Post # 1
Reposted after accidentally closed: Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/should-i-break-off-engagement/#ixzz3zSJuZcYm
I have been engaged for about 6 months and plan to get married this August (still no venue booked…FH and I can’t agree, but that’s a separate issue). We’ve been together 12 years (met in high school), and the reason we’ve waited so long is because he is finishing his PhD this year. Yesterday, I received a 3 page letter from his grandma (who I’ve met twice) that didn’t sit well with me. She laid out all of the reasons my religion (Catholocism) is wrong (FH and I have no religion issues–I was raised Catholic but since high school have only gone to mass when home with family; I am agnostic but go to his church with FH and have no complaints). She also stated that while his family is very supportive, my family doesn’t seem to care for me (not sure what the purpose of this was, though it was followed by how they’d like us to spend all holidays with his family so I’m guessing…) and that she doesn’t approve of me making FH stay in California (FH encouraged me to apply for a very good, career-advancing job that I never dreamed I would get!).
His immediate family and I are also very different. I don’t enjoy spending time with them, and I recently spent 3 weeks with them for Christmas where his mom kept holding his hand (he’s 28!), but figure most people don’t like their in-laws. Currently, we spend so little time with family since we live across the country, but I know he wants to move back East (is giving me ~2 years at my new job before moving). Yesterday’s letter really threw me for a loop and is making me re-think everything. I drafted a very diplomatic response to her that FH is begging me not to send, and he just shrugged at the letter and was not concerned/doesn’t want to rock the boat.
I’m 29 and our day-to-day life out here without family is great. However, I’m concerned about what happens when we move back East. Is it worth starting over to avoid in-law conflict? Am I overreacting to grandma’s letter/FH’s response?
Post # 2
I don’t know…I would be hesitant to make plans to move across the country 2 years into your job. What if you absolutely love it?
Please don’t send a letter in response to his grandma. She is probably halfway crazy and I wouldn’t waste my time or energy on the drama of it.
In short, if you guys were planning a life in California, I wouldn’t be worried about his family. But it sounds like he wants to be close to his family, and I personally would not sign on for that.
Post # 3
I wouldn’t respond to the letter! How do you know the drama from your in-laws would stop once you moved to the east where they want you to be? I get the feeling they would meddle even more…
Post # 4
I wouldn’t respond to the letter and I also wouldn’t break off the engagement. Family is always gunna be tough for in laws, and I wouldn’t stress too much. It will all work out.
Post # 5
Working through with a tough family is worth it if you want to be married to this guy! And also, you never know if things can change – they sometimes do. Don’t respond to the letter and talk it out with your fiance. You say your day to day life is great, why throw that out for a hypothetical worry?
Post # 6
I know he wants to move back East (is giving me ~2 years at my new job before moving).
He’s giving you 2 years? Why is it his decision? If you’re going to have a good marriage, you need to be able to talk decisions through together and make plans as a team that will benefit both of you.
I drafted a very diplomatic response to her that FH is begging me not to send, and he just shrugged at the letter and was not concerned/doesn’t want to rock the boat.
Did he say anything to let you know he disagrees with his grandmother? From your words above, it sounds like he is not supporting you when his family member says rude or insulting things to you – is that the case, or does he just think his grandmother is old and crotchety and does this sort of thing with other people?
Post # 7
What about what you want? Do you want to move back East?
I would ignore the letter from the Grandma, she sounds like a loony, and either way, it was inappropiate of her to send you that letter and to attempt to interfere into private matters between you and your Fiance. I would not reply to it, but I would ask to the Fiance to take care of it. Is his family not yours. If it was my Fiance I’d expect him to go and talk to the Granny (and the rest of the family if needed) and ask them to leave me alone and leave me out of their dramas. He’s made his decision to marry you but you need to make sure he will have your back when dramas like this ensue. I would not break the engagement off, rather talk it out with the Fiance and ask him to support you and set boundaries with his family.
Post # 8
lesmis: Ugh sorry to hear that- how rude of the grandma! I would not send a reply back to her, as she’s probaby just a trouble-maker trying to stir the pot. As for your man, I’m surprised he seemed to shurg such a rude letter off. I feel it should bother him, and he should stick up for you or at least say something about it so you aren’t left defending yourself.
I agree in-laws can be challenging, but they’re also part of the deal when you marry. They’ll be around for holidays and important moments, and you’ll be expected to interact with them. My brother actually just broke up with his Girlfriend of 3 years partly because he mother is crazy and always treated my brother horribly. His Girlfriend never took it seriously, and my brother got sick of it. Not saying you should end your engagement, but sit down and have a serious talk about the family issue..using the kindest words possible while still getting your point across.