(Closed) Should I break off my engagement?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I break off my engagement?

    Yes, run fast!

    No, there may still be hope!

    Other, Please Explain.

  • Post # 62
    Member
    9950 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    First off, I don’t care what the arm-chair medics here are saying in regard to this man’s diagnosis…

    It doesn’t matter if he is… Psychotic – Bipolar – suffers from Depression – or even an Alcoholic

    ONLY ONE THING IS TRUE… HE IS ABUSIVE !!

    As I read your post… I saw myself.

    This was me for a very long time in my first marriage.

    Word for word, step for step

    I remember standing in a doorway, confronting my Hubby on WHY exactly he was behaving the way he was, and then him shoving me

    After the stunned moment…

    I ran after and said “What the H3LL was that”

    Only to get shoved around some more… and then choked

    Afterwards, he did what your guy did… took off to cool off

    And came back home as if it never happened

    He “kind of” apologized… and we went on from there

    Until the next time his anger bubbled over…

    This went on in my life about ever 4 to 6 months, for 20 years

    And I never left, because I always did the same things…

    Blamed myself for inciting his anger, wished – hoped – prayed that he change… and kept the family together for the sake of the kids

    I’m here to tell you I made the WRONG Choice

    The abuse got worse, my life was miserable… and his abusive behaviour was classic in that it was cyclical… there was build-up – blow up – and Honeymoon phases

    (And YES his very statement “Don’t be silly, we are planning a Wedding” is beyond classical… some how nudging you emotionally into thinking that what you really FEEL is silly / crazy / unfounded.  He thinks he’s won you over to his side because you intentionally LIED to your family for him… telling them you fell down the stairs.  He knows you are embarrassed and is using this to his advantage)

    The abuse I lived thru, over time encompassed all the classical elements as well… Isolation, Put-Downs, Name Calling, Intimidation, Emotional Abuse, Financial Abuse and even Sexual Abuse.

    And the PHYSICAL ABUSE got worse and worse.

    Until one day, I figured out that if I didn’t leave I’d end up on the front page of our local newspaper either as the Victim (DEAD) or that I had killed him defending myself from him

    DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I MADE

    I know you are are smarter than I was, your guts are telling you something is radically WRONG which is WHY you have posted this topic

    Listen to your Gut, your Head, your Heart and the other Bees here

    I IMPLORE YOU… leave this relationship

    And get yourself to a hospital to make sure you are ok.

    If being the victim of the abuse is too great for you to admit to the whole world… and I understand that (you can choose to, or not choose to file charges… the choice is yours, and no one should JUDGE you on that).

    The IMPORTANT THING is that you leave him, and are safe.

    It would be a good idea however to do two things…

    1- Take photographs of your bruises if there are any, and

    2- Tell one trusted person (not a blabbermouth) your story / situation.

    These 2 items are so that if ever down the road you do find yourself in a position where you are making some sort of a legal statement (against him, or in support of another woman) you have some proof to back up your claim.

    Take care of you… (( HUGS ))

     

    Post # 63
    Member
    76 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    domestic abuse! there is no “explanation” or “reasoning” for his actions. you deserve someone better.

    Post # 64
    Member
    1344 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    View original reply
    @Cornflakegirl:  

    agree on the bipolar thing! I was going to add that to my comment lol, but don’t know a whole lot about it. I do know someone with bipolar, and am friends with his gf. He does NOT behave abusively, so I was a little confused seeing that ‘diagnosis’ tossed around. Regardless of what he may or may not have, he’s dangerous. OP, please update. I’m worried about your situation and desperately hope you’re safe and that you leave him.

    Post # 65
    Member
    1434 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

    (Before any bees tell me how wrong my post is, I’m asking that you please don’t. My experiences are my experiences, and I’m sharing with the OP my perspective, as you will share yours. But please don’t go on tirade about how wrong I am because I lived through something VERY different, and it was indeed a one-time incident only.)

     

    I have some experience with this. Something almost identical happened to me, cup and all, but my cup was plastic and I hit him the face. To this day, he swears he does not remember coming at me and trying to choke me. I think that he just flipped out, and it was because he was under way too much pressure from me, our relationship, his job, and bills. 

    None of that makes it right, but I wasn’t right either. My guy communicated in much the same way as yours–avoidance. Severe avoidance to the point that you feel like you’re screaming underwater, but he just won’t hear you, engage with you, or help you.

    The answer is not to block the door for him to leave or pursue him, knowing he was angry. Those actions escalated matters. in my situation, I’d pursue him from room to room and wouldn’t let him get away from me. I’d berate him, berate him, berate him, while he sat there trying to tune me out.

    It got so bad, I’d knock things out of his hands, like the remote or something, because he was pissing me off by playing games or watching TV instead of discussing the issues. It gradually got more physical, where I’d shove him or something, and that would get a reaction out of him. He’d get mad. So I went for the negative attention.

    It took a while, but eventually, he struck back, leading to my cup incident. over the years, I literally saw him go from a man who’d never hit a woman to a man who wanted to choke me, and I had a hand in making it happen. (of course he did too, by choosing negative communication.)

    I dont know if you have done any of the things that I did to percipitate this, but if you have, then I advise you to stop. Set up argument boundaries and let him go when it’s too heated. Do not bar his escape route because that makes him like a trapped emasculated man.

    My incident severely shook me up and I stopped arguing all together. I started letting him go, letting it go, and in doing that, I started to understand that you can’t change a person. If you are not compatible in important and meaningful ways, then you have to separate, because it will never work to beat a square peg into a round hole.

    So I’m asking you to let him go when he walks away. Let him do whatever he does to avoid the argument. Then you take the way it makes you feel and you make a decision whether you want to keep feeling like that all your life. If you don’t, then walk away. But at this point, there is no changing anyone. 

    If you want, you might try counseling.

    But I’m very interested to know if he has always been this way or if this is the first time for it. Because he could have just flipped out. Again, I’m not condoning it, but just trying to explain it and analyze it, figure out the origin of it. 

    So I think you should look at yourself. See what kind of an arguer you are, and determine if you could be removing so many of his options in the argument that it causes him to flip out. He needs to not flip out and learn how to control himself, but he also needs to not be backed into a corner. If you determine that you do not regularly back him into corners, and this is stemming from something which might be habit-forming, then I do advise you to walk away.

    Oh, and his attitude of acting like it never happened, mine did that, too, in every single argument and disagreement. He wouldn’t argue or anything. He’d shut down. He always said his parents never ever argued, and we shouldn’t either. I think his parents did him a deep disservice by not letting him see healthy arguments and debates and disagreements.

    Anyways, I really can’t tell you to stay or go. I can’t tell you if he’ll do it again or it’s a one time incident. But I can tell you to really use your head about this and determine if staying with him is safe or not. determine whether you played a role in what happened and to what degree. Again it shouldn’t ever have to get violent, but who knows what can happen if a person feels cornered or they have just been yelled at for too long without defending themselves. Again, don’t know the specifics, so I’m just theorizing. I really hope I’m right about him, and he just lashed out in a one time incident after “feeling pushed” too much.(again, not saying he has the right to lash out. Just trying to understand the motives behind his actions.)

    I notice his cavalier attitude made you push harder by telling him the wedding was off. This is so unhealthy. It’s what I did in my situation. He’d minimize things, and because I wanted him to take them seriously, I’d up the anty by saying things like the relationship was off. I hate this for you because I know what a helpless position you are in when someone is passive aggressive like that, but you are a direct person. You feel like you can never be in control, so you scramble to find ways to make what you say matter to this person, make your feelings matter, and make you needs heard. But it seems like you just can’t get through and the person treats you like you’re the problem. It’s hard, but in the end, it spells incompatiblity. 

    So I say let go of your need to get him to see things or get on the same page with you. Don’t argue, just observe as if you were watching a movie. Try to see what happening in your relationship from outside of it. Pretend you’re a stranger viewing it and then tell yourself what you, the stranger, thinks you should do. 

     

     

    Post # 66
    Member
    269 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    View original reply
    @This Time Round:  You always seem to have such intelligent and insightful advice and I agree with you fully. OP listen to the bees here – there should be zero tolerance for domestic violence and someone who engages in such extreme violence towards you does not love you and it will not get better….pls pls ring your family, ask them to come get you or help you, and get yourself somewhere safe.

    Post # 67
    Member
    1284 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Holy shit… please leave. <3 hugs!

    Post # 68
    Member
    1812 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    @courageous1:  Leave. Now.  Is your family still there?  Leave with them if so.  But please get out.

    Post # 69
    Member
    531 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    You don’t need a poll to tell you to run. I think you know what you need to do. Abuse is never ever ok. If it were me I would definately file charges. You need to break off all contact and get the hell out of there as fast as you can. If you feel afraid to leave then you need to try to get to a library, hospital, police station, fire station, whatever, and get information of how to safely leave. There are many organizations that only deal with “battered” women (sorry to use that term, it’s terrible) and how to make them as safe as possible.

    Post # 70
    Member
    339 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Run like the f**king wind, no one should ever have to try and modify their behavoiur to avoid being struck. Ever.

    Post # 71
    Member
    472 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    This is so tough, because that is OBVIOUSLY abuse. But has it happened before? Or was it just something that was totally out of the norm? Don’t get me wrong.. one abusive episode is one too many, but sometimes its not as easy as just leaving after being with someone for 8 years.

    If you feel like he crossed a line and you fear he will do it again, leave now!

