(Closed) Should I break off the engagement?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I’m sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but your boyfriend’s behaviour is pretty normal and predictable for a 19 yr old who has found himself facing marriage and kids. Even if some days he gets caught up in the romance and excitement, I’ll bet that other days he freaks out.  His anger is an expression of that confusion. If he was older, (and maybe belonged to a helpful community like weddingbee who can give good advice!), he might have realised that it was better to tell you honestly about his feelings, and to talk things through.  But I imagine that he has no real way to process his emotions and is flip-flopping through a mixture of excitement, guilt, love, terror, responsibility and fear, and it is all just bursting out of him whenever he is challenged. 

I’m inclined to agree with most of the bees here, and say you need to find yourself, get clear on your own direction for life, and focus on developing a secure and emotionally stable home for your child, which will probably be separate from him.  You are lucky that you still live with your dad and sister, who will give you the support that you will certainly need. 

But when you talk to your boyfriend, try to remember and understand what he is going through.  You never know, perhaps if he feels understood and supported by you, he may remember what it is that he loved about the relationship in the first place. 

 

Post # 33
Member
6244 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

View original reply
@EvaBostonTerrier: I couldn’t have said it any better.

You need to focus on YOU and now YOUR BABY. All this worrying can’t be healthy for either of you! Are you able to move back home with your Dad or grandparents or move in with a friend for awhile? Maybe staying at the home you share with your man is preventing you from being able to sit back and really think about all the positive and negative issues going on in your relationship.

Post # 34
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m sorry that this is happening to you. I will try to share some advice with you based on my experience. I was engaged previously for 3 years, I got pregnant and my engagement ended after 3 weeks. My FH at the time, seemed to think that since I was pregnant I would let him treat me how he wanted or say what ever he wanted to say to me. And just like you, I wanted to have a child with this man! I left the house one day and went to my mothers house and I just went into one of her spare bedrooms by myself and I cried, and cried, and cried. And when I thought I was done crying, I cried some more. I rubbed my stomach and said “we’ll be just fine without him.” See, being a great mother has to start before the child is even born. I felt like I couldn’t let my little boy see me losing my cookies over his dad. So I called that piece of sh*t baby daddy and told him to get out. He didn’t want to leave, but when I told him that as long as he is there, I’m not coming home… Eventually he left. With the help of my friends and family and A LOT of prayer. I raised my son pretty much by myself.

He didn’t realize at the time what I wanted and what I needed as a mother, and as a woman. He found out that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. He had to learn how to treat me & I had to learn that I don’t need to settle for less than I deserve just to say that I have a man in my life.

After all of that, would you believe we are back together now! 6 years later, but he has a different level of respect for his son and I, & we’re planning our wedding this time! It’s truly amazing how realizing your own strength can make things turn out for the best!

Post # 35
Member
1086 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I would not stand for anyone who didnt come home just because he was mad. That is manipulative and wrong. I would seriosuly consider whether or not marriage is the right step for you at this point..

Post # 36
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry that he is treating you like this.  You definitely don’t deserve it.  I think you should seriously consider ending the relationship.  If he is leaving home for days at a time because he can’t deal with a fight while you are pregnant, he is going to do the same thing when your baby is born and if you get married.  Honestly, I think the baby will probably make him run out even more.  He sounds too immature and young to be dealing with a marriage let alone a child.  In the meantime, take care of yourself and your baby.  That is what is most important right now.  Stressing yourself over the fact that he is not coming home is not good for you.  If I were you, I would change the locks the next time he pulls something like that. 

From your posts, it sounds like you had dreamed up this person that you thought he would be and you are now unfortunately seeing him for who he really is.  He may have even helped you by pretending at times that he was the person that you thought he was, but at that age, you get caught up in the romance and don’t realize the true impact of the decisions that are made.  You said you waited for him through multiple girlfriends, but did you see how he treated them?  Did he treat them the way he is treating you now?  From my experience, at 19 and 20, no boy I dated had marriage or babies on the mind and they acted almost the same exact way as your Fiance is now.  They want to go out and have fun, not be tied down. 

Also, I may be in the minority here, but I’m thinking if you check his phone, know all his passwords, drive by places you think he might be, etc. that you may have trust issues with him.  Has he He may feel a little overwhelmed by that behavior.  While I am not condoning his behavior whatsoever, I know that if someone ever did that to me, I would honestly feel smothered.  I think you may have some trust issues that you need to take a step back and look at. 

Good luck.  I hope that it all works out for you and you do what is best for yourself and your baby.  Virtual hugs. 

 

Post # 37
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Wow. Everything that you have posted is screaming at me that you need to get out of this relationship now. I don’t know your fiance so I’m not going to judge him as a person since we are only hearing one side of the story, however it definitely sounds like this relationship is not a healthy one. As wrong as it is for him to yell at you and be verbally abusive, its equally unhealthy for you to be, for lack of a better word, stalking  him (checking online accounts, driving by grandparents house, checking phone, etc.).  I agree with PPS that it sounds like perhaps you developed an obsession with this person when you were quite young and as you grew older, instead of growing out of it, you became fixated on it until it became a reality. Do you have family nearby that will be able to help you with your baby? I really think you may want to consider some counseling ON YOUR OWN so that you can figure out some things about you. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it really sounds like you’ve created this fantasy in your head and now that it is sort of becoming a reality you don’t know how to cope with the fantasy and reality not lining up.

Also, it doesn’t matter whether or not he walks out or stays out, he is making a choice to not be home with you, his fiance that is carrying his unborn child. I find it extremely hard to believe that he is just hanging out at his grandparents house innocently. It just doesn’t make sense. I almost feel like if he knows you have a tendency to check on him, he knows to have his friends come pick him up. I’m not saying that to scare you but you can’t control every little thing. 

I really and truly wish you the best of luck and hope that you will keep us updated, as I think you’ve got all of us concerned for your well-being.

 

 

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