Should I break up with him…? Need opinions

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
18 posts

I think the fact that you are wondering if you should break up with him or not is a red flag for you. When you marry someone all of their quirks become magnified – so unless there’s a change on his end, you’ll just notice it more. Maybe suggest a break to him and get some space so you can both weigh the pros and cons. Patience on patience on patiences is needed for someone struggling with a mental illness. 

Post # 3
3328 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

If you have to ask… 

Post # 4
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It sounds like maybe you guys just aren’t a good fit from a compatability standpoint. Maybe you need to be with someone more extroverted, and he’d be better off with a fellow super shy introvert. No one is a villain here…your man sought help from therapy but didn’t find it useful, and you are at your wit’s end trying to manage his crippling anxiety. The last thing you should do is continue seeing him with the hopes that you’ll be able to “change” him. He has to do that for himself, and there’s a chance he never will.

Maybe he’d be better off with someone who isn’t embarrassed by his social anxiety. I’m not saying this in a judgy way to you at all…I don’t think I could be with someone who clammed up constantly around my family and others either. I’d feel like I constantly had to babysit him and that would grow real old real fast for me. But I’m sure there are women out there who could relate to him and might not be bothered by it.

Post # 5
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Whether you break up with him or not, please stop harassing your boyfriend about getting on medication. If you can’t live with how he has decided to deal with his illness, then you can break up with him. But it sounds like you’ve been attacking him for 2 years about his mental illness and how YOU think he should treat it, and that’s not right. 

Post # 6
93 posts
Worker bee

Going through the same thingfrown

Post # 7
219 posts
Helper bee

being introverted is not a mental illness.  and pushing him to be more social is not fair.  a person can value their solitude and live a wonderfully fulfilled life without having to force conversations with people whom they maintain no genuine connections with.  he may benefit from developing more confidence to help him cope in these interactions, but he will probably never get to a point of truly enjoying it.  and that’s fine, different things for different people.  but if you can’t respect and live with this side of him then it’s a mistake to let the relationship continue.

Post # 8
4864 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah, he deserves to be with someone who will be understanding to his anxiety problems, not fight with him over it. 

Post # 9
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am also introverted, but I don’t think I could be in a happy relationship with someone who lives in a constant state of anxiety over perceived judgment. It just doesn’t sound like you two are very compatible… you can love someone and not be able to have a functional happy relationship with them.

Post # 10
6276 posts
Bee Keeper

Yes. Yes you should break up with him. 

Post # 11
157 posts
Blushing bee

Has he been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder? Just because someone is anxious or introverted doesn’t mean he is mentally ill unless judged otherwise by a medical provider. You mentioned that he saw a therapist, but was it for a particular psychiatric diagnosis? It’s possible to see therapists (ETA: therapists, not necessarily psychiatrists) for things other than mental illness. And please don’t push him about medication, that is a very personal choice and it’s not clear that he’s actually been diagnosed with anything that would require something as strong as psychopharmaceutical management. 

I don’t think you guys are compatible, plain and simple. Both you and he deserve to be with someone around whom you both are more comfortable.  

Post # 12
1259 posts
Bumble bee

papayagirl :  

You’re entire post makes me super duper angry but I am going to put my personal experiences with anxiety aside and try to write a humane post back to you.

First off, yes you do need to break up with him. Anxiety is not something you just “get over” or something you medicate for in ALL cases. You are completely right you are not someone who can handle being in a relationship with someone who’s anything less than “normal”.

Seems you are more embaressed about his mental illness and social awkwardness than he is. Then by knowing you are embaressed he feels worse about it. Not all types of anxiety require medication. Sometimes learning how to manage it helps trumendously. As well as having supportive people in you’re life.

You need to be with someone who’s outgoing and in you’re mind set. He’s not that person.

Post # 13
234 posts
Helper bee

I’ve been on the other side of the spectrum, super introverted with a social butterfly for an ex-boyfriend. We’d get into huge fights about this stuff too and he always made me feel judged, inadequate, and like there was something horribly wrong with me–it was not fun. Now that I’m with my husband who is incredibly supportive and understanding of my introvert tendencies (bc he’s an introvert as well), I have been infinitely happierl! Your bf deserves someone like that too, as you deserve someone someone who’s characteristics don’t cause fights

Post # 14
1572 posts
Bumble bee

If he has a diagnosed anxiety disorder and wants help, then I think you should stick around and help him through it. If the feelings are real and you really love him, as you say. Has he been to a GP not just a therapist? Someone qualified who can explain medication options and side effects. I have in the past been prescribed anti anxiety drugs to help me through a situation and I can say they have worked wonders. I had no major side effects. I know it was really really hard on my partner and I’m so glad he was there supporting me, don’t know what I would have done if he’d left me. Just another perspective. 

Post # 15
436 posts
Helper bee

You actually fight with him over something he didn’t choose to have? That’s like fighting with someone over having cancer. That’s low. 

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