    If it was out of character, you can discuss it and you can forgive him, then maybe its saveable?

    If its not a random occurance, I think its about time you leave. You deserve much better.

    Post # 72
    Member
    332 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    You need to get out of this relationship and fast… 🙁

    Post # 73
    Member
    11390 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    @FutureMrsW2013:  

    I must disagree that he lost control of himself.  Does he treat everyone who annoys him that way?  Has he beaten his boss senseless lately?

    the resl problem is that they know exactly what they are doing.  He has enough impulse control to get thru life without prison, he knew what he was doing and to whom.

    Abusers can be dx’d with a variety of mental illnesses, likely co morbid with a personality disorder.  I don’t recommend getting too lost in the weeds re his        

    possible dx.  He Has no motivation to change, ergo, the best doctor and therapist will be of no use to him.  Ignore when he make wild promises to go to therapy too win you back.   He’s not going.

    What I’m trying to say is, let’s not fall into the codependent trap of fixating on the poor batterer and why he would do these things, which leads to trying to save him.

    I think our victim should be the focus.  Hoe do we help her get safely out of the most dangerous phase of an abusive relationship?

    I can’t emphasize enough the importance of keeping him calm while you plan.  Remember, you are a hostage planning your escape.  That means no long talks about the resltionship, no confrontation and certainly NO telling him you are leaving.  He just may make sure you can’t.

    This is the hardest part.  Use you resources, the DV hotline a fellow Bee kindly posted, the police, your family, your local DV agency and, of course, we the Bees.

    Post # 74
    Member
    1963 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    View original reply
    @honeybee1999:  wow you are damn right some people are going to disagree with you post! No one deserves to be treated like this! Some times abuse does go both ways. It sounds like there was some if that in your relationship, but that does no excuse a violent physical reaction. Please do not assume that the violence is back and forth in other people’s relationship and as the OP to consider hire SHE is to blame for her FI’s extremely poor behaviour. It is attitudes like  this that make it so hard to leave abusive relationships. 

    OP, he could have killed you! What would have happened if you couldn’t reach a weapon to defend your self? What if he hadn’t stopped? You are not safe, and telling him you won’t be marrying him will make him realize his control is slipping! Get out, and don’t tell him where you’ve gone! It would be a really good idea to call the resource number listed above, get some help making a safety plan, and leave as soon as you can!

    Post # 75
    Member
    1030 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    @honeybee1999:  

    Thank you so much for posting this. My Fiance, the most loving, kind and thoughtful man I have ever known, doesn’t half have a temper on him – and it only happens when I drive him to it.

    We both argue differently. I like to get it all out – shout and scream if I have to – because for me once it’s out, it’s out and if I keep it all in it builds up and up and up until I can’t handle it any longer.

    He’s completely different. When his blood boils he needs to get away, to clear his head and to calm down. I know this. He tells me (and we even joke about it) that if he were to ever hit me it would be my own fault.

    And I 100% agree. He knows his temper well enough to know that he MUST leave the room. He does his absoulte best to control it, and he does it so well. He has NEVER hit me or even come close (the most he’s done is hit a wall and thrown a spoon to the floor, lol).

    One time, though – I didn’t allow it. I followed him and opened the door. I refused to leave and just kept shouting and shouting. He just kept telling me over and over again to leave but I wouldn’t and then suddenly I could see how much pain he was in. That I was just making things worse by having to argue my way.

    We’ve both been a lot better since then. We rarely argue and the last big fight we had was almost a year ago – but realising how I was contributing to that really helped me.

    Another note: earlier this year he got massive sun burn and it clearly became apparent how much I hit him! Not violently, but I do it a lot. Like if he takes the mick out of me, I hit him, and other things like that. I do it so much more than I thought I did.

    If this really was a one time thing and you think you can overcome it, then the two of you need to sit down and REALLY dicuss your relationship, your communication (or lack of) and work through this.

    THAT SAID, if signs of behaviour like this have been coming, or you’re really just not happy in your relationship anymore thent his is your excuse to end it.

    Girls on the internet who have only heard one side of the story aren’t the best people to advise you what to do with your life, but I hope you end up making the best decision for your health and happiness.

    lot of love xxx

    Post # 76
    Member
    100 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Yikes. When I got to the part about him pushing you out of the doorway, I thought that was all it was going to be — and I thought, “Geez, what a shitty thing to do, really immature guy, they are going to have to do a ton of work on their communication before they’re ready for marriage.” But then it kept going! And I was like

    I don’t mean to make light of your situation at all. This level of violence is so far beyond what anybody should be even considering to possibly be even remotely acceptable — and then he’s not even SORRY? Holy guacamole. He’s given you a gift here by showing this side of himself before you’re legally bound to him. Get on out of there.

    The topic ‘Should I break off my engagement?’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors