- 8 years ago
- Wedding: August 2011
Okay so this has been tearing me apart ..
I have loved my fiance for so long, like even in middle school I knew.. which I know sounds crazy for being so young, but I honestly waited through all his relationships for him to realize we belonged together. I just knew in my heart by our friendship and the way we acted and how much closer we got over the years that we were meant to be.. but it took SO long to finally start dating.. as of right now its been A year and almost 2 months since weve been officially dating.. and since weve known eachother so long it wasnt long before we said i love you and were already talking about getting engaged.. but heres where this tears me apart..
Since we were so open about talking about it he kept saying “on our 6 months baby im gunna buy you a ring with my army bonus (which is 7 grand)” and he kept saying it.. and i was SO excited, and then when he got it.. he didnt buy me a ring.. ): Instead he bought his dads motorcycle.. i was crushed.. i was like honestly breaking a promise that big was worth it for a bike you dont even have a license fo anyway? & for a while i was so hurt but I didnt leave him.. but in every fight i couldnt stop bringing it up.. and one day he sold the bike and said there are you happy? but i wasnt, i mean i was.. but i mean i didnt have the ring, and just knowing that was more important still hurt.. and i couldnt let it go.. and like months passed and he kept saying how he had no money after that to buy one, but he did want to get engaged.. but he would buy useless things like car accessories and computer accessories that couldve easily added up to enough to buy a ring.. or even make payments on one.. i told him i didnt want an expensive one being so young.. i didnt need some 5000 dollar ring to be impressed.. it was the symbolization of the ring that meant something yanno? & time kept going and i just was so hurt by all this that i sstarted to argue more over little things because i felt as if everything he did wrong was because he didnt really care about me.. i mean i dont know his true feelings, nobody can ever know exactly what someones thinking.. but just i felt like it so much after he lied about something like that. He proposed on September 9th, which was 7months after the “promised day” and i feel like he only did it to make me happy.. like i feel like he did it to make me stay because he knew i was questioning hislove and whether i should leave him.. and t6o be honest i was going to.. until he proposed and i felt like he really did love me.
we were GREAT for 2 weeks, and then life went back to normal.. he went back to his immature ways.. when we fight he ignores me, or gets an attitude and mocks me or like smiles and laughs like im stupid.. if hes not home when a fight starts (like something through a text) he wont come home.. and hell just stop responding completely.. and sometimes hell go days.. like this weekend.. i havent seen him since Thursday morning before i left for work.. nor have i talked to him besides like 3 texts of him saying he couldnt talk right now.. its like im your fiance, and you live with me.. how could you not come home? how could you not call to tell me what your doing or when youll be back? like its not like a one time thing, he does this weekly.. and i just dont understand.. I love him SO much but i feel like i should leave him because he seems to not care.. i mean on the days hes home and were not fighting were GREAT like ive never been happier than those days.. which is why ive held on for so long.. because i couldnt imagine life without him.. but i feel that if i dont leave hell never stop treating me like this… and people say if i leave hell realize he messed up.. but god knows how lng thatd take and im scared hed go back to his old ways, or be with other girls.. and i couldnt handle that, i just lost my mom, and im 7 months pregnant with his baby that we planned.. and it making it so much harder to let go to find out if hed run back. whenever we fight im always the one that says sry im the one who keeps bugging him until he talks again days later.. i honestly dont know how long itd be if i just literally didnt ever text him.. to see how many days he could go without me.. i just dont get it.. the one day he brought up what r song should be at the wedding.. and i almost sat there and cried because in my head im thinking that there really isnt going to be one because hes treating me so bad.. i cant marry a guy who treats me this way.. ive tried to tell him whats bothering me, and he tells me i repeat myself contsntly but its like if you fixed it i wouldnt need to? im so confused.. its like he loves me one week but not the next, like a pattern.. its just so confusing and idk what to do..
I thought I woudl be so happy being engaged to him because its all i ever wanted.. in highschool 2 of my top 5 goals were “Get married to him”, “have a little boy together”.. like it literally had his name on the assignment.. and we werent even dating!! I just knew in my heart thats who I always wanted.. and i still feel that way, that hes the one because of our good days.. but i feel like i shouldnt be crying this much.. that i shouldnt be questioning how much he cares.. like i always wanted to be where i am today, but i never thought id feel this way.. i guess my dreams came true, i got what i wanted.. i just never asked for the happiness involved in both.. i guess thats my fault for not making my dreams specific.. he doesnt take me seriouslyt when i tell him im not sure if i can be with him anymore.. because ive ran back so many times and he knows how much i love him that hes so over confident that ill always be there that it seems as if he takes advantage of me… that he knows he can do whatever he want whenever cuz ill always forgive him.. but im tired of forgiving him.. its one thing if you mess up on accident, but not when i tell him ill get mad and he does it anyway.. which is always the case now.. if he truly loved me youd think if he knew id get mad he wouldnt do it.. but idk.. maybe my expectations are too high? i just dont know what to do..
ive been crying the past 2 nights hess ignored me and hasnt come home.. just twisting the ring around my finger because i dont awnna take it off, but i feel like i have to.. i feel like im lying to myself, like were not really engaged.. because he doesnt treat me like we are.. the ring is just an object.. it doesnt change anything.. its his actions.. and hes stilll not growing up.. and its hard because i dont think hes ready to be a father either. i knowwwww he loves the idea of his son.. and always talks to my belly when hes actually around, but he doesnt buy anything for it.. hes selfish.. he continues to buy car/computer things and blame it on having no money cuz his bills.. but he just doesnt wanna use his money on anything but what HE wants and what HE can enjoy.. and it makes me feeel like neither of us mean anything to him.. and i feel like i need to let go even though itd break my heart completely.. )’: