you need to get the “wife first” mentality out of your head for such small things.  Now, if your future Mother-In-Law was demanding your husband spend every night having dinner with her and making him take care of her house, or if she was constantly talking crap about you and he wasn’t sticking up for you, then I would say, “yeah, maybe you should rethink this or at least do some couples therapy.”

Post # 7
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Er, bee… is this how you plan to handle any disagreement in your marriage? By wanting to leave? How have you dealt with disagreements in the past? 
I understand want what you want, but where is the compromise? Taking an aging parent’s wishes into consideration and suggesting a compromise (like your fiance did) seems sensible and kind to me. Maybe we don’t have enough context but you sound a little bit selfish. A wedding isn’t juat about the bride, it’s for both of you. And if you hve kids, it’s a little bit about them too. Anyway, I would consider postponing the wedding to see if you have gealthy conflict resolution skills in place before getting married.

Post # 8
Member
7008 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I do want to add that I actually do have an insane Mother-In-Law that my husband, at some super unhealthy points, would be summoned to her house for “10 minutes” to help her with something, then he wouldn’t come home for two hours, meanwhile refusing to answer his phone.  Or he would go there and not tell me that’s where he was. Or she would go off on me in front of my stepson and go off about my husband, and my husband wouldn’t stick up for us.  Or she would post crap about me on social media, or tell everyone how she “told me off” for asking her to give us space. Or she would use my stepson as a pawn against my husband… And we cut her out as a way to keep our family happy and healthy.

So I know demanding, crazy families.

Post # 9
Member
6643 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Your SO is old enough to have grown kids and when his mother says jump, he responds. That’s problematic. It’s one thing to be family oriented, but he should also be prepared to prioritize his wife’s preferences over his mother’s. If he isn’t ready to do that, he isn’t ready to get married. If it’s important to you to be married in Fiji, he should be able to tell his mother that.

Also, though, when you are eloping, you generally just do that, you don’t tell other people and get their feedback about it.

The birthday thing sounds like some bullshit, too. It sounds like there is an established dynamic with him and his mother and, in your place, I’d be curious where my place is. Because the times where he should be making his wife the priority, his mother is already taking up all the space. I love that my husband is close to his family and that he loves his mother. I would not be prepared to be playing second fiddle to my Mother-In-Law, though. Especially not when you have kids as old as yours are, which means you, yourself, are a grown woman.

Also, if you are prepared to dump him rather than push back on these irritating things, then you aren’t really ready to step into this dynamic, either, so getting married isn’t the best step for either of you at this time.

Post # 10
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You need to figure out your unhealthy me versus them mentality. You are joining his family. He isn’t making plans based on every family members feelings. His mother told him she would be upset if she missed the two of you getting married. Which is perfectly reasonable, so he compromised. A reception with family to celebrate your marriage and the ceremony just like you want with just the two of you. You arnt just marrying him you are becoming a part of his family and he yours. Do you really not want to include or celebrate at all with both your families? If you would really leave someone over this, you are not the right woman for him. And shouldn’t be getting married. 

It seems like you planned a surprise trip over an important family holiday, without consulting anyone as it was a surprise, and he decided being at his family Easter event was important and his birthday trip could happen another time. Did you not know about his family holiday tradition? Now you know not to make plans over family holidays. Lots of families have big yearly holiday traditions. If you’d rather just the two of you spend Easter together and don’t care about being a part of his family and traditions then don’t marry him. No part of his actions are unreasonable or seem unhealthy. As a family man it seems like he these things are important to him. 

If you continue to feel the way you do please do let him go. 

Post # 11
Member
6705 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

It seems entirely reasonable for a mum to want to see her child get married, and I don’t think it’s unhealthy for him to want his mum there, either. Why are you so inflexible and trigger happy about ending the relationship? The two of you will still visit Fiji. Relationships should not be all or nothing on either side.

Post # 12
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Honestly, that is too bad his mom doesn’t want to be left out. It’s not her marriage. This is supposed to be between YOU two. Not him and what mommy wants. I wouldn’t budge on your initial plans because there’s a lot more of mommy’s requests down the road. She needs to understand that she cannot control her adult son and his choices. Not her wedding, not her husband to be. She can WANT to be there, but she should never demand it or try to come in between you guys. There’s a difference and what she is doing is wrong. But also your husband to be shouldn’t be budging to his mother’s wants. 

As a married couple you are to put eachother first. And the wedding is all about you two and what you two want. 

Post # 13
Member
1127 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I would suggest you two going to some premarital counseling. During those sessions I would focus on having the counselor go over with both of you what your expectations are if each other in this marriage. Have your fiancé say what he thinks the role of a wife and a husband is, you do the same. See if you are both on the same page with that. Then talk about the purpose of marriage and how that means putting each other before your parents. Talk about what being an independent adult looks like. Ask the therapist about the Easter situation and have her talk through with you what is normal in terms of extended families expectations. 

Bottom line is you do need to know before you marry him if he is going to continue to put his mothers wants and feelings before yours. Is he capable of saying no to her? Does she throw tantrums if he doesn’t do what she wants? I’m sure the red flags are already there and you have seen them if it is a real problem. You and fiancé are grown adults and both sets of parents should treat you as such. You are now their peers, not their kids. Your fiancé should be making choices for himself and not based on his moms advice or wants. 

Post # 14
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2020

It’s hard to say whether this is a huge issue based on the information you’ve given, but I do think going straight to dumping him is a problem. Are you happy in the relationship overall? It sounds like there may be other relationship issues if you’re seriously considering leaving over this. 

The Easter situation may be an indication of a problem in your relationship if your future mother in law demanded that he come to the Easter celebration instead of his birthday party, but did he want to go and spend time with family? It’s hard to say whether that’s a big deal without knowing what his preference was.

Of course his mother wants to be present for the wedding. That doesn’t sound controlling to me, it sounds like a mother who wants to be there for a very important day in her son’s life. Is there a reason you want to be legally married in private instead of a small family ceremony followed by a committment ceremony in Fiji?

You seem to be seeing this issue as a you vs his mother situation, where he’s choosing her. That seems entirely unnecessary. Forget what she wants for now. Talk to your fiance about what he wants. It’s not your day because you’re the bride, the wedding is for both of you. Ask him if he wants to be legally married in private or with immediate family. Try to keep an open mind and don’t discuss family preferences, just his and yours. From there you two should be able to come to a compromise. You could have a family ceremony and a private ceremony, and do the legalities at whichever you two can agree on. From there the two of you will have to tell family members what’s happening, not ask them what they think. If his mother objects and he backs down on his agreement with you to please her, then you have an issue that may require postponing or cancelling the wedding

Post # 15
Member
12635 posts
Honey Beekeeper

It’s one thing if both of you were on the same page. But if you would leave him over the fact that he is considering his mother’s wish to be at your wedding, and newsflash you only get one, then you may looking for a way out. The obvious compromise here is to get married simply in Florida and then have an exotic honeymoon in Fiji. If his mom is overbearing in other ways it’s a different story. 

